Do not be misled by the title……I am not going to preach….I just forced myself to go today….with God’s help I made it through. My surgery will be next week…then it will be months before I am healed enough to attend Mass again.
Those that are healthy won’t understand….not completely. Missing Mass…..missing that opportunity to join with God…with Christ…with our Church family is so difficult! Yet attending today was rejuvenating….calming……soothing…..it provided the security I needed. The knowledge, or rather reinforcement, that I am not alone…..that we are a body…..unique in our abilities and gifts that we provide.
Kneeling next to our son…..I could feel the calm….the hand reaching down……I am being watched over…protected….just as I try to reach out and protect my son. His ultimate hand is outstretched…..His eyes are watching…….He will be with me next week as I undergo another surgery…hopefully the last for a long time!
Finally…after 7 days….the worst high points are calmed down. Now just the low and steady…constant pain. Tolerable now though….YEAH!!! I am now ready for battle! This daily struggle can continue…..all is fine…it will be okay. Just don’t touch my tummy or my back! LOL
I know my struggle will be over soon. God will give me the strength to prevail. I will persevere to give strength to another. Who in turn will provide strength to another. Thus we will empower each other. Reaffirm that we are connected…that no one is alone.
Every life…each person….touches another…..our lives overlap…intertwine. We have no idea how our lives interact…..yet…looking back…look at the web…..look at how each decision…each passing…each hug…each relationship…..weaves….twists…turns…into the web of life ….that life that we call “Ours”.
The most frustrating part of having the health issues I have been dealing with is missing Mass. It is very hard to miss weekly Mass……I want our boy attending. I make sure that he goes to Walking By Faith….that he attends events…..that he assists at serving opportunities (the children assisting with meals after Mass).
I just cannot handle sitting in the pew….the jostling….the kneeling……I hurt so bad that I cannot focus…..I do not want to be a distraction.
I am fulfilling my work obligations for my family….I am attending our son’s baseball games….I am taking our son to Walking By Faith…..I am hanging out at Church on those nights…visiting with other parents….doing what I can to support. By the weekend…..I have nothing left. The pain….my body…just overcomes….I must just lie down.
On the weekends, I try to have some portion of participation with our family…..yet…it is not much…..an hour watching our son ride his bike requires a couple of hours lying down….then to head outside to try pitch…..then inside to prepare dinner….then down time….
Tomorrow is First Communion for several of our son’s friends…..I will attend. However, I know that I will be maxed out….not worth anything afterwards. I can only hope that all my effort in other areas will help calm my mind.
Mass is an integral part of our lives! It is hard to miss….it is hard to not participate…..yet, our Loving Father understands. He knows what we are going through….he understands what we are enduring every day. And, He gives us the reassurance that we will be attending Mass again…in the near future….
He hears our prayers…Mother Mary hears and is praying for us! We are not alone!
In dealing with a chronic or unexpected illness, decisions must be made. We make decisions on our treatment (when we can….emergencies of course do not allow much input), we make plans for our children — our families, we handle our work tasks as best we can.
My 2nd injection of Lupron was Thursday. Doctors are talking….they will discuss my case in two weeks to review everything….to see if anything could have been missed. We are proceeding with surgery. Not taken lightly! A lot of discussion has taken place…..and the fact that I am just tired…..I can tell my body has had it…..
My body will hopefully settle down a bit with this last injection. The side effect I most appreciate is sleep. I actually sleep for a few hours….hard…with the drug….I know it won’t last long. My body enjoys defying the docs!
I will continue to decide to participate every day…..no matter the cost. I am enjoying all the baseball games….cub scout activities….Church functions possible…..late night movies (heck — if you know you are not going to sleep! Might as well lie down and enjoy watching a movie with my hubby!)….watching my son ride his bike……pitch a ball or two for our boy to hit (I’m a lousy pitcher! LOL).
I want to savor and enjoy as much as I can before I am again in the hospital…..knowing it will be several months before I am recovered enough to start participating in any of this again. My son will be “taking care of Mom”….our family and friends will be a huge support!
My second injection has been moved up a week. My body is all ready “waking up” and pain levels are again out of control. Anything touching my right side is just nasty! Can’t explain it.
Just glad that my body will be in full blown form for doc on Thurs. Also hoping my body will respond to the Lupron and not be stubborn!
No…I do not mean why is this happening to me. I mean Why Me, Lord? What makes me special to deserve your attention?
Really! Why do I deserve this honor? To have the opportunity to so heavily rely upon my daily conversations…..to be constantly reaching out….to constantly need your arms around me to make it through the day.
I am not being facetious…..I mean truly….after all this time I find myself thinking of Job. Do not think I can relate in any way. I am not saying that I consider myself chosen as Job was…..I would never assert that I have such a relationship with God as that of Job. Yet I am drawn to his story….as I am sure many that have found themselves…..
Job believed in God. God blessed him by using him as an example. I would never consider myself an example….not like that. Yet, I cannot help but feel that God is somehow allowing me to be test…to be used.
I only hope and pray that I can be used in someway to help…to build up someone else. It is so hard to keep going….to keep digging…..to keep hoping that all this will really mean something! I mean…really…if you are going through the onslaughts of these medical issues….there must be a reason. Our human side says that there must be something…..or someone some where that can gain from what we are experiencing….what we are enduring.
An outsider could easily misinterpret this ranting tonight as someone with some type of complex. The simple truth? I am just trying to understand why someone….especially…God…that one unseen….all powerful source….could consider that I could handle such a trial in life!?!?!?! What hidden strength does He see? What hidden person does He see that I do not?
Could this tribulation….this continued health struggle be His way of showing me that I have more to offer than I give myself credit for? Could it be a door that is opening? An opportunity to grow and to share…to make others stronger? So that they will not have to fight so hard? Or to simply know….that they are not alone?