Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Archive for June, 2015

Moving Forward!

Seizing an opportunity IS difficult!  I am struggling SO much with my Fibromyalgia and Polyarthralgia!  I am SO sensitive to the barometric pressure and humidity on the Coast!

We must make a change…a drastic change for me.  We will be moving from the Coast…inland to a more desert type environment. It is the best hope to offer some relief!

I keep hearing “See You Again” by Carrie Underwood!

I know that I will see my Baby Sis again!  She has gone before me….before our parents and brothers! Suddenly and unexpectedly!

Yet the visual pics of her life that our brother put together….entwined with music which included…”See You AgaIn”!

Well?!?!  I just sit back now….smile….and watch this full kaleidoscope of memories envelope me!  I feel myself taken to the distant past….to the past….and most recent past!

I see the beautiful curly blond haired blue eyed child looking up to me….to the wonderful playful blond blued girl that refused to wear a dress!!!!  Then I see the most beautiful blond haired blue eyed woman in front of me!

The wonderful woman who has accomplished so much!  Who was able to reach out and touch SO many!

Yes! My Sis will accompany us on our next journey! Her spirit is forever with us!  I carry her in my heart…just as my husband and son!

I embrace this next journey to seek health and healing for my body!  We all wish that!

I also know that a part of my Sis will journey with us!

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Fibromyalgia, Grief and Pain

As I am learning through the sudden and tragic death of my Sister, the symptoms of Fibromyalgia and Polyarthralgia are greatly MAGNIFIED by grief!

The difficulty with short term memory that is often experienced by Fibromyalgia sufferers IS magnified!  That “Fibro Fog” is like having HUGE memory lapses!  I have felt that I am losing my mind!  I cannot track my thoughts….cannot keep straight any thought!  I will stand up and not remember what I was going to do!  I am stopped mid sentence!  I just completely lose my track of thought!

No…this is NOT a sign that I am LOSING my mind (although it FEELS like it!)!  This is just part of what those of us with Fibro deal with!  I know that everyone dealing with grief will find that he/she will be dealing with memory issues!  

Grief is TOUGH!  Dealing with the sudden, tragic death of a loved one IS the HARDEST thing we will ever have to deal with!  Yet….the horrific tragedy is SO magnified….SO enlarged for those that also deal with Fibromyalgia and Polyarthralgia!

I recently met a new friend who has Fibro!  She also suffered a sudden, tragic loss of a loved one!  WOW!  It was like looking in a mirror!  We were finishing each other’s sentences…..we were jointly expressing (that means….I would start and she would finish the sentence!) our feelings!

An IMMEDIATE partnership was made!  We KNEW INSTANTLY that we were JOINED in OUR experiences!  Even though our losses were different…..she had lost her Partner……I had lost my Sis….we were ONE in the experience!

Her doctor had also told her to move to “the desert”…. not an option in her situation….yet….another affirmation for us!

We have this unique opportunity to move foreward…..to move….to change our lives!  And….YES we are going to take it!

I am SO looking forward to a chance to feel better….a chance to have some sort of relief!!!

Peace

 
The wonderful sight that close friends of my Sis and I enjoyed Saturday night!  

We had the most awesome time celebrating and honoring my Baby Sis, Carrie!  

The laughter….the tears…the memories shared!  It was so incredible to see her through their eyes!

My heart is more at peace….although there is a huge hole!  This weekend allowed me the chance to see my Sis…..to feel her….to experience her presence….through those wonderful, precious women that were with me!

It is hard to express!  All I can say…is…WOW!

And…thank you!  Lord, thank you, for sharing my Sis!

I love you, Carrie!  I am so proud of you and all you achieved!  Most of all though, I am blown away with the way you were able to so positively impact everyone you came in contact with!

I will love you always and forever! 

Still Reeling!

As everyone who has lost someone close unexpectedly, you know that the process of grief is just that…..a process!

It is a new reality….it alters our perception….it makes our life a roller coaster!  Yes….with time the roller coaster….the emotional swings will not be as great…..

At least that is what others say! And what I have read!  LOL

I know life will forever be different. I do find myself appreciating family and friends even more!  I find it hard not to tell a friend to hug her sister every chance she gets! (Whether or not she would want to hear it!😀)

Thankfully our friends appreciate what I cannot help but blurt out!  

I also find myself looking for ways to honor my Sis….I think about what I can do to impact someone’s life….how I can best contribute to those around me. 

The most difficult part? Being “Mom”….seeing our son on his rough days!  Knowing that all I can do is hold him and let him cry….to cry with him….to let him verbalized how much he misses his Aunt….to let him ask questions…..to answer what I can and let him know I am hurting and miss her too….

Last night he made a comment that still rings true….”Mom…you got to be around Aunt Carrie her whole life! You were there for everything!  That is so much better than if she were older than you!  Then you wouldn’t have had as much time! You know Mom? Don’t you agree, Mom?”

Yes! Well said my dear son!

Honoring a Loved One

I know I have written about ways to honor a loved one….in my case? I wanted to push for an Endowment in the name of my Sister to the Law School she graduated from.

I felt that the best way to honor her memory and life would be to have a scholarship in her name every year….not just a one time scholarship. 

So I am learning the difference and what it takes to set up an Endowment!  

A scholarship is the easiest of course….whatever funds are given are presented one time. This is a great idea and a very good option!  I just knew that because of all of my sister’s accomplishments it wasn’t the right fit for her!

An Endowment takes more work. There has to be a minimum fund of $25,000 that must be collected within 5 years….it also requires Board approval at the University or College of choice. 

Yes…this means that the annual scholarships might not be as large as a one time scholarship. Therein lies the rub!

It is a decision to not take lightly. Discuss with other family and/or close friends to determine what direction is best. 

Most importantly know that either choice is a fabulous way to celebrate your loved one!

Memories!

    

My Sis!  Wow do I miss you!

My son picked the perfect stuffed animal to be placed with you!  The most adorable teddy bear with a necklace with little dogs on it! Like my son said, “that is Lucky”!  My Sister’s dog was on the necklace!  There was no better way to say….Goodbye!

She was such a wonderful, awesome Sister, Daughter, Aunt, Girlfriend, Friend!  

It is hard that is for sure!  I wish I could bring her back!  I wish that she could be with us!  i know that we have no choice!  

Our hopes and dreams are not what God dictates!  His decision is the ultimate….the one that decides all.  I must say that I only see my own piece!  I see only a sliver!  i have no idea about the “entire” picture…..the full complete picture!

I can only close my eyes….relax….and let God take over!  

The pain…the loss of my Sis is SO intense!  Yet….somehow I know that all of this horrible MESS will work out for the best of all of us!  As hard as that is to believe!

All I can say is that I feel my Sis….I can feel her hand….guiding.  There are certain things that I must help with…..friends that I must assist….to find closure!  To see that it is “okay” to let go!

“In letting “go” we do not lose the wonderful, graceful, and loving person…..we so care for!  It is that moment that we are able to inhale!   To know that our Beloved will always be with us!  Will alwayw be present!  Is ever watching over us!

Thank you, Sis!  You have expanded our family!  You have opened me to accept and love many more than I thought possible!  

It is because of you that I am able to open myself!  To feel….to allow myself to be touched!  

Thank you!  My Dearest, CareBear!  I love you!

Memorial

   
What a beautiful memorial to my sis!  A wonderful sunny day….there was a slight breeze.  

Only a couple of rigs drove by while we were standing and taking this in.  

I wasn’t sure I was ready….so glad that we took the detour!  I am ready to go back….armed with flowers!

Love you, Sis! 

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