Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Archive for July, 2015


There are days that I don’t know what is worse!  The Fibro Pain or the Fibro “Fog”….or Fibro “Fog” magnified by grief!  LOL

Those of us that are trapped in the “prison” of our bodies understand!  The use of the wheelchair….the horrific distance to just walk down the hall to the bathroom……you know what I mean!!!!  I am SO blessed to have a wheelchair to use when we are out and about…..I use it now in the motel to go to and from the pool and the breakfast area.

I know in the beginning it was hard….it was hard to admit that I needed this type of help…..and….yes, I was worried about what people would think!  My Sis helped me to get past that!  SHE helped me to realize it was OK to do what was best for me!  This was a thought that was SO foreign to me…..

She empowered me to ACCEPT myself where I was at.  And…now…my Strength is in Heaven!  I have NO DIRECT PHYSICAL CONTACT with her now!

Thankfully, I have been blessed to ACCEPT my condition!  I am THANKFUL for my wheelchair…..and I take advantage of it every chance I get!  I use it to pace myself….to keep from overdoing!

My mind?  At times I feel that I have REALLY lost it!!!!  I will start talking…then stop because I do not remember what I was saying!  I will start a task….then stop…because I do not remember what I was doing!!!!  Does this sound familiar????

Now it is magnified!  The grief process just magnifies the “FOG” more than I can express!!!!  I stop mid-sentence because I have no idea what I was saying…….I stop after standing because I have NO idea what I was going to do! I am lucky to make it to the bathroom!  (I know…TOO graphic for some!!!!)

We are NOT crazy!  Those of us with Fibromyalgia struggle with memory issues…..those issues are GREATLY magnified by grief….by the loss of our loved ones.

We are left to feel like we are crazy!!!!  Yet…we ARE NOT!

We ARE dealing with the internal struggles of our own conditions….magnified by the loss of our loved one.  

Only others with our condition can fully understand……just know…..you are NOT alone!


I must say….today has been one of those very ROUGH days!  Physically my body hurts all over…..but moreso…..the HUGE hole left by the loss of my Sis is aching terribly!

Not a day goes by that I do not think of her…..see her face when I close my eyes.  My heart is hurting badly today!  It is one of those days that I need to hear her voice…..to have her respond to a text……to have her sitting by my side…..

A dream!  I know…..she is no longer physcially here……but now I am in that stage of MASSIVE denial!  I keep waiting for the next email….the next text…the next phone call to be from her.

What challenges those of us left behind must face!  What struggles as we are forced to wrestle with a NEW reality without our precious loved one!

There is no magic cure….there is no “pill”….there is no hiding from road that we must tread…..the ups and the downs….the draining…physical exhaustion…..the lapses of memory!

Please do not take this as a question of faith….for that it is NOT!  I have a deep faith….a deep trust in God.  It is because of that that I am able to deal with daily life…..I know that my Sis is in a good place!  Yes!  It is hard for me to say a better place….because what could be better than living life with her wonderful boyfriend and enjoying time with her family, friends, and coworkers!

I am just struggling as are all of those that loved my dear Sis!


It is SO difficult in the aftermath of the death of a close loved one! As in my case….the sudden, unexpected death of my Baby Sis!

It has been about 1 1/2 months…..however, it is not getting any easier!  At times I awake….feeling that this has all been a dream….a nasty…..nasty….nightmare!!  I want to awake and see my Sis in front of me!  I want to give her a HUGE hug….to HEAR her laugh…..to SEE her smile!

That is it!  The physical presence!  That is COMPLETELY absent when a loved one dies!  We are left with our memories…pictures…..images….sounds……shared times……connections that will NEVER be broken!

Those of us with physical ailments….those of us struggling with health issues/conditions…….the period of mourning is all the more intense!  Our IBS flares out of control!  Our Fibromyalgia and/or Polyarthralgia magnify even MORE the nasty effects that wreak havoc on our bodies!

The point to all this?  I do not know!  My hope is that we will somehow be able to draw strength and honor our loved one!  There has to be some good that can come of all this!

I just hope that anyone going through this knows….you are not alone!  It is a difficult road!  We must join together…unite in our sorrow….to build our strength…to honor those we have lost!

2 1/2 MONTHS

It has been about 2 1/2 months since I lost my Sis!  Losing her definitely caused me to reconsider my priorities!  Namely my health issues!  Through my experience of intense grief and loss, I realized that life is TOO short….it is TOO precious!  Things I thought I knew!!!!

I am thankful that I have a supportive husband and a son that was willing to join me on our next adventure!  With the push of my doctor, heading to a dryer climate was definitely the right start!

There have been many days now that we have been in the Southeastern area of Idaho that I have wanted my Sis by my side!  I have taken pictures…..I have spoken out loud to her….I have spoken to her within the depths of my heart….my mind…and my soul!  I have shed tears!  Weeping at the opportunity to have this new start….yet anxious to move forward….knowing that this is what she would want!

I know my Sis is seeing the wonderful views…the awe inspiring sights with me!  Yet…..it is not the same…..it will NEVER be the same!  I am still attempting to grasp the reality that I will never again hear her laugh…..never again see her smile….never again give her a hug….never again exchange I Love You’s!

The only way I know to continue to celebrate my wonderful, beautiful Sis, is to keep moving forward!  To move forward in this new direction!  Knowing that she is with me EVERY step of the way!


Some of the beauty that surrounds us!  This is a MAJOR life change!  The first time ever that I have pushed to do something that would be in my best interest!  Yes….I was still concerned for our Son…..however, I had to focus on my health…..on the chance of improving my quality of life.

I have experienced some improvements…..the headaches….the joint pain…the foot pain….are gone!  I am still experiencing my Fibro symptoms (the achy muscles, oversensitivity, “Fibro fog”).  I am using my wheelchair as often as possible…yet, taking time to do some slow walking….soaking in the hot tub and gently stretching muscles.

My meds are making sure that I sleep….well…for the most part!  There have been days that my brain has been TOO active and it has actually overridden the meds that usually make me sleep!  LOL

My family and I truly went out on a limb!  A “limb” that is proving to be the right  choice!  I have a LONG road to go yet…I know!  I will be following up with an attorney Monday regarding SSI.  I know it will be several years before I can consider working again.

My hubby is prepared to take over the work position and let me be at home for now.  So thankful for the support of my husband and son….and the strong support of my family and friends!


My family and I have started a new chapter!  We are onto a new adventure!

My Fibromyalgia and Polyarthragia had become SO debilitating!  It was becoming more and more difficult to get out of bed.  Finally had to make the decision to quit my job…..place the house on the market…and leave the Oregon Coast as my doctor had been after me to do for the past 6 months.

The death of my Sister has, of course, complicated my conditions further.  However, the enormous amount of stress, even with reduced work hours and working at a slow methodic pace with breaks was not helping at all.

We have been in the Southeastern portion of Idaho to test this drier climate and higher elevation.  WOW!!!  After just two days, my joints are no longer hurting so badly!  No pain in the joints!

Yes….I still have extreme muscle aches everywhere….overly sensitive areas remain…..still tire so quickly…….yet…there is great hope that I am on the right track!  

One step in the right direction!  YEAH!!!  My family and I are SO happy!  And today, my feet did not hurt at all!  So….another small step in the right direction!

There is a long road ahead……I have almost no muscle tone left…….these conditions have truly wreaked havoc…..and I do not know how much more I will regain.

Each new day brings more hope and excitement!  Small steps on a NEW path!!!

Next Chapter

It is so hard to describe the feelings….that I am experiencing as I move forward with my Husband and son to the next chapter of our lives!

We each have a huge hole that will always be present due to the death of my Sister. So hard….such a huge part of me!!!!

I gave notice at work….my health had been spiraling downhill….only to be magnified when my Sis, Carrie, died!

Our house is almost completely packed in UHaul trailers. We will leave the Oregon Coast Wednesday morning. 

We enjoyed a wonderful lunch today with my parents, my brother and his beautiful wife, and my Sister’s partner!  So good to seem them!  To exchange hugs…laughs….to talk…to share!!!

We each are hurting….aching….we feel that part that is missing…..we each miss our “Carrie” SO much!

Yet…WE…together….are strong!  Carrie brought us together…..together we build each other up!  We have been united to give each of us more strength.

I am having a hard time describing all of these emotions that are coursing through me!  I cannot express myself!  I can feel Carrie’s love and concern for Keith, Rachel, Jayson, Crystal, Mom & Dad….her love and protection for Steven and Sophie…….

I feel her LOVE….her pain….for her BELOVED!  The overall emotions are coursing through my veins! 

I KNOW my SIS loved her boyfriend more than words can express!

I also know that they were never allowed the opportunity to TRULY express their love!

I am still at a complete loss!!!!

I am moving forward…because of my Sis!  Yet!  I am overtaken…..I am not worthy to continue….to carry the “banner” for her!!  Yet…somehow?! She considered me a confidante!

My ONLY hope is to be a strength to others…..to share the power that my Sis had with others!

Tag Cloud