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Archive for August, 2015

Major Challenge

I am finding the transition from the main “bread winner” to no income a challenge!  My husband had been self employed….as a guide and fish taxidermist…..so my income was the mainstay….his was the supplemental…..

As with any owner-operated business….especially one as a guide……it had its ups and downs……so our budget was always dependent upon what I brought home…..since I had a traditional job….with steady income.

My health struggles led ultimately to my having to resign my position…..my husband was not able to find work locally…..where we lived was a huge negative to my health.  Anyone reading my blogs will know that I then experienced the sudden, unexpected, tragic death of my Baby Sis.

Thus the mind change….the delimma I now find myself!

We have moved as a family to another State….my husband has started work……our son is in school….we are in a new home…..I am at home workingwith an advocate to obtain SSDI.

It is SO strange!  It is hard to step back….to “release the reigns” per se!  My body is holding me prisoner now……I have to rest….to step back….to allow myself the time to recuperate….to have the opportunity to improve.

It is time to support my Hubby….as he wades through unfamiliar territory…..testing out a job that takes him outside of his comfort zone….something that allows him to stretch and grow.

I am thankful that he has this opportunity!  This new area allows him to be the “head of the house”…..it allows for a role reversal…….this is good!

Yet…..I am struggling with the ability to let myself rest….to do what is needed….to allow my body to rest….to recover….to…hopefully, regain strength!  

I am so thankful for my Hubby, Son, family and friends as we move forward……..into this new reality!

Beware Tomorrow!

Caught your attention?  Living with Fibromyalgia and Polyarthralgia……these two words take on a whole new meaning!

As those with Fibro know, if we overdo, it will catch up with us in a day or two…..sometimes the culmination of incidents will pile up and it will defer the “catch up” by several days.  As with the case of dealing with the death of a loved one (like dealing with my Baby Sis’ sudden and tragic death), or with moving (in my case quitting my job and the our move to another State), our symptoms will increase…..will “flare”……

Today…..everything has caught up to me!  Good thing I can just be home!  It takes SO much to just step outside with our dog (my ever present companion)!  

My legs do not want to work….my arms are so heavy!  I know that my hands and fingers will be cramped by the end of this!

Yet….I have the joy of knowing that I baked banana bread and some sandwich bread/rolls today!  (Yes!  All Low FODMAP friendly…..so my IBS will be happy at least! LOL)

I have done my best to slowly pace myself….to take naps…..to rest…..yet…..the culmination of everything we have been through these past months….must finally catch up!  And…I feel that is today!

So….I will rest more…….relax……go easy on myself!  Tomorrow will be a better day!

More Trials

As if the health struggles and the death of my Baby Sis have not been enough……..I received a call today from the advocacy group I was working with to obtain SSDI!  They are closing shop!  They were kind enough to offer the option of having another advocate who they would recommend to contact me to continue with my application!

Really???!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

All I can do is smile……take a deep breath……and await another phone call. Await the opportunity to speak with someone else regarding my predicament.

There is some solace in knowing that I have completed additional information for Social Security…..so my application is moving forward…..just one more hiccup along the road!

By now I should be used to “hiccups”…..to “road blocks”…..

I can only breath deeply….relax and hope for the best!!

My Dearest Sis

Thank you, my Dear Sis for giving such a wonderful gift!

I felt you with us today as we drove…taking in the awesome views of the hills….the enormous corn fields…..the hay fields…..the beginning of the Rocky Mountains!

As we approached our new home, I had to smile! I know this is what my Sis would want for us!

We are home! My Sis is with us!  I have never felt so relaxed….so at peace!

The “Truth” of Fibro

I have found that Fibromyalgia wants to confirm to all that it is in control!  Control of every ache and pain throughout the body!  Yet…that is not enough!  It also wants to attack the energy….the memory of those in its path!

Yes! Fibromyalgia is not only a condition that attacks the muscles….but the energy and the memory of its assalent!  

We do not ask to be its victim!  I…nor you..asked to be its victim!  Yet….we were selected to be……to become part of this Fibro family!

I guess…just as in any family…..the individual truly never chooses!  Afterall….we do not choose our Mother or Father!  We are “born” into a family……we then grow and develop from that…….

Fibro is like that!  I did not “choose” to have Fibro!  Yet….I am now in the “Fibro Family”!

Fibro attacks our muscles…..our strength….our memory……..it causes us to experience extreme fatigue!  What we share is the feeling of being “abnormal”….of feeling “completely lost”!

We are “trapped” within our bodies…..left to feel that we are “crazy”…..that we are “alone”…….

This is far from the truth! WE are many!  

We are from every race…..from every sect…..from every creed!  We KNOW Fibro does not care what Color, Race, Creed or Sex!

WE will UNITE to fight this illness….this syndrome….this condition!

Death

The reality of death is truly overwhelming!

Death is so much more complicated!

I visited….hugged…and kissed…the “shell” that was my beautiful Sis!  Only to be reminded that the beautiful “person” within….was her wonderful spirit!  The forehead that I placed kisses upon was an empty shell….the form that had once held her being…..

Yet….I need that wonderful being!  I SO desperately need my Sis!

I know the cold forehead that received those kisses…..was only the form….the body…..NOT my Sis…..the warmth….the light…the true spirit was gone!  I know she was experiencing that wonderful light and warmth…..the true glow of Heaven!  My Sis is one with God and his Angels!

This step is THE hardest! I had thought others close……but NO!  Not as close as this……

I am struggling with how I am to come out of this!  How can I recover and somehow come close to the person that my Sis was?

I feel a complete failure!  I have no way to compensate…….no way to make up for the person…the future….that she showed!

Life’s Impact!

This whirlwind that I have been experiencing is truly “kicking my butt!”

I know that there are major stressors in life…..death of a loved one…..moving….quitting a job……etc.

As you know, I have dealt with the sudden, tragic death of my Baby Sis……..I quit my job due to my health……and we moved!

YES!  I am dealing with the top stressors AND Fibromyalgia!

I am learning that Fibro IS in control right now…..yet, I am NOT willing to give it total control of my life!

I close my eyes and see a time when I can hike…..can walk….can be an active participant….and Fibro will be a bistander!  LOL

Fibromyaglia truly magnifies ALL that I am experiencing……the overwhelming fatigue….the pain….the heaviness in my extremities….the overwhelming brain “fog”! 

The difficulty in remembering a simple thought!  Not being able to remember if you flushed the toilet or not!  Not being able to remember if you asked a simple question!   Then find your son to say “Mom, you aksed me that twice all ready!”!!!!

This is the impact…..the TRUE IMPACT that Fibro has on one’s life!  It SUCKS!  For lack of a better term!  I don’t know of any other way to describe it!

I used to be a smart….strong…..aspiring individual!  I now feel that I am a captive…….who is trying to regain freedom! I WILL be able to regain some semblance of strength!

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