Can I take a minute a rant?!? Take time to rave!?!? To scream?!?!?!
It SUCKS to no longer have my Sis!! I am NOT alone!!!
I hurt SO much for her Boyfriend!! The most precious man that loved my Sis!!!
I do NOT like this new reality that I am FORCED to live in!!! The one that we are ALL forced to endure!!
I want to speak with my Dear Sis! I desperately need her strength as I deal with the horrific truth that is my day to day experience!
As my Primary Doctor said at our last visit…..she did not truly believe in Fibromyalgia as a diagnosis…until she met me!
There is an overuse of our condition…..yet those of us that TRULY have Fibromyalgia…Polyarthralgia…and other obscure diseases/conditions…..understand all TOO well!
We are in a unique world! The medical realm does not fully understand….really…they have NO clue! They have more questions than answers for us. We are on the front!
Modern medicine cannot explain what is wrong…they cannot define….cannot give us TRUE answers for what we are going through….
We are just stuck to live in our reality!
As I sit and watch the falling leaves…….blown to and fro in the wind…..
I see the light dusting of snow on the mountain….like white dust….
The deep reds….golds…oranges…..
Brilliant color surrounds…….branches that are now exposed….
Just like life……the changing colors…..represent the changing stages of our lives….
The path…the road that we each travel….
It is NOT one that we have chosen….
It is somehow chosen for us…..
I miss you, Sis! Each and every day! You have left a huge void….a giant hole…..within so many! I am SO proud to have been your big Sis! Love you! Forever…and ALWAYS!!!!
Looking through photos as I sit in my chair….
This picture was taken the last time I saw my Sis….the last time that I was able to give her a HUGE hug! The day that she was SO excited about her new motorcycle helmet! She even let me hold it!
She and her boyfriend came over to see us while our son was participating in a Youth Day put on at the Gun Club in Myrtle Point, OR. (It was a surprise for him! And a great opportunity to visit with my Mother-in-law!)
She was full of smiles! Loving life and SO happy! It was the happiest that I had ever seen her! And I knew that it was “love”….you could see it written all over her! I was so excited for her!
My Sis always took time for her nephews and niece! She was ALWAYS there for them….she doted on them! She was always there for their special days…..birthdays, baptisms, confirmations!
It is crazy to view these pics….to think back….to feel the sunshine of that day…..
(This was the day before she was taken from us all!!!)
For those who suffer from Chronic Pain and associated conditions, the thought of riding in the car brings mixed feelings! Like yesterday…..we had one last opportunity for our son to participate in a youth hunt. The catch? It would require riding in the rig more than normal…..it was an area about 1 1/2 hours away….
I could not say no. My body was all ready hurting beyond belief….much more than normal….however, I desperately wanted our son to have one last opportunity! (Yes….I completely ignored the screaming of my body which said to stay home!)
Needless to say….it proved the fact that riding in a vehicle SUCKS! Truly sucks when you suffer from a Chronic Pain condition (like Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, etc.)! A healthy person does not understand how much effort….how tiring….how difficult it is to ride in a vehicle….even for a short amount of time!
Was it worth it? Yes….our son did not get a deer…..BUT we as a family saw the most beautiful sunrise! And, we were able to see about 60 Antelope! AWESOME!!
Now….today….I “pay the piper”……I recline under a heated blanket…..not able to do anything…..
Yet…I can close my eyes….and see that sunrise….here our son’s excitement as he watched those antelope through the binoculars….time with my “guys”…..is priceless!!!
Pain is the known constant…
Always present, it never leaves…
It wants to take over,
It wants to own me….
I fight it…constantly,
I do not want to give in….
Yet, I know it is in control
Right now…for the moment…
There is no “quick” fix….
No easy way out….
Not that I would ask for one!
I just want to understand….
To have some type of answer….
To know the culprit that is the cause….
Mostly….I am concerned that our son NOT inherit these issues!!!
Being a Mom in Chronic Pain is hard. (If you are a Dad…just substitute….as I can only speak from MY perspective.)
I will NOT allow Pain to own me…
Pain will NOT own me…
I love my hubby and my son….
Pain is taking away precious time that I could spend…
My hope is anchored in HOPE and FAITH….
These will overcome Pain….
I am in for the long haul….
I will keep strong for the fight!
Just know that Pain will NOT win!