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Living With Pain

My thoughts are not focused
Scattered as if by the wind.
The pain that is overwhelming
Will give no relief.
Sleep is but a wish
A distant dream.
The lack of precious sleep
Magnifies the intensity.
Guaranteed to embrace the
Spasms, throbbing, aching, burning.

I do not understand the reason
Yet I truly feel no need to question.
I choose to trust
In God, The Father.
I choose to believe
That I will somehow give strength to others.
I choose to continue to dream
Of a life yet to be that has less pain.

I struggle with my grief
As I see the pain in the eyes of those close.
My husband and son, family and friends
Must watch…as if on the sidelines.
I smile and put on my best front
Not wanting to see the fear and concern in their eyes.
It is through displaying strength
That I hope their fears will be lessened.

The loss of my Baby Sis
Has cast a shadow.
Yet the bright blue in her eyes
The intense joy of her smile.
Closing my eyes to hear her voice
Remembering her laugh.
I speak to her daily
Knowing she hears and understands.
Her gentle touch via the breeze
Or the warmth of the sun.
Reminds me that this I do not understand
Yet again, I know that God Our Father has a plan.

These words are not written as shallow
Without feeling….without the huge sense of loss.
I am living through the immensity of both
My bodily/ability loss and that of my CareBear.
I find strength in her perseverance
In her zestful taste of life.
I embrace my husband and son
Relishing in their laughter and enthusiasm.
I so appreciate my family and dear friends
The sound of their voices, words by email/text.

For now this reality of constant pain
Living with these overwhelming sensations.
Day upon day upon day
Is truly my cross to bear.
Some day I will look back on this time
I hope with just a touch of understanding.
In hopes that somehow, somewhere
I was able to touch someone’s life
Just as my Dear Sister.

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