I gained further insight this morning! A breakthrough for me. I am finally realizing that I am struggling with being unproductive!
Before my chronic conditions forced my departure from the workforce, I was the primary income for our family. My husband’s attempts to find employment were met with odd jobs here and there while trying to grow his fish taxidermist business.
I was working full-time, teaching 4/5 grade at our Parish, and assisting with the Altar Servers. All of which I gradually had to let go…until I just had to disappear from them all! I could not even attend Mass! Sitting quietly would increase my pain level so much that I would have to lie on the couch the rest of the day!
We have moved which has helped the stress. Our son is thriving in his new school. My husband has job opportunities. My health has not yet improved. I know that my conditions are extreme at this point in time. I realize it will take years for my body to settle enough that I can form what will be my new life pattern.
I now understand that I had mentally come to terms with this, yet I had not done so emotionally! Just as I am still grasping the reality of life without my Baby Sis!
This emotional toll is what I am feeling now….it is as if I am now comfortable enough in our new place to allow my guard down. Enough that my emotions are attempting to show their head.
This places me into an internal struggle! My “inner self” is now trying to protect me. This is the reason that my sleep has been so negatively impacted these past 4 days!
Once I realized what was happening, I paused to thank my “inner self” for the protection. And reminded myself of the wonderful, safe place we are in now. The positive impact it is having on us all!
Now I must attend to those feelings of negativity! That of feeling unproductive, of feeling useless. Writing this is all ready helping! It is lifting the heavy weight that I had felt.
I know that this is temporary….even if it lasts a period of time….say 2 – 3 years. I am doing all I can in the mean time….as I Blog, share my feelings, sit with my son as he does his homework, text/email those close to us, place calls when I feel well enough, say prayers (many times) daily….remind our son of his Faith of the Church and the wonderful meaning of Mass.
I will be able to attend Mass in the future….I will be able to offer some form of service….for now though….I understand that I must allow myself to recover as best I can.
For now I must embrace the emotional side of my chronic conditions! Just as I am embracing the emotional side of life with my Sister’s physical absence.