Failure…..Webster defines it as “1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success. 2. non performance of something due, required, or expected. 3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency. 4. deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc….”
Each of us deals with failure or feeling like we have failed at some point in our lives. It could have been the first time we tried to ride a bike….only to find oneself falling over time after time…unable to stay up. It could have been one’s attempt to learn how to hit a baseball….swing to miss….swing to miss…
These memories or times in our lives proved one thing to us. If we continued to practice….continued to pick ourselves up….eventually we were able to master (or somewhat master) a new skill.
Now taking this a step further……I find myself in a very difficult situation….I am living with Fibromyalgia/Polyarthralgia/Chronic Pain Disorder/IBS/Pelvic Floor Syndrome/Spastic Colon/Colostomy and ALL their related symptoms. Because of all my underlying internal issues, I cannot take medications that would help “jump start” a recovery path for my Fibromyalgia/Polyarthralgia/Chronic Pain Disorder.
I have left specialist after specialist….doctor after doctor….and ultimately a medical university team scratching their heads……..nothing at all that could be offered to me…..only looks of compassion.
Time and practiced patience….commitment to being as positive as possible…..daily attempts to maximize rest….gently stretch and to attempt movements…all while enduring all symptoms that my conditions can throw at me.
Amidst all of this, there are times that I struggle with an overwhelming sense of failure…..the sense of letting those dearest to me down. After all, I can no longer work, so I have added an extra layer of financial stress to my husband. Our son has never experienced a “healthy” Mom, so he has had to bear more responsibility than a child should. There is not an aspect of my life…our our lives that my conditions do not impact! This is true for ALL of us battling chronic illness.
These feelings of failure ARE fleeting….even though they seem overwhelming while we are in the midst of this emotional meltdown! We may not share or show these feelings….I know that I do my best to conceal them….I do not want to worry my husband and son any more than they are all ready. I choose to express through words….to release any negativity by sharing with others that are dealing with the exact same roller coaster.
We are not where we would have planned to be….we are not living life like we had dreamed….yet…I know…we have NOT given up! We are still dreaming and planning for that day…..the day when our conditions are under some semblance of “control”.
Each of us is traveling our own “pain path” that will be wrought with twists and turns….ups and downs…..slips and falls…..there will be times of frustration….of failure….of despair….and even times depression.
Remember to use the tools at your disposal….watch a funny movie or your favorite movie….paint or write…..sit outside in the sun…..take a nap……allow yourself some form of distraction….of relief….and do not torture yourself over those feelings! In doing so you will return to yourself…..your feeling of “failure” will lose its grip….you will once again be invigorated to continue with your efforts to contain your pain and many associated symptoms.
Leave a Reply