What is the lesson?
What am I to learn?
What am I lacking?
What do I need to improve?
Questions are reeling
Through my mind….
Prayers are said
In complete earnest
Knowledge and discernment…
The reason for this path?
Why was this dictated to me?
My Sister always said
I was strong….
I do not feel that…
Weak and broken
Those are the best description…
Will I ever understand?
Will the knowledge
Be granted after death
When I stand before
Our Great God and Judge?
Will I be allowed
To impact…to share….
To somehow assist…
Another on this
Is this the
To know pain
In an intimate way…
To experience pain
In all its magnitude…
To better understand
My neighbor and friends
For having travelled
Where so few
Have truly dwelled…
I had my second Ketamine Infusion on Friday…..so far my body is not responding at all like the first time. Yes…I did spend the weekend sleeping…just like the first time….yet by now I was feeling some change in symptoms.
Yesterday the burning just kept escalating! It was so overwhelming that I just had to give up and curl up in bed at 5:30 PM last night! Curled up and kept praying to be able to relax…to rest….to somehow get the intense burning and overly sensitive skin to calm….it took hours before I was able to finally give in and sleep…
Today I am still experiencing the burning on my right side….having nasty cramps in my right wrist and left foot! My chest hurts so much….just from the pressure of my light weight shirt!
I feel the tears….I want to cry! Yet…that would help nothing!
I can only wait for the next day or two…to see if there will be any positive change in symptoms…
For many of us, the excitement in the day is a visitor at the door or the chance to go for a ride in the car…exhausting as either of these events can be. It is an opportunity to connect with the outside world….the world that we only see via computer, TV, or reading….
We see the world outside the window….we might even be able to step out onto the deck or porch to sit for a short while…to feel the fresh breeze on our skin….to feel the warmth of the sun….
On some days we may not be able to walk farther than the restroom or the couch…we are forced to rest….to lightly stretch…to attempt to engage our minds somehow….
This past year and a half, especially, has really been an eye opener for me. I had always pushed myself….doing as much as possible…no matter how much pain I was experiencing….yet I have found a blessing in being forced to be homebound.
It has opened my eyes to be more sensitive to others….to appreciate those that take the time to stop by and “check in”….to treasure the opportunities to sit outside or go for a ride…I understand the increased pain or symptoms brought by these.
I see the importance of visiting those that are homebound or shut-ins…a ministry that is often neglected….not intentionally of course….just not on the forefront…
I have a strong desire to become involved to help others experiencing this….I don’t yet know how….at this point I can only encourage those that do stop in…to let them know how important their visit is…
I hope to regain enough strength….to regain my ability to focus….to not suffer so badly from Fibro Fog so that I can offer to visit others…(this is my dream….a lofty goal).
Those of us dealing with Fibromyalgia/Polyarthralgia/Chronic Pain Disorder/IBS and the like dread the idea of catching a cold, getting an infection, etc.
This month has been a difficult one! The first of May was stressful as it was the first anniversary of my sister’s death….the stress combined with my conditions helped me to get the nasty head cold that my hubby had….(Even with best attempts….cleaners, hand washing, etc. to prevent.)
The nasty head cold led to a urinary tract infection….which then led to another bacterial infection….PLUS all my symptoms are back (body has completely “awakened” from the Ketamine Infusion)…
Needless to say….I am on yet another…different round of antibiotics to treat the current bacterial infection….to be followed by another treatment that my doctor hopes will get me over the last of this mess!
I know I sound crazy! I am SO looking forward to just dealing with my “normal” full blown symptoms of Fibro!!!
The early morning light
Reveals a guest brilliant
Against the blue…
The moon is embraced
In the start of the day
Far from his usual display…
The darkness of night
With the glittering stars
And soft stealthy glow…
Replaced for a short time
With the bright colors
And hues of a glorious day…
It is uplifting to the heart
The spirit jumps
As the heavens embrace the sight…
As I had previous posted, the Ketamine Infusion had changed up my symptoms. This afternoon we did something as a family that we rarely do….we went to the movies! Yes went to the earliest Matinee showing…and yes…I took a nap before we went.
Sitting through a movie is not pleasant. Constantly fidgeting…shifting because of the discomfort. Then…BAM….my body came out of the little bit of a protective cover that the treatment had provided. It took all my effort and focus to not start screaming…..all I could do was shift….try to watch the movie….shift….
The burning sensations became so overwhelming…so fast…..my body is still on fire….clothing hurts (it is causing stabbing sensations into my chest)….throbbing….numbness and tingling are more intense…..no need to continue.
I will be checking in with my pain specialist this week to review where I am….to find out if he thinks another infusion will possibly provide a bit better relief….will be interesting to hear what he thinks.
For now….I must say it was wonderful having a brief period of time that allowed me to have that lower pain level….Level 10! Now I am ramping back to what I would tell the nurse is a 20!
A recent visit from some dear friends expressed the importance of those of us that are living at home….separated from the world…our health preventing us from physically participating with others.
It is hard to explain what it is like to those can easily walk out of their homes to hop a bus…to walk…or to get into a vehicle and head off to a destination without thought.
For those of us…like myself…the idea of a ride in the car is the highlight of day! Even though we know that we will be worn out…that it will take a toll…
I know that the hardest part for me has been the separation from people….the fact that the only interaction is my hubby and son…not that this is bad…it is just not normal! Just think! Think of the number of coworkers…friends….you come into contact with on a day to day basis….if they just suddenly disappeared???
I have come to appreciate the weekly visits of some dear friends….while I struggle with the fact that our Church in a neighboring community has not yet been able to find someone willing to bring Communion….
I see there are many opportunities to serve those that are homebound….I feel that God has blessed me with this first hand opportunity…to see the need….as I am one….
I am no where near able to help anyone else….I just hope that those reading this can see how important their “ability” is for those of us that are bound by our physical restraints.
Do not take me wrong…I am thankful for my loving husband and son…for our neighbors and friends….and family that provide help and strength….I am being made much more profoundly aware of others….
Others trapped within the walls of their homes….I worry that they do not have the support system that I have….that they are yearning to talk to someone….