Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Archive for November, 2016


While reading Matthew 8:5-10 KJV, I was overwhelmed with the faith that was demonstrated by the centurion:

“And when Jesus was entered into Capernaum, there came unto him a centurion, beseeching him, And saying, Lord, my servant lieth at home sick of the palsy, grievously tormented.

And Jesus saith unto him, I will come and heal him.

The centurion answered and said, Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldest come under my roof: but speak the word only, and my servant shall be healed.

For I am a man under authority, having soldiers under me: and I say to this man, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it.

When Jesus heard it, he marvelled, and said to them that followed, Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel.”

I read this…then read this again. Each time the same question came to my mind…is my faith as strong as the centurion demonstrated?

Each of us is in a different place in our Faith.  Just as the path of chronic pain has its twists and turns…its ups and downs…so does our walk of Faith.  There are times we feel strong and secure…like we have a full measure….there are times that we struggle…like we are grasping tightly to that small grain of Faith that is the size of a mustard seed.

Remember…no matter where we are on these paths…our Heavenly Father is there…always watching…and listening to our prayers.


A Tranquil Thought

The scripture reading today in my in-box was perfect!  Just the scene that a body wracked with pain and a brain thick with Fibro Fog needed…

It is a reading from Isaiah 11:6-9:

The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones shall lie down together: and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’ den.

They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain: for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea.”

The peaceful scene described instantly calmed my mind…strengthened my resolve for the day.

The amplified symptoms I am experiencing today are truly temporary. The symptoms will settle back to “normal”.

For now…I can focus my mind’s eye on this tranquil setting…all in harmony with God’s plan…all free from pain…

Look to the Sky

Eyes drawn ever upward
Searching the sky…

At times a trace of clouds

Or a plane leaves its track…

The trees stretch

Standing tall to pierce the sky…

At times we catch movement

Of birds in flight…

Wings spread wide to embrace

The power of the current…

From a brilliant blue

To the darkest black…

Colors abound above us

Caught in the beauty of the sunrise and sunset…

These are but a few

Of the glories seen with the naked eye…

At night the myriad of lights

Stars, planets, suns, galaxies abound…

Our Spirits sense the Divine

Our Heavenly home…

That where our Heavenly Father dwells

That which was made possible through Christ our Lord…

Intuitively we search upwards

Knowing that there is One greater…

That there is a Creator

Who is the Alpha and the Omega…


It is so wonderful to have a day like today, Thanksgiving, to ponder on all things that we are thankful for, as well as all the many blessings in our lives!

Many are blessed to gather with family and/or friends…some may be enjoying a quiet, simple day like me.  I have been battling a bacterial infection along with a Fibro Flare (thanks to said infection and the medication for it)….so my husband, son and I are having quality time!

It was such a blessing listening to the laughter, the squeals, and the many shouts as my husband and son were playing football on the Wii downstairs!

The beauty of the first snow raises my spirits! Can’t help but smile at the visible excitement of our son as he looks forward to the snowfall to come.img_6991

I look out our front window to view the snow covered mountain!  Just one of the many blessings of I can enjoy from the comfort of my recliner.

Thankful for the scented wax in my candle warmer…filling the house with a calming scent of sage. One of the few scents that does not cause nausea!

We will enjoy a simple meal today…smoked elk roast, rice and carrots….with pumpkin pie for our desert!  Sometimes it is the simplest of things that warm our hearts!  Those with chronic illnesses/conditions will truly understand that!

May each of you who read this be reminded of all that you have to be thankful for as the Holiday Season begins!

Insurance – The Frustration!

As the chronically ill know too well, insurance is often SO very frustrating!

I spent today dealing with insurance…yes..the frustration. I refuse to allow insurance to dictate what care my specialists and/or doctor provide to me…their patient.  It is my specialists and my primary care doctor that are in the “trenches” with me…doing their best to help improve my quality of life.

I have said this before…I SO appreciate my specialists and primary doctor.  I feel truly blessed to have such wonderful medical providers.  I most appreciate their honesty.  They have each said that my case is “extremely unique….unusual….not really sure how they can help”…yet each one has and is doing his/her best to help me!

Then there is insurance.  Insurance TRULY is NOT on the side of the chronically ill…they have no concept on dealing with hidden illnesses and hidden conditions!  We do not “fit” into their wonderful “scripts” or their “books”.  They choose to have their “doctors” dictate to our doctors what is best for us.

YES!  A doctor who has NO IDEA about us!  One who has never met us…never seen our physical pain…our anguish…our tears…our frustration…our losses!

I for one am just fed up with this!  I am fed up with insurance dictating to my pain specialist that I my pain pump trial is denied because they do not have an MRI of my back! (Yes…you read correctly….they want an MRI of my back with the pinched nerve….SAY WHAT???  Where is pinched nerve in the diagnoses of Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, IBS-C, and Pelvic Floor Syndrome.) I am fed up with insurance saying that the new medicine that my pain specialist thinks will offer some relief must be “pre approved” by insurance…again…they must have the ultimate say if it is correct for me or not.  How would THEY know???

So I DID NOT take any of this lightly. I have been in contact with insurance…I was on the phone regarding why they refuse to allow the pain pump trial…I was on the phone with the “prescription drug” arm regarding the pre authorization.

I was told by the “prescription drug” arm that the medication should have been added back in January to my possible drug list…that insurance calls my “formulary list”.  Yeah….right…my specialists and/or doctor have a crystal ball!  They can look into the future and come up with what will work and will not work. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Needless to say…I FINALLY got a phone number for the actual insurance itself so that I can follow up with them in the near future.  I want to ask them WHY they think that THEY know better than MY specialists and/or doctor who are working WITH me on a regular basis!

All of this frustration TAKES ITS TOLL!  The stress exacerbates my conditions which are all ready flaring because of additional infection.  The amount of energy it takes is INCREDIBLE!

As an individual living with constant, severe, chronic pain, my extremely limited energy reserves are used to just get through the day…to have some time with my family….on a really good day…maybe even to have a friend come over to visit. Yet I feel it is important to stand up for myself…to stand up on behalf of ALL of us who have to expend energy that we DO NOT have to stand up for ourselves!!  To battle not only our illnesses/conditions but to battle our insurance companies for our needed medications and/or treatments.

This IS NOT how the insurance system should work. This is the UGLY side that most individuals will never have to deal with…most can just go along completely unaware. AND, most sadly of all, I worry for those who have chronic illness and do not have the ability, the stamina, or the determination to fight for what is best for him/her!


All effort required

To move legs

Weighted with cement…

The thick cloud

Of fatigue

Threatens to overwhelm…

Arms ever burdened

Bound with ties

Unseen by human eyes…

The sluggish response

Of the smallest reaction

As if moving in slow motion…

While flesh is pierced

It is stabbed and set fire

By hidden foes…

One must draw

From deep within

To fight the hidden monster…

To coax the body

Through the day

While fighting the overwhelming heaviness…

Fire in the Sky

img_6988The brilliant shine

Igniting the sky above…

Clouds glowing

As if molten hot…

The mountains dark

Standing tall and chilled…

The clouds are outlined

As with the artist’s brush…

Breath is paused

While taking in God’s canvas…

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