Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘Catholic’

“Squirrel” Brain

This title makes me smile

As I attempt to relay my reality.

Complex sentences, vibrant words

I can see and feel…yet not express.

Words jumbled and sentences started

To be left hanging as I slowly shake my head.

Fibromyalgia and many of its “companions”

Overload my brain causing words to collide.

I pray for grace and strength

As I struggle to remain calm.

Images of “how it used to be”

Flashing in my mind’s eye like lightning.

Simple conversation and odd pauses

Exasperated by stress…good or bad.

Typing helps bridge this divide

As words appear on screen…

At the onset I had given myself permission

To write as if there were no grammatical rules.

My mind goes to our son when a Tiger Scout

An active mind so easily distracted…

Another mother summed it up — “Squirrel”

Attention span gone, the hunt is on.

Flighty and crafty, darting about

On the search for one of its stashes.

I smile when our teenager gently corrects

Better yet when he supplies the word I am unable to find.

Chronic illnesses/conditions force reform

Reminded of how we are but clay in the Potter’s hand.

Let go the frustration

Dive deeper into prayer…

Handing over the reigns

Trusting with our heart.

Deep breath taken

And laugh at the squirrel.

Loss

As my body calms from the latest Fibro Flare with additional infections that I am prone to have, I am riding an emotional roller coaster.

I know that I am not alone…

We arise each day to slight differences in our symptoms. Our hidden illnesses and conditions exacerbate our pollen/tree/etc. allergies, or rather overly sensitivity to said allergies.  The beauty of Spring comes full during May…flowers, trees with blossoms, bees buzzing, birds chirping…

I am hit with emotions…

April is coming to a close…May is on the horizon.

I used to find myself reminded of the short rhyme — “April showers bring May flowers”…this is especially true of the Pacific Northwest.  I look out the window to see the snow loosing its grip on the mountain and see the many buds on the trees outside.  Yes, May is approaching quickly…too quickly…

This roller coaster of emotions is not new…it has changed over time…it will continue to impact in different ways.

I am not alone in feeling this sense of loss…raw emotion…tears welling…memories are stirred…

I do not want to be reminded…

I could feel your presence yesterday afternoon…I was given the greatest relief of my stresses/worries. I was powerfully overwhelmed by the greatest peace. I had to smile! I could hear my sister’s voice… “You are such a Dork!  Remember that you handed the keys to God. Now step back and listen.”

You always knew what to say…accented of course by the eye roll…or the slight throw back of the head…

We will relive those emotions associated with our loss and Heaven’s gain…

We will each celebrate the memory of your life…my dearest sister, Carrie Murray…while we embrace those close to us.

Love you, forever and always, Sis!

Let’s Own It

Here’s to all of you with chronic illnesses and conditions! During this latest flare (Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Piriformis Syndrome, IBS-C) plus additional infections (bacterial vaginosis and yeast infection), I looked at myself in the mirror and simply said:

“I am going to make sick look good!”

My chronic conditions have taken enough! I will embrace my “new” fragile self and continue to thank God every day for his strength and courage to allow Him to be seen through my weaknesses.

Hope

It feels like an eternity since I have written a health update!

Again, I must express my gratitude for my pain pump!  It is the reason that my Pain Specialist has been able to determine that I have Sciatica (both left and right side)…. Sacroiliac (right side)…and now Piriformis Syndrome.

A week from Monday, I will receive another injection to calm the Piriformis.  We are working towards improved function of my right leg.  I am sure many of you have dealt with the Sciatic nerve(s) acting up: burning, numbness, tingling, throbbing, stabbing, muscle spasms, etc.  My right leg from buttock to the tip of my big toe has been experiencing these symptoms along with being unresponsive at times –foot will drag or leg will not move when I tell it to.

The issues with my right leg have been a big problem for years now.  I had come to accept this as just one more thing to learn to live with…yet now more layers to my medical conditions have been uncovered.  There should actually be improvement to movement!

Backwards

Chronic conditions take such a toll…stretching us to our breaking point…like a tennis ball on an elastic cord…we are tossed about without rhyme or reason.

We are bombarded by new or worsening symptoms…as we start a medication, deal with interactions between medications, struggle with adjustments to our prescription(s).

Add new diagnoses that further complicate our all ready complex situations…we truly push our medical teams…as they are thrust into the unknown.

The inevitable “Flares” that strike…some we know are coming due to choices we make (like going out to lunch with a friend…attending Parent Night to meet our son’s teachers…a simple short ride in the rig)…others strike for no apparent reason…forcing us to cancel plans…to retreat to the safety of our homes.

It is no wonder that we often feel that we are going backwards…despite our best efforts.

Yet I caught a glimpse of something precious when I paused with my eyes closed…in that short time, I took time to review the past few weeks…months…and saw progress!

I am speaking of those little changes…sitting through a rented movie –actually being able to focus and watch it…no recent falls…sleeping in a four hour block at night.

Take heart! Even when we feel like we are going backwards rather than forwards, we are progressing.

Don’t Underestimate the “Tools” Provided

In the early morning hours while saying a prayer, images were brought to mind.  It was as if I was watching a slide show highlighting the path of chronic illness that I have been traveling.  So empowering and providing such a tremendous peace, that I must share!

With spot light in hand, God provided a glimpse…a “bird’s eye” view of my path.  It was like looking at a map.  I could see that with each boulder, rock slide, downed tree, or gaping hole there was a small, hand drawn box.  The boxes ranged in vicinity to the obstacles…sometimes it was next to the obstacle, sometimes it was a mile…yet with EACH impediment there was a box associated with it.

This personalized Isaiah 64:8 — “But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.”

These boxes were the many “tools” that have been given to me!  I am truly humbled and overwhelmed as I ponder this revelation…friendships, medications, Bible verses, change in attitude, phone calls, songs, surprise visits, text messages…

Some of these “tools” reappear to demonstrate how some are repurposed like my hernia belt that my husband had modified for me due to my Colostomy.  This belt is now providing some relief to the Sacroiliac joint that is inflamed as I await the appointment for a steroid injection to reduce symptoms.

As I await results from additional testing, I am thankful for the “tools” that God has granted to me, especially for my family, friends, and medical team.

Another Tangent

As if our body’s aren’t under enough stress with our hidden illnesses and conditions, there always seems that more gets added to our plate!

I have been absent in dealing with “new” pain affecting my lower back and both legs. Results of the MRI showed Herniated discs (L4 and L5, S1 and S2) and arthritis in same area. So yes, definitely Sciatica.

I will go in for steroid injections next Wednesday. I do hope they provide relief. It would be SO nice to go back to my “usual” pain!

Tag Cloud