It is now 3 1/2 weeks post pain pump surgery! I have been amazed at how fast my body is healing. I have also been amazed at how quickly the swelling in my lower tummy went away. The butterfly bandages that the pain specialist placed over my surgical areas are still in place. I have noticed just a slight loosening of a couple of them on my tummy. No worries…supposed to let them fall off when they get loose.
I let my body dictate my actions. Let myself sleep in as long as I need….some mornings I am awake at 5…sometimes 6…I try to get up before 7. I am making an effort to walk about the house a couple times a day…goal of 2-3 minutes…resting for an hour afterwards. A nap in the afternoon is still a must! I find that I am sleeping for 2-3 hours…very solid and hard sleep.
I still have to give in and go to bed between 7:30 and 8 PM…to just lie down with pillow under my legs. I take advantage of this quiet time to read or work a puzzle. This down time has worked well to allow me to fall off into a good hard sleep.
We have definitely set what I think is the perfect balance of the pain pump and my current oral medication levels. When I go back in (in about 1 1/2 weeks), my doctor will again increase the pain pump level so we can continue to cut back the oral meds.
This is such an exciting time! It is SO awesome to be working toward a goal…an achievable goal! It is SO rare for those of us with chronic pain from Fibromyalgia or the like to actually be able to be in this situation!!
Now don’t get me wrong…I fully realize the path that is forming in front of me will be a long and arduous one. I know it will be years to regain some muscle…as all muscle is gone for having been homebound for so long. Even with this realization, my excitement is not diminished!
Below the surface
Threatening to erupt
The inevitable struggle
Whether recognized or not…
Why is there such stigma
An artificial wall per se
Associated with our feelings
That cause me to hide…
For some emotions are friends
The ability to interact
To easily express
I think you have a special gift…
To me the intensity
The incredible raw power
Harnessed within its grasp
I would rather not feel…
I channel in pieces
The emotions that
Are churning within…
I could not help but smile and find myself in awe while watching our pup experience her first full day of warm sunshine.
Watching her reaction to the first flying bug, ears perked and swatting at it with her paw. Then a dried leaf tumbles by, distracting her…as she chases after it…quickly running back to me with her “prize”!
Our lab runs by with their sock…off for a game of tug-a-war…just to be interrupted by the distraction of a bird landing in a tree. Our pup looking up…as if trying to figure out how to get up the tree.
Watching her copy the actions of our lab…he jumps over a rock….although hesitant, she attempts the same! She makes it…even though her landing is not the best! LOL
Soon she will be more coordinated…and her reactions to all that go on around will not be met with such wonder and curiosity…for now she is reminding me of all the miracles that surround us on a daily basis!
It is inevitable during our battle with chronic pain that we face discouragement. After all, we are battling on so many fronts!
We find ourselves struggling with the guilt that our longterm illness/conditions cause…as we watch our finances depleted and debts grow…knowing that we are helpless to do anything about it!
You may be fighting for social security disability like I am…finding that each time we get close to scheduling a hearing…that the “backlog” has pushed our case out yet another two to four months…
Add another layer.. .that with insurance changes that placed me into forced withdrawal as I awaited my prescription to be approved…
I could go on and on…the important point is to understand that we we will have ups and downs…no matter how positive we try to be. Remember that our projecting a positive front wears on us as well! Our limited “spoons” are often used before we can get out of our bedroom in the morning!
Allow yourself a time out…a day to sleep…a day to watch your favorite movies…the time will help you to “reset”. Our struggles will still be there but our spirit will have been strengthened.
As the waves
Crash upon the shoreline
So the waves
Of pain cascade throughout
Transforming every nerve
Into a volatile eruption
As spasms wrack an all ready tired frame…
Relentless crashing against the rocks
The waves continue to pound
As a hammer yet without mercy
Pounding and changing the shoreline
Demonstrating such power
As it rewrites the coast line
So with the intensity of pain
Every fibre of our being
Crying out…rather screaming
Albeit a silent scream
Unheard by human ears…
Tide pools are hidden
As the waves come in
The tide ever rising
The sand disappearing
Its watery blanket
So the transmission of activity
Nerves not relentingThe grimace…the groan…
The feeling of weakness
The tears that well up
That refuse to fall
Release from the tight grip
Wishful thinking…forcing a bowed head
Prayers for relief
Just the slightest…please…
To batter the shore
The intensity will
It must refrain
This heightened level will not keep
As prayer for strength
To navigate this path…
We all strive to do our best…to put our best face forward…to project an image of strength…yet, inevitably, we will have those low points. I like to visualize these as “bumps” in the road…
A few days ago, I was dealing with one of those low points. The overwhelming pain, fighting with insurance for the much needed medication change, dealing with my advocate regarding the Social Security Disability….not to mention the financial pressure…add in an even more severe headache than “usual”…and it did drag me down!
At times it just feels that I have no control over anything anymore! Yet…this is NOT true! I ALWAYS have control over my attitude…how I am going to view the world around me. Believe me…this was not a quick turn around…it took nearly half a day for me to be able to refocus my mind.
As difficult as it can be to maintain a positive attitude, I find myself blessed whenever I do choose that positive road rather than the negative road. No…it does not make the pain or symptoms go away…it does not diminish them…what it does is even more important…it strengthens my mental resolve! It helps to recharge my desire to view my life as a glass that is half full!
Our lives are further complicated due to our combinations of conditions/illnesses…however, those same conditions/illnesses do not have to dictate how we view ourselves or the world around us.