Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘death of a sibling’

Living with Chronic Pain Conditions

Words cannot explain the feeling of pain throughout the body…day and night. No positions help relieve.

Hard to express the feelings of dealing with this every day…minute…hour…month…year. It is all consuming!

I praise God for strength that is given to make it through the day. I focus on my family…wonderful Hubby, son and step son!

It is so unreal! Why so much pain and suffering? Yet you Our Lord went through so much more!

I praise God for each day and enjoy every moment with everyone!

Loss and Dispair

I am reeling from the news of my sister-in-law passing yesterday.

I am a jungle of feelings, lost and torn.

Having to call my Son to give him the news. Not being face to face to hold him as he cried.

Knowing he will see is Uncle soon helps.

We just cry out “WHY”!


A new day dawns

Casting its colors

Upon the land…

Lush greens shine

Dew shimmers

Brightness everywhere…

Birds calling

Break the silence

Squirrels jumping and running about…

Leaves are brilliant

Extending their arms

Branches now vibrant with life…

Precious Memories

It was 5 years ago today that my parents received the call. Carrie and Billy were in an accident. Carrie died at the scene and Billy was in hospital. All I could think of was getting to the hospital to see both of them! Just wanted to give Billy hugs and talk or sit.

Ally was able to meet me at the hospital to go in and see Carrie. Very emotional yet so reassuring! We could both tell that she is in heaven and just a shell remains.

Her Celebration of life and burial were amazing! All of those whose lives she had touch! Those from the law firm where she had been hired arrived in a bus! So many friends and family! Truly touched me.

Fast forward to today.

Our hearts will feel heavy today as someone so dear so endearing would be taken from us.

Yet Carrie’s legacy is living on through our memories, pictures, stories and her Memorial Scholarship awarded each year by University of Oregon Law School in her name. Students learn about Carrie and for 3 years now have been award the scholarship in her honor. Each one is touched by Carrie and so thankful!

I love seeing her picture and that smile! I will always hear her laugh and voice in my heart. She is part of us and always be so!

Love you forever and always Dear CareBear…

Heartache, Struggle, Persevere

How dare you begin with such a roar!

This month of May is a Lion…

Roaring, growling and then standing proud.

No matter how hard I try to prepare

The end of April starts the roller coaster.

Seasonal allergies will kick in…

Like a last ditch effort to switch gears.

The pinched nerve in my back reared it’s head

Hoping to derail the oncoming storm.

This year was different!

The anniversary of your death, Dear Sis,

Felt like a fuzzy blanket

Wrapped tight about.

The ache of your absence still strong

Yet ever stronger the feeling of your presence.

Within a handful of days

Wishing Mom and Dad “Happy Anniversary”!

Then the greatest news from U of O Law School,

The first Carrie Murray Memorial Scholarship has been awarded!

Wave after wave of emotions…


Your birthday is just around the corner…

I see those brilliant blue eyes

Filled with a true zest and love of life.

Memories will continue to flood our minds

Strengthening our resolve

To celebrate your life and memory.

You are watching from above

Your touch felt by ray of sun or touch of breeze.

Love you, forever and always, CareBear.

The Lesson of Pain

What is the lesson?

What am I to learn?

What am I lacking?

What do I need to improve?

Questions are reeling

Through my mind….

Prayers are said

In complete earnest

Seeking understanding

Knowledge and discernment…

The reason for this path?

Why was this dictated to me?

My Sister always said

I was strong….

I do not feel that…

Weak and broken

Those are the best description…

Will I ever understand?

Will the knowledge

Be granted after death

When I stand before

Our Great God and Judge?

Will I be allowed

To impact…to share….

To somehow assist…

Another on this

Long journey?

Is this the

True lesson?

To know pain

In an intimate way…

To experience pain

In all its magnitude…

To better understand

My neighbor and friends

For having travelled

Where so few

Have truly dwelled…

Four Walls

For many of us, the excitement in the day is a visitor at the door or the chance to go for a ride in the car…exhausting as either of these events can be.  It is an opportunity to connect with the outside world….the world that we only see via computer, TV, or reading….

We see the world outside the window….we might even be able to step out onto the deck or porch to sit for a short while…to feel the fresh breeze on our skin….to feel the warmth of the sun….

On some days we may not be able to walk farther than the restroom or the couch…we are forced to rest….to lightly stretch…to attempt to engage our minds somehow….

This past year and a half, especially, has really been an eye opener for me.  I had always pushed myself….doing as much as possible…no matter how much pain I was experiencing….yet I have found a blessing in being forced to be homebound.

It has opened my eyes to be more sensitive to others….to appreciate those that take the time to stop by and “check in”….to treasure the opportunities to sit outside or go for a ride…I understand the increased pain or symptoms brought by these.

I see the importance of visiting those that are homebound or shut-ins…a ministry that is often neglected….not intentionally of course….just not on the forefront…

I have a strong desire to become involved to help others experiencing this….I don’t yet know how….at this point I can only encourage those that do stop in…to let them know how important their visit is…

I hope to regain enough strength….to regain my ability to focus….to not suffer so badly from Fibro Fog so that I can offer to visit others…(this is my dream….a lofty goal).

Always in My Heart


The moment you entered my life

My first impression of you curled in that bassinet

Will be forever frozen in time…..

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I close my eyes to see

The curly blond, blue eyed toddler

Smiling as she gives me a gift of painted rocks….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I feel the rain

As we traipsed through

The streets of Washington, D.C….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I laugh at the stories

Of you and our brother

With frozen eyes in New York City…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I am also giggling

At the stories of road travel

Especially trying to get into Canada…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I am reminded of

Your “twin”….your friend from birth

As I took care of you both in the Church Nursery…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I smile at the memory of your

Shared birthday celebration in Roseburg

With your precious friend you so wanted me to meet…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Those many phone calls

Talks of concern about grades…about life….

Decisions to be made…..reassurance and hope….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Your look of disbelief

When I said he feels the same

For I saw how he looked at you…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

The doting Aunt

Whose nephew and niece

Looked at you as one who walked on water….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Somehow you always knew

The right word…the right touch….the right insight

To help….to guide….to enlighten…to share…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I often wondered how

You could do so much

In such a short amount of time…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

You are the most precious gift

Given from our Father above

Thank you for your love…your laugh….your insights….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

As The “Big” Sis

I can only write and truly understand my position…as the eldest…in this case…the “Big” sister…

At first, I was hesitant and worried about a Baby Sis…having two younger brothers and being the only girl did have its advantages!  LOL

Yet…when the day came…I truly…secretly hoped for a Baby Sis….the hope of having someone to confide in…to be a best friend…to share with…to have that special bond with…

God, in his perfect wisdom, blessed me with you!  My precious and most dear Baby Sis!

I am blessed to have your “twin” step up and claim me in your absence!  Yes!  Can you believe that?!?!?!

I had many hopes and dreams for myself….you and I know that I did not reach them…I was able to achieve other dreams instead….

More importantly, were all the hopes and dreams that I had for you!  The dreams of a life without the painful lessons that I had to learn….without the heartache….without the pain of never measuring up to your full potential…

My utmost dream for you was to have the opportunity to be loved for who you are…to be fully and completely loved for you…..to have you achieve your dreams….

I was so proud of how you were able to attend Johns Hopkins University! You excelled and had amazing experiences there! You were even offered a position to remain…and you remained steadfast in your decision to return to Oregon.

You struggled and were able to find a great position with Roseburg Forest Products….you excelled!  You were able to purchase your first home….you showed me up in every way!  LOL  You could paint….you could cut a straight line…you showed that you were SO multi-skilled!!!

I was SO proud of you!  I know now that I did not express to you how proud I truly was!  Yet…I know you understood….you felt it….

I also knew that you held a secret….something very close to your heart….

I know you were not wanting to reveal…yet…finally…you did….

You knew that I was protective….that I wanted only the best for you….so you tried to hide some things….yet…I could see….

I just wish you could have seen all of your dreams to fruition!

Yet…I know that you did….you lived life to the fullest….you followed your own path….you shared strength with others….you were such a good friend to so many….

I who have had few friends….and am not good with people….you…who had many friends…and was SO good with others!!!!

My only wish now…..other than having you back in a physical form…is to…somehow be able to connect with others as you!!!

I miss you…SO much!

Love you….forever…and always!!!

A Teary, Bleary Day

After a night of fitful dreams

Deep in color and emotion

The body now even more fatigued…

The sky expresses my turmoil

A glimpse of blue

Thick black clouds

Roll slowly, heavily overhead…

Their load released as

Fresh white snow on the mountain

Some falling as rain

Before the transformation…

The wind will gust

Then sudden silence

No movement no sound

Except for the lonely call of a dove…

Vibrant colors surround

Spring brings life

Yet with it sadness

The reminder of loss…

That hollow ache

The yearning to reach out

To touch….to hear…

Memory brings images

Laughter and sunshine

Shared experiences

The deep connection

That even death cannot break…

Slowly go about a few tasks

Listening to the sounds

Of Meatloaf on the stereo

Shifting focus as I struggle

The tears come and go

Just as the rain…

Today the elements

And I are united…

In a teary….bleary…day….

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