Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘death of a sister’

Precious Memories

It was 5 years ago today that my parents received the call. Carrie and Billy were in an accident. Carrie died at the scene and Billy was in hospital. All I could think of was getting to the hospital to see both of them! Just wanted to give Billy hugs and talk or sit.

Ally was able to meet me at the hospital to go in and see Carrie. Very emotional yet so reassuring! We could both tell that she is in heaven and just a shell remains.

Her Celebration of life and burial were amazing! All of those whose lives she had touch! Those from the law firm where she had been hired arrived in a bus! So many friends and family! Truly touched me.

Fast forward to today.

Our hearts will feel heavy today as someone so dear so endearing would be taken from us.

Yet Carrie’s legacy is living on through our memories, pictures, stories and her Memorial Scholarship awarded each year by University of Oregon Law School in her name. Students learn about Carrie and for 3 years now have been award the scholarship in her honor. Each one is touched by Carrie and so thankful!

I love seeing her picture and that smile! I will always hear her laugh and voice in my heart. She is part of us and always be so!

Love you forever and always Dear CareBear…

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The Impact of Loss

Our son was given an assignment in English this week. His teacher asked that the class “brain storm” and then write a story…a true story…about something that taught them some type of a moral lesson.  It was to have conflict, climax, etc.

He was very frustrated with this assignment.  “Mom…my life is flat….other classmates came up with ideas right away…”

I started mentioning ideas…hoping to spark his creative interest…

“What about our move?”

“No!” he said emphatically.  Tears welling in his eyes.

“Why not?” I asked knowing the answer.

“Because it involves Aunt Carrie. I have to keep that inside.” His tearful response.

I reassured him that it is okay to cry….it is okay to miss his Aunt…that I and many others miss her very much…each and every day.  I also reassured him that talking about it helps. And, that I understood why he would not want to use that as a topic in class.

After some more discussion, he hit upon his go cart that he had made with his Dad…perfect story!  He was able to immediately map out his thoughts for how he could present it in story form…showing how the process had strengthened his self confidence.

Yes, it has been one year and five months since that life changing day. The day that forever changed so many lives!

Last night reminded me again, of how challenging the sudden death of someone so close is for our children.  They do not have the resources that we as adults have…the experiences…the maturity to muddle their way through.

It is vitally important that we take time…take the time sit with them…to allow them to talk, sit in silence, or cry.  We have to help them…to guide them through the grieving process.

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The Lesson of Pain

What is the lesson?

What am I to learn?

What am I lacking?

What do I need to improve?

Questions are reeling

Through my mind….

Prayers are said

In complete earnest

Seeking understanding

Knowledge and discernment…

The reason for this path?

Why was this dictated to me?

My Sister always said

I was strong….

I do not feel that…

Weak and broken

Those are the best description…

Will I ever understand?

Will the knowledge

Be granted after death

When I stand before

Our Great God and Judge?

Will I be allowed

To impact…to share….

To somehow assist…

Another on this

Long journey?

Is this the

True lesson?

To know pain

In an intimate way…

To experience pain

In all its magnitude…

To better understand

My neighbor and friends

For having travelled

Where so few

Have truly dwelled…

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Always in My Heart

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The moment you entered my life

My first impression of you curled in that bassinet

Will be forever frozen in time…..

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I close my eyes to see

The curly blond, blue eyed toddler

Smiling as she gives me a gift of painted rocks….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I feel the rain

As we traipsed through

The streets of Washington, D.C….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I laugh at the stories

Of you and our brother

With frozen eyes in New York City…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I am also giggling

At the stories of road travel

Especially trying to get into Canada…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I am reminded of

Your “twin”….your friend from birth

As I took care of you both in the Church Nursery…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I smile at the memory of your

Shared birthday celebration in Roseburg

With your precious friend you so wanted me to meet…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Those many phone calls

Talks of concern about grades…about life….

Decisions to be made…..reassurance and hope….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Your look of disbelief

When I said he feels the same

For I saw how he looked at you…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

The doting Aunt

Whose nephew and niece

Looked at you as one who walked on water….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Somehow you always knew

The right word…the right touch….the right insight

To help….to guide….to enlighten…to share…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I often wondered how

You could do so much

In such a short amount of time…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

You are the most precious gift

Given from our Father above

Thank you for your love…your laugh….your insights….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

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As The “Big” Sis

I can only write and truly understand my position…as the eldest…in this case…the “Big” sister…

At first, I was hesitant and worried about a Baby Sis…having two younger brothers and being the only girl did have its advantages!  LOL

Yet…when the day came…I truly…secretly hoped for a Baby Sis….the hope of having someone to confide in…to be a best friend…to share with…to have that special bond with…

God, in his perfect wisdom, blessed me with you!  My precious and most dear Baby Sis!

I am blessed to have your “twin” step up and claim me in your absence!  Yes!  Can you believe that?!?!?!

I had many hopes and dreams for myself….you and I know that I did not reach them…I was able to achieve other dreams instead….

More importantly, were all the hopes and dreams that I had for you!  The dreams of a life without the painful lessons that I had to learn….without the heartache….without the pain of never measuring up to your full potential…

My utmost dream for you was to have the opportunity to be loved for who you are…to be fully and completely loved for you…..to have you achieve your dreams….

I was so proud of how you were able to attend Johns Hopkins University! You excelled and had amazing experiences there! You were even offered a position to remain…and you remained steadfast in your decision to return to Oregon.

You struggled and were able to find a great position with Roseburg Forest Products….you excelled!  You were able to purchase your first home….you showed me up in every way!  LOL  You could paint….you could cut a straight line…you showed that you were SO multi-skilled!!!

I was SO proud of you!  I know now that I did not express to you how proud I truly was!  Yet…I know you understood….you felt it….

I also knew that you held a secret….something very close to your heart….

I know you were not wanting to reveal…yet…finally…you did….

You knew that I was protective….that I wanted only the best for you….so you tried to hide some things….yet…I could see….

I just wish you could have seen all of your dreams to fruition!

Yet…I know that you did….you lived life to the fullest….you followed your own path….you shared strength with others….you were such a good friend to so many….

I who have had few friends….and am not good with people….you…who had many friends…and was SO good with others!!!!

My only wish now…..other than having you back in a physical form…is to…somehow be able to connect with others as you!!!

I miss you…SO much!

Love you….forever…and always!!!

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A Teary, Bleary Day

After a night of fitful dreams

Deep in color and emotion

The body now even more fatigued…

The sky expresses my turmoil

A glimpse of blue

Thick black clouds

Roll slowly, heavily overhead…

Their load released as

Fresh white snow on the mountain

Some falling as rain

Before the transformation…

The wind will gust

Then sudden silence

No movement no sound

Except for the lonely call of a dove…

Vibrant colors surround

Spring brings life

Yet with it sadness

The reminder of loss…

That hollow ache

The yearning to reach out

To touch….to hear…

Memory brings images

Laughter and sunshine

Shared experiences

The deep connection

That even death cannot break…

Slowly go about a few tasks

Listening to the sounds

Of Meatloaf on the stereo

Shifting focus as I struggle

The tears come and go

Just as the rain…

Today the elements

And I are united…

In a teary….bleary…day….

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The Day After…

The overwhelming fatigue of today is a physical reinforcement of the stress my body was under as we commemorated the life of my Sister on the first anniversary of her death (which was yesterday, May 3).

The night before, I was unable to fall asleep until about 1 am…and then experiencing only a few restless hours….as if my brain/body was fighting the thought of awaking….of accepting the next day that would inevitably come.

There were tears yesterday….and a lot of sharing!  Even though we were not all physically together…family and friends were connected via text and Facebook….interacting….sharing emotions….sharing your experience….unified in spirit….celebrating and remembering our beautiful, Carrie.

I slept hard last night…even took a long hard nap this morning….yet…I know it will be one of those days where…I will feel like I am asleep all day!! LOL  I know that this excessive fatigue is just one of the many “joys” of living with Fibromyalgia/Polyarthralgia/Chronic Pain Disorder and the like.

I have given myself permission to relax…to rest under my heated blanket….to allow myself to have a “time out”….my heart is at peace….the turmoil of yesterday has left…I know it will return….the next step will be her birthday…which is coming soon.

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Thoughts

I found myself missing you SO much today Sis!  I want nothing more than to speak with you…to tell you of my latest adventure….to speak with you about my fears….my anxiety about my upcoming treatment…

In my heart….I know you ARE with me…you ARE with us…

I was so excited to have the opportunity to shoot my first turkey today!  My first thought was to pick up the phone and send you a text….okay…I really wanted to just pick up the phone and call you!  Yet…I know that your phone is full…no more messages can be left…

We miss you terribly…

Life says that we must “move on”….

My heart says “NO WAY”!!…

Reality?!?!?  I as so many of us…will continue to push ahead….

I will NOT “move on”….I choose to “move forward”…..

In “moving forward”….I choose to bring YOU with me….I open myself to your presence…feeling you with me….

I SO miss you, Sis…beyond what words describe…especially with my “Fibro Brain!”  You were my connection to our family…YOU were my link….I cannot describe the special connection….

My mind races back to the toddler who would share my bed when we went to Grandpa & Grandma’s….I feel you…just as then….curled up…and pressing against my back…as if you could not get close enough….

I now long for those days….I want to have you that close again…

Miss you….now…and forever….

Love you…always….Forever!

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Many Thoughts

We are approaching the one year anniversary of the unexpected death of my Sis…I am feeling emotions….I have had many thoughts….

I have been questioning my ability as a wife….as a mother…my health has had such an impact on us all!  The stress of dealing with the day-to-day of living with a chronic health condition impacts us all!

I have sent texts to my Sis….even though I know she cannot physically respond….she can respond to me spiritually….

My Sis was my confidant…my closest and dearest friend….

Tears cloud my vision….as those that knew her know…she IS irreplaceable!  She was able to fill that gap….to be that special person for SO many!

I feel her loss more these days….as I am homebound….I have not had the opportunity to interact….to even try to find solace in others outside of my husband and son…

We have a few visitors…which bring much happiness!  I love to have the chance to interact…even though it tires me….it is good to have contact with others!  I yearn for the time that I will be well enough to venture outside of the house…

I anticipate that emotions will become much stronger as we approach the first anniversary of Carrie’s death….and then her birthday….

Needless to say….I cannot type more…tears blur the letters….the words….

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Exercise and Fibro — Hard Lesson Learned

Those of us with Fibro read and are told that exercise is the best way for us to get our Fibro symptoms under control….we are warned to take “baby steps”…..to start easy…..say by walking to the mailbox and back…..

For some of us, like me….that idea of walking to the mailbox and back is TOO great a distance.  Instead I thought of doing 2 minutes on the elliptical (that way I would have assistance with leg movement)….and I would attempt this each day.

Yesterday, I made the mistake of listening to music while on the elliptical….and, yes….you guessed it! I spent 4 minutes walking!!!

I have to be VERY careful because of my severe Fibro Fog and complete inability to keep focused!!!!!

Ultimately….I have learned yet ANOTHER hard lesson……or rather lessons!!!

I am NOT ready for the elliptical…even though it assists with leg movement.  I will need to wait another month or so…..and then at that time…..I will attempt 2 minutes every other day.

I AM ready for just simple movement around the house….with the aid of my walker.  This simple movement…..walking to the bathroom…..walking to the sink to refill my cup…..walking to the door to let the dog in/out…..THESE movements ARE my exercise!

I know that movement….gentle stretching….is important…yet MORE importantly is understanding that my “exercise” is the simplest possible right now.  The gentle stretching in bed under the heated blanket before attempting to get out of bed…..the “walk” to the kitchen is a major start to my day!  The rest in between is MOST important now….

I must first get to some type of stable…..before attempting more.

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