Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘death of sister’

Heartache, Struggle, Persevere

How dare you begin with such a roar!

This month of May is a Lion…

Roaring, growling and then standing proud.

No matter how hard I try to prepare

The end of April starts the roller coaster.

Seasonal allergies will kick in…

Like a last ditch effort to switch gears.

The pinched nerve in my back reared it’s head

Hoping to derail the oncoming storm.

This year was different!

The anniversary of your death, Dear Sis,

Felt like a fuzzy blanket

Wrapped tight about.

The ache of your absence still strong

Yet ever stronger the feeling of your presence.

Within a handful of days

Wishing Mom and Dad “Happy Anniversary”!

Then the greatest news from U of O Law School,

The first Carrie Murray Memorial Scholarship has been awarded!

Wave after wave of emotions…


Your birthday is just around the corner…

I see those brilliant blue eyes

Filled with a true zest and love of life.

Memories will continue to flood our minds

Strengthening our resolve

To celebrate your life and memory.

You are watching from above

Your touch felt by ray of sun or touch of breeze.

Love you, forever and always, CareBear.


As my body calms from the latest Fibro Flare with additional infections that I am prone to have, I am riding an emotional roller coaster.

I know that I am not alone…

We arise each day to slight differences in our symptoms. Our hidden illnesses and conditions exacerbate our pollen/tree/etc. allergies, or rather overly sensitivity to said allergies.  The beauty of Spring comes full during May…flowers, trees with blossoms, bees buzzing, birds chirping…

I am hit with emotions…

April is coming to a close…May is on the horizon.

I used to find myself reminded of the short rhyme — “April showers bring May flowers”…this is especially true of the Pacific Northwest.  I look out the window to see the snow loosing its grip on the mountain and see the many buds on the trees outside.  Yes, May is approaching quickly…too quickly…

This roller coaster of emotions is not new…it has changed over time…it will continue to impact in different ways.

I am not alone in feeling this sense of loss…raw emotion…tears welling…memories are stirred…

I do not want to be reminded…

I could feel your presence yesterday afternoon…I was given the greatest relief of my stresses/worries. I was powerfully overwhelmed by the greatest peace. I had to smile! I could hear my sister’s voice… “You are such a Dork!  Remember that you handed the keys to God. Now step back and listen.”

You always knew what to say…accented of course by the eye roll…or the slight throw back of the head…

We will relive those emotions associated with our loss and Heaven’s gain…

We will each celebrate the memory of your life…my dearest sister, Carrie Murray…while we embrace those close to us.

Love you, forever and always, Sis!


It is present

It is on the fringe…

New symptoms

Rear their head…

Isolated and alone

We pray to our Heavenly Father…

Our body

Becomes a prison…

Trembling and tingling

Unsteadiness abound…

At that time

Fear grows…

Reading scripture

Quiet whispered prayers…

Looking out the window

The distraction of falling leaves…

For a moment

The world is still…

Then thoughts swirl

Eyes cannot focus…

There is a quiet calm

Fear has receded…

The symptoms still strong

Courage now a soft blanket…

Out of the Blue

It strikes without cause

No trigger is known

Yet the tears fall…

The feeling of emptiness 

Of inconsolable loss

No reason…no rhyme…

Overwhelming feelings

Yearnings…missing you…

Desperately trying to fathom

Why this now? 

So random…unable to control

The tears flow…

Is this part of healing?

Of surviving in a world

Void of your physical presence?

The need to hear your voice

To feel your embrace

To hear your laugh…

This path of sorrow

Is steep and treacherous

Wrought with falling rocks

And deep holes…

Navigating is not easy

A challenge for sure

With sorrowful eyes

Prayers raised to Heaven

Seeking comfort

And guidance…

Regarding Functional Medicine

I had originally hoped that Functional Medicine would be an option….that it might provide, not necessarily answers, but some help in reigning in my plethora of symptoms.

Since moving to SE Idaho, I have had the pleasure of making friends with others that are struggling with Fibromyalgia/Chronic Pain Disorder/RA/Lupus/etc. It has been a blessing to have those physical contacts…to be able to exchange experiences…discuss medications, doctors, specialists…

Through these connections I found others that have been to the Functional Medicine Specialist in our area. What I learned from them was disappointing! Each one came away discouraged…the tests done showed nothing…each was told “fix your gut and you will be fine”…and told to take a supplement only available through his office (a supplement that is both expensive and not covered by insurance).

I then reviewed, again, all aspects of the 5-6 hour appointment would cover. The initial visit would include time with the doctor, a psychologist, a nutritionist…

My husband and I both agreed….it would be a waste of money and time. I have all ready met with a nutritionist (thus my Low FODMAP diet)…I have met with a psychiatrist (who said I am doing all the right things…nothing more she could really offer)…I know from the very best GI Specialists/Surgeons that my “gut” has never been normal — has never functioned properly.

I truly hope that others that might be considering Functional Medicine will have a better experience than those within my sphere.

My Dear Sis

Yes…it has been a year since you have been taken from us…to be delivered to our Heavenly Father!

Yet…all still seems strange…

The wind blows

The seasons have

Come and gone…

I need YOU today

Your voice and input…

Wise counsel

Always presented…

Not only to me

But to many…

Confidants are hard to find

Those true that will uphold

ALL secrets….

Every day we miss you

Your presence

Your influence…

I love you

I miss you

My precious Sis!


Rise Above

Living in constant, chronic pain

Requires all effort and energy

To get out of bed

To dress and ready for the day

…..to Rise Above the Pain

No plans made

The only thought

To manage…to make it through

To distract or shift focus

…..to Rise Above the Pain

Force myself to rest

To take time to stretch

To shift and shuffle step

From the back to chair

…..to Rise Above the Pain

The beauty of the day

Surrounds and uplifts

The gentle movement of air

From the fan

…..to Rise Above the Pain

The bright ray of sun

Coming through the window

Casting its rays

Across the room

…..to Rise Above the Pain

Bouncing across the floor

Racing toward the wall

Reflecting towards the ceiling

Filling the room with light

…..to Rise Above the Pain

The heart is lifted

The body revolts

The coursing pain

Attempts to overwhelm

…..to Rise Above the Pain

Prayers are answered

A warmth within

An inner strength provided

The welcome assist

…..to Rise Above the Pain

The “Shocking” Side of Fibro

Now home after being gone for about one and a half weeks to visit family in Oregon….my body is very riled up (as expected)…

I had made the decision to take advantage of an opportunity to go to Oregon to visit family. Those with Fibromyalgia/Polyarthralgia/Chronic Pain Disorder/Etc. will attest….this was NOT to be taken lightly!  It was a decision that would absolutely increase my all ready out of control symptoms.

Yet…I know that I cannot miss out on such a valuable opportunity!  An opportunity to enjoy time with family….to have our son enjoy time with cousins…

It is important to make these tough decisions….resting beforehand as much as possible….and resting as best as possible while on the trip….

The hardest part is remembering to be extra patient once back home!  Whether you are like me with a body that is still out of control, or fortunate enough to have symptoms well managed, more than likely you will deal with a flare once home!

I have no idea how long my flare will last….will it be one week…two weeks….longer?  Only time will tell….

I do know that the entire ordeal was worth it!  Cannot live completely isolated in the house until my doctors and I can finally come up with something that will help to at least take the edge off the constant pain!

For now, I get to enjoy those fabulous “electric shock sensations”!  You know the ones that:

• Feel like an electric shock traveling through one’s body, sometimes accompanied by a “falling sensation”;

• Feel like pins and needles but more painful, alarming and pulsating;

• Jerks the joints of arms, legs, fingers and toes;

• Can come on at any time and is like a flash of light followed by electric shock tingling;

• Feel like “creepy crawlies” or ants crawling under one’s skin and causes the skin to tighten and jerk; and/or

• Feeling of twitching scalp along with facial twitching of mouth, eyes, and eyebrows.



So glad that we were able to see your beautiful headstone Sis!

I as apprehensive and anxious…first visit since your graveside service…

Such peace…

Your nephew picked out the most colorful flowers for you! 

The bright colors…reflective of your life…so vibrant!

My heart was at peace…

For only your shell is in the ground…

Your strength, your boundless spirit…

YOU are in Heaven…

Watching and praying for us!

Love you…my precious!!

Thoughts of You…On Your Birthday


I had to use this again!  The perfect image as we each celebrate and remember you on this, Your Birthday!!


11202828_852369534837204_2273386835568988339_o I am reminded of your 30th birthday!  You were SO nervous because I was in charge of the cake! LOL

To your relief, we celebrated with a CareBear cake!  I could think of no other way to help mark such a great event then to play with our nickname for you…along with your favorite CareBears!  LOL

Your nephew and niece treasured the little CareBear figurines that you gave them after blowing out your candles!

Such precious memories!  A moment frozen in time…..

Each of us holds so many beautiful, precious moments!  We continue to laugh…to share…to cry…to uphold each other…..

We are finding strength by sharing….by retelling stories….by looking at pictures….by making sure that we continue to be a part of each others lives….

You have forever joined so many….from different backgrounds….

We continue to feel shock and emptiness….yet also…a sense of peace….that only God can provide…

This is a first for us….your birthday….without you….

This is a painful first…no easy way to say it….IT SUCKS!!!

We will get through this….we will grow….we will become closer….as we draw upon each other’s strength….

And…each of us will be thinking of you….celebrating you….my Dearest Sister, Carrie, in their own way…

Love you….forever…and always!

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