Embracing life with chronic pain.

Posts tagged ‘death of youngest sibling’

As The “Big” Sis

I can only write and truly understand my position…as the eldest…in this case…the “Big” sister…

At first, I was hesitant and worried about a Baby Sis…having two younger brothers and being the only girl did have its advantages!  LOL

Yet…when the day came…I truly…secretly hoped for a Baby Sis….the hope of having someone to confide in…to be a best friend…to share with…to have that special bond with…

God, in his perfect wisdom, blessed me with you!  My precious and most dear Baby Sis!

I am blessed to have your “twin” step up and claim me in your absence!  Yes!  Can you believe that?!?!?!

I had many hopes and dreams for myself….you and I know that I did not reach them…I was able to achieve other dreams instead….

More importantly, were all the hopes and dreams that I had for you!  The dreams of a life without the painful lessons that I had to learn….without the heartache….without the pain of never measuring up to your full potential…

My utmost dream for you was to have the opportunity to be loved for who you are…to be fully and completely loved for you…..to have you achieve your dreams….

I was so proud of how you were able to attend Johns Hopkins University! You excelled and had amazing experiences there! You were even offered a position to remain…and you remained steadfast in your decision to return to Oregon.

You struggled and were able to find a great position with Roseburg Forest Products….you excelled!  You were able to purchase your first home….you showed me up in every way!  LOL  You could paint….you could cut a straight line…you showed that you were SO multi-skilled!!!

I was SO proud of you!  I know now that I did not express to you how proud I truly was!  Yet…I know you understood….you felt it….

I also knew that you held a secret….something very close to your heart….

I know you were not wanting to reveal…yet…finally…you did….

You knew that I was protective….that I wanted only the best for you….so you tried to hide some things….yet…I could see….

I just wish you could have seen all of your dreams to fruition!

Yet…I know that you did….you lived life to the fullest….you followed your own path….you shared strength with others….you were such a good friend to so many….

I who have had few friends….and am not good with people….you…who had many friends…and was SO good with others!!!!

My only wish now…..other than having you back in a physical form…is to…somehow be able to connect with others as you!!!

I miss you…SO much!

Love you….forever…and always!!!

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The Loss of the Youngest Sibling

As we are quickly approaching the first anniversary of my sister’s death, the words kindly spoken to me by a gentleman that also lost his youngest sibling are bringing an entire new set of emotions and thoughts.  He also is the oldest, and he made a simple statement….it is hard on everyone when we lose a brother/sister, however, as the oldest it will hit you the hardest.

I thanked him and took his words to heart…not fully comprehending….knowing that my brothers were and are struggling their way through this as well.  I have read books and researched….my brothers and I have shared information….each understanding that our paths of grief are similar yet different.

The past few nights have brought strange dreams….dreams that take me back to the initial reaction and emotions upon first hearing of my baby sister’s death….that overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to be her protector….quickly followed by the need to go to the hospital to see her boyfriend…to support him…and to see her knowing that I needed to give her hugs and kisses (even though that would be seeing her in the morgue)…then to do everything I could to support and help our parents and my brothers, their wives and our niece…as well as our son…

I find myself again feeling that I must rise to protect my family….her boyfriend…her closest friends….to somehow channel their grief….I can feel it beginning to rise….the rapid approach of May is surely the cause…

I am beginning to comprehend that comment more…it is hard on everyone when we lose a brother/sister, however, as the oldest it will hit you the hardest….as the oldest I want to protect everyone!  I don’t want to see anyone hurting and struggling….even though each of us must go through this journey…..

My prayer is that each of us will continue to find strength in each other…in our Faith…and in knowing that our precious Carrie is watching and praying for us all….each in a unique way….as only SHE can….IMG_3265

(Yes…borrowed from a post from one her very close friends!!)

 

Loss and Chronic Pain

Dealing with chronic pain is difficult…..dealing with the loss of someone so close is hard…..

It is hard to find words to describe the quagmire that I am in now. I I have pushed through….and been living with chronic illness and chronic pain for so long!

My Sis, Carrie, was such a huge support! She was always there for me! She was always my rock!

My chronic pain disorder, polyarthralgia and fibromyalgia are still providing huge challenges….as previously stated….no one I have seen yet can offer any true options……

I do not expect answers…..I have had TOO many situations in which I have been the “unique”….the “one in a million” case….or as my Sis would say…..”you are SO special”!!!!

I just hope to have some semblance of “normalcy” or control….just enough to have the opportunity to walk with my husband and son…..

I do NOT expect to be able to run again (although I am not willing to give up that dream)!

Yet…I am wrestling with the pain…the gut wrenching loss of no long having my Baby Sis……being the one that was supposed to always be there and protect her…..

The twisted paths we weave! My Sis was enjoying the best part of her life! She was happy and making a difference! She touched MORE lives than most! Of that I am SO proud!!!

I guess I am just trying to say…that LIFE is HARD! God opens doors…and provides paths for us to walk…..it is then up to us to go through those doors and to walk…..to persevere….to NOT lose our faith! It is our unique challenge to move forward….to keep taking one step after another….

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