Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘depression’

The Dark Side of Pain

The side of chronic pain that is difficult to talk about…to me it is also the hardest to admit! It is the darkness that is lurking at the corner of my mind…forever watching and waiting for the chance to pounce…to take over.

It wants to rob us of our relationships…our confidence…our strength…our fadark_street_195913ith…

This dark shadow that we sometimes view in the mirror looking back at us can have many names…depression, despair, failure, guilt.

It is that dark negativity that threatens to suck the very life out of us…to disrupt any hope of regaining a sense of normalcy…to destroy our relationships.

It happens to each of us…whether we want to admit it or not. It will attack over and over…always at a time that we are mentally weak.  Those times when we are in the midst of a flare…when we have not been sleeping…when brain fog is at its thickest…when are finances are stretched to the limit…when our closest relationships are tested, tried and hanging by a thread…

Inevitably it will overwhelm us…it will muddle our thinking…it will suck us down into the darkest depths…it will overtake who we are…

Do NOT allow these times to dictate who you are!  We are human…we are going to spend time in the dark…however, this is only temporary. It will NOT last! It does not mean that we have lost our faith…that we have given up the fight…that our closest relationships are forever broken…

It is at this time that we hit bottom…we cry out in the depths of our despair…begging God to help…to have mercy…to forgive us…to strengthen us…

We then rise to the surface from the depths of the darkness…to once again find our inner strength…to embrace those close relationships…to acknowledge and accept our new selves…

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Renewal

A new year approaches

Hopes and opportunities abound…

As the current year comes to an end

We look back at the many twists and turns…

The struggles that have made us stronger

The events that have brought us closer…

What will the new year bring?

No one knows for sure…

Yet our hearts are filled with hope

With light hearts and open eyes…

We embrace the start

Of a year not yet written…

It is a renewal of sorts

To take place on another stage…

The paths that will open before us

The mountains we will climb…

The challenges that await us

Along with the joys and laughter…

Our illnesses and conditions

Will continue to be with us…

As we continue our battle

Our eyes more alert, our resolve strengthened…

Let us take advantage of this new year

To choose to be positive…

To resolve to appreciate those dear to us

To take every opportunity to say “Thank You…

To embrace our loved ones and friends

To say “I love you” with sincerity…

To refrain from anger

Instead breath deeply and count to ten…

To really listen to what is being said

Rather than thinking of what we will say…

To pray with our entire being

Instead of uttering memorized words…

To share smiles and laughter

To not allow pain to be our master…

To be thankful for our life

To embrace each door opened by Heavenly Father…

Knowing that He is with us

Every step of our journey…

Remembering the scripture, Isaiah 40:31 KJV:

“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

We may not be able to walk far

We may be confined to our bed…

We may find ourselves fatigued

Unable to keep our eyes open…

Know that our spirit is renewed

Granted strength from Heavenly Father…

We can pray for those around us

We can lose ourself in reading the scriptures…

We can remember the trials of Job

And know that we are never alone…

So as this new year approaches

Let us each take pause…

 

To awake each day

With a thankful heart…

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Our Best…

We all strive to do our best…to put our best face forward…to project an image of strength…yet, inevitably, we will have those low points. I like to visualize these as “bumps” in the road…

A few days ago, I was dealing with one of those low points. The overwhelming pain, fighting with insurance for the much needed medication change, dealing with my advocate regarding the Social Security Disability….not to mention the financial pressure…add in an even more severe headache than “usual”…and it did drag me down!

At times it just feels that I have no control over anything anymore!  Yet…this is NOT true!  I ALWAYS have control over my attitude…how I am going to view the world around me. Believe me…this was not a quick turn around…it took nearly half a day for me to be able to refocus my mind.

As difficult as it can be to maintain a positive attitude, I find myself blessed whenever I do choose that positive road rather than the negative road.  No…it does not make the pain or symptoms go away…it does not diminish them…what it does is even more important…it strengthens my mental resolve!  It helps to recharge my desire to view my life as a glass that is half full!

Our lives are further complicated due to our combinations of conditions/illnesses…however, those same conditions/illnesses do not have to dictate how we view ourselves or the world around us.

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Darkness

From seemingly nowhere

The long dark tentacles

Reach out to encircle…

The ever growing darkness

Threatens to completely envelope

To block out any light…

With gnarled fingers

It scrapes its way

To cover all within sight…

It brings its partners

Despair and depression

To further set its trap…

It yearns to take hope

To strip away peace

To destroy our Faith…

As with the darkest night

It can be fought

With a thin frail light…

A simple small flame

As that dancing on a candle

Can pierce its grasp…

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Waves of Depression 

It is inevitable as we struggle along,

The path of pain is long and coursing.

We are often tossed to and fro

The massive waves of depression 

Ever threatening to overtake and drown.

Understand that this is normal,

It does not make us bad,

Nor does it have to overcome us.

Our Heavenly Father is a beacon

The light to which we focus.

Just as darkness can threaten

The glimmer even as a soft flame

Ignites our inner strength and hope.

Others are sent to intersect

To offer friendship and consolation

Yet another sign to show we are not alone.

To take in every sight and sound,

To breath in the scent of rain on the wind,

To embrace every opportunity given,

To offer assistance to others

Never paying heed to our feebleness.

The waves will come, again and again,

Without warning…completely unexpected.

Turn your eyes to the light,

Do not worry about how weak,

The brightness grows as you focus

While being cast about.

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Feelings of Failure

It is one of those days!  A conflict with my hubby has sent me spiraling….feelings of complete failure as a wife and mother have overtaken me…..

Overly sensitive?  Yes….because my body is overwhelmed…..I am all ready mentally on edge with so much energy being used to attempt (unsuccessfully) to ignore the pain and spams that have been wracking my body.

I know that EVERYONE who is or has dealt with chronic pain or chronic illness understands this…..the slightest hiccup can have an enormous effect!!  We then grapple with ourselves internally……utilizing the last bit of energy we can muster…..to get our “minds” back on track!

Afterall….I know that I am a good wife and mother!  I just do not “feel” that I am at this moment….or rather this morning…..it will pass….

This is part of that negative self talk that I had vowed I would NOT do!  LOL  See???  It is the course of life…..just as with our conditions……each day is wrought with challenges……

More challenges than those without a chronic condition could ever imagine……

It is times like this that I MISS my Sis….SO MUCH!  I could turn these feelings around so quickly just by calling her or texting with her to find out about her day….or her and her boyfriend’s latest outing……the perfect distraction to “derail” my internal struggle….

I know the feeling will pass…..I will get through this…..all will be well…..

Now….I am exhausted….the emotions involved in writing this…..use the last of my energy……time to curl up on the couch for a much needed nap!

I know then I will awake refreshed (at least a bit recharged mentally)!  I will once again regain the strength to continue my health battle….

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