Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘feelings’

A Golden Hue

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As I lie in bed

A soft glow comes from the ceiling

It resembled an oak tree near a building…

The building shimmered as the golden light

Glinted off the bronzed and gold accents

Ricochetting casting the light into the tree…

The leaves accented with this soft light

Every detail striking as if in full 3D

The branches a deep gold color…

The texture of the bark

The drizzle of light coming off the leaves

I find myself reaching up…just wanting to touch…

The image fades

My mind is left to reflect

The golden hues shared with me this morning….

Life Changes with Fibro

The most difficult challenge with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, Neuralgia and the many other hidden conditions/illnesses that plague us, is the reality of how our lives change.

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Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

As I have written in the past, we do go through a mourning process….just like when a loved one dies.  It was very helpful for me to review the 7 Steps of Grief…not that it makes it easier…it reinforced the fact that I was not “going crazy”.

I was SO unprepared for the realities that would come with my Fibro and other conditions.  My Faith, family, friends, and medical team have been lifelines as I have traveled along this narrow and twisted path.

  • Loss of Job — I could no longer physically or mentally function in a productive manner.  (I have learned to take advantage of those moments when the “brain fog” lifts ever so slightly.)
  • Pursuing Disability — This turned out to be very long, challenging, and stressful.  In my case with Fibromyalgia and Neuralgia (without a known cause), it took over 30 months.
  • Financial Implications — Such a long wait for Disability drained our reserves, and forced more dependence upon credit. Slowly and steadily we are turning the tide.
  • Divorce — The reality of the rift that had developed. My son and I are on our own. This transition to being a single parent has been rough.
  • Driving Assistance — I am so thankful for the friends I have who take joy in driving me to my injections when needed.  So glad that these tend to be about 3-4 month intervals!

 

“Baby Steps”

My Pain Specialist keeps telling me “baby steps”.  I must focus on each day alone…allowing my body to set the pace.  Having a goal (i.e. 4 laps of the house) is good…yet must taper with where body actually is (i.e. 2 laps of house a day).

zcXeXAxgiRemember, each activity that is performed during the day…each one is exercise. These include getting dressed, fixing breakfast, cleaning dishes or just prepping them for dishwasher, feeding dogs, brushing teeth, washing face, shower (when enough strength), letting dogs out, walking lap of house, laundry (non shower days), heating lunch, prepping/making dinner…

Balanced with the necessary breaks — sitting in chair with ice, using ball for feet, laying on the couch, prayer time, reading, watching TV, computer time…

adult affection baby casual

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

God placed the perfect image into my mind!  I was taking my first steps…true “baby steps”…my little hands grasping large, strong hands.  My steps erratic and unsure…just driven by instinct to push through.

“Baby steps” are just that! The small steps taken by toddlers not slow paced adult steps! This insight has provided such a sense of calm, as I am further reassured that Heavenly Father is with me, assisting with my chronic health battles.

I azcXeXAxgim no longer viewing my activity level and where I am currently based upon “normal” perspective.  I am not recovering from an injury.  I have permanent health conditions that severely impact my quality of life.

Viewing my situation with this “new normal” in mind has truly lightened my load!

 

“Squirrel” Brain

This title makes me smile

As I attempt to relay my reality.

Complex sentences, vibrant words

I can see and feel…yet not express.

Words jumbled and sentences started

To be left hanging as I slowly shake my head.

Fibromyalgia and many of its “companions”

Overload my brain causing words to collide.

I pray for grace and strength

As I struggle to remain calm.

Images of “how it used to be”

Flashing in my mind’s eye like lightning.

Simple conversation and odd pauses

Exasperated by stress…good or bad.

Typing helps bridge this divide

As words appear on screen…

At the onset I had given myself permission

To write as if there were no grammatical rules.

My mind goes to our son when a Tiger Scout

An active mind so easily distracted…

Another mother summed it up — “Squirrel”

Attention span gone, the hunt is on.

Flighty and crafty, darting about

On the search for one of its stashes.

I smile when our teenager gently corrects

Better yet when he supplies the word I am unable to find.

Chronic illnesses/conditions force reform

Reminded of how we are but clay in the Potter’s hand.

Let go the frustration

Dive deeper into prayer…

Handing over the reigns

Trusting with our heart.

Deep breath taken

And laugh at the squirrel.

Storms, Fibro & Chronic Pain

Those of us living with Fibromyalgia and its chronic pain (or chronic pain from other conditions) often find ourselves ravaged by a storm…literally! Scientists can argue that there is no relation…that it is not possible. Yet we know there is a link.

Our bodies shut down with no warning. Struck in the gut with a baseball bat. Then the pounding truly begins…every joint stabbing…headache is piercing. Every ounce of energy invoked to attempt movement…feet act as though they are trapped in the thickest mud…legs groan at the beleaguered motion.

Tears well in my eyes. I can barely manage a weak good night as I muster all effort into shuffling back to my bed. Past experience has taught me to not fight this demon. It is best to lie down…propped with pillows to provide as much relief as possible.

This will pass. I am hopeful for the morning as the worst of this storm will be over. My body will be exhausted and require additional rest.

This is a vicious cycle that so many of us live with…as we continue to battle our conditions and symptoms.

A “New” Tomorrow

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As the sun sets

Majestic colors blanket the sky

The clouds seemingly ablaze

Before giving way to darkness…

So goes my battle with chronic conditions

The intense battle of the past several years

Is giving way to renewed hope

The darkness of unimaginable pain

Has lost its heavy grasp…

So goes my battle with chronic pain

The heartfelt prayers of others

In tandem with my own

Clearly demonstrate God’s hand

As I find myself filled with great anticipation…

So goes my battle with life changing illness

The precious gift of understanding

Provided by my medical team

Peace is granted in knowing

There are no answers…

So goes my battle with unknown conditions

The complexity of ailments

Magnified by extremely, overly sensitive systems

Prevent the use of most medications

The few options have been skillfully used…

So goes my battle with controlling symptoms

Addressing conditions that could be calmed

Along with carefully choreographed days

Fan the flame of hope restored

To embrace my “new” altered self…

So goes my battle with my new reality

 

 

 

 

Struggle

The frustration is real even though progress is occurring. Sounds like a conundrum doesn’t it?

Injections for Sciatica have provided some limited relief…unveiling that I am also dealing with Sacroiliac involving my right leg. And, these new diagnoses have aggravated my Shingles…which also targets my right leg.

Needless to say my usual “companions” are quick to throw in their two cents…like I need to be reminded of my Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Spastic Colon, Pelvic Floor Syndrome, IBS and other conditions.

I have more to learn about the issues in my stomach that are leading to bloating and cramping (which are very scary with a colostomy); and, its interaction with my other conditions. Another diagnosis that will provide more information on how my body is “malfunctioning”.

It is frustrating to be home bound…yet, we are making progress in uncovering other conditions that have been masked by the overwhelming symptoms of Fibromyalgia and Polyarthralgia. (Thanks to my pain pump!)

It is discouraging to know that any time I leave the house it will result in a Flare. To be honest, just getting out of bed wrong can do the same!

The struggle continues…

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