Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘God’

A Glimpse of the Unseen

Chronic illness and pain often leaves us feeling like we are driving a hazardous road in the blackest of nights in blinding snow.

I hear the tumultuous waves crashing nearby. My knuckles are white as I clinch the steering wheel ever tighter.

My body is overwhelmed, yet again, with increased stabbing pain and extremely overly sensitive skin…I am counting hours to my appointment tomorrow. A much needed refill to my pain pump and discussion of my latest MRI.

In the early morning hours, as I laid in bed feeling the pain ramping up, I prayed for a touch of relief…tears could not help but fall. I was granted a little more than an hour’s fitful sleep during which I was given an awesome dream.

I dreamt that I was clinging as tightly as I could to a rock as a storm raged around me…pounding pain, large hail stones striking exposed skin, winds whipping and tearing around me…every pore seemed to be screaming as the pain within was rising to the symphony around me. Then I opened my eyes to see that I was clinging to Jesus, his back taking the brunt of the forces.

I awoke with a renewed sense of hope…looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment…knowing that I am truly not alone…that my prayers are being heard.

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Laser Focus

Beware of the steady focus on pain alone

For pain is not the only symptom we battle

Yet pain’s voice can be the loudest

Blaring over all others…

Or worse yet, swallowing them into itself

The headache, the abdominal cramps, the stabbing in the feet

Forced to feed into the great voice called Pain…

Those with softer voices yet carrying horrifying weapons of their own

Like bloating, muscle spasms, brain fog, blurry vision, burning sensations

Are carried away on pain’s current, and its need to be in the forefront…

We must remember each one of our conditions

For each one carries its own set of symptoms

Oftentimes overlapping thus covering up the condition responsible…

This masking and blurring, often made worse by our medications

Further weakens the voices the need to be heard and understood

To better assist us in dealing with what condition is truly at the front…

While remembering that each day, each moment

We have no control…none whatsoever…except how we deal with the voices

Attempting to listen harder so that we might better strike at the source…

Irritable

The definition and synonyms per Dictionary.com are presented as follows:
ir·ri·ta·ble
adjective

having or showing a tendency to be easily annoyed or made angry.

“she was tired and irritable”
synonyms: bad-tempered, short-tempered, irascible, tetchy, testy, touchy, grumpy, grouchy, moody, crotchety, in a (bad) mood, cantankerous, bilious, curmudgeonly, ill-tempered, annoyed, cross, ill-humored, peevish, fractious, pettish, crabby, bitchy, waspish, prickly, splenetic, dyspeptic, choleric; More

  • MEDICINE
    (of a bodily part or organ) abnormally sensitive.
  • MEDICINE
    (of a condition) caused by abnormal sensitivity.

I have been praying and reading scripture while wrestling with this beast.  Many questions have come to mind:

  • Is this a “new to me” Fibro Flare symptom?
  • Is this the result of the intense stress of fighting for SS Disability (26 months to finally receive a “Favorable” decision)?
  • Is it the result of being overwhelmed emotionally due to the “Favorable” decision?
  • Is it a side effect of medication?
  • Is it the after effect of changing medication?
  • Is it the result of being home bound?
  • Is it the result of frustration that the simple act of riding in a vehicle for any amount of time triggers a Fibro Flare?
  • Is it from not getting enough sleep?

The questions could go on and on to other tangents as well. My attention span is close to nonexistent. I would liken it….to a young child…distractions are everywhere! The sights and sounds derail me all too easily.

All that is certain is that irritability is a foe!

 

Conversation with Self on Fibro Brain

“Deodorant in second drawer…”

Absently looking into the mirror…

“Mmm…”

I slowly turn to leave the bathroom.

“Deodorant in second drawer…”

“Oh yes! I must brush my teeth!”

I turn back around

The early morning light

Cascading through the window.

I shuffle out the door…

“Oh yes! Must brush my teeth!”

I find myself in the bathroom again

My eyes happen upon the toothbrush

Hanging quietly, waiting…

“Oh man!”

Chills hit my body

Drawn to my reflection, again,

I forgot to put on my sweater!

I carefully navigate to the closet.

A glance around the bedroom

I smile as I move toward the bed

Reaching down to collect my soft fleece.

My mind is screaming,

“What did I need to do?”

A long, heavy sigh

I carefully put on the fleece

And begin my slow methodic walk

To my comfy recliner.

I stop part way down the hall,

Slowly shake my head

Another heavy sigh

As I continue to my recliner.

My body falls into the chair,

Feet up with body stabbing and throbbing

I pull the blanket over me;

Waiting for the worst of the pain

To ease enough to rest my aching body.

I find myself as if frozen in time,

“Oh man!! I forgot to put on deodorant!”

Blessings

I had the pleasure of having visitors yesterday.  Being primarily homebound, it truly brightens my day!  It provides contact when we are on the sidelines…it is a blessing to be taken out of the day-to-day normal.

During our conversation we talked about how school was going for our kids, they shared their struggles as families to adjust to the new schedules which now include sports activities, practice, homework.  Observing their dedication as wives and mothers, I was struck by a powerful thought…”Do they realize how blessed they are?”

I sat listening…mesmerized by thoughts of going to a HS Football game, driving kids to various activities, preparing family meals. It was like a movie playing out those words as images flew past…again the powerful thought…”Do they realize how blessed they are?”

My brain has been so very thick with brain fog or Fibro Fog that it is next to impossible to put words to my thoughts. It has been a huge challenge to speak…but I could not ignore the seed that had been planted.

I am compelled to share some of these blessings:

  • Having more than one child.  (Do not take this wrong…being a parent of an only child is a huge blessing also!)
  • Driving your children to activities. (It is truly amazing to be able to get into your car and go! No day before and day of resting and naps to have enough stamina…not to mention the required ability to focus.)
  • Preparing family meals. (This act takes SO much energy…only the simplest of meals is made in our household…and that is after hours of rest.)
  • Attending after school activities like a HS Football game. (This is a dream…to be able  to drive to the game…to walk to the bleachers…to sit and cheer.)

What can appear to us as routine, mundane or hectic is often a blessing in disguise. It can take losing one’s health to fully realize the every day blessings that surround us.

The Example of Job

A summary of the story of Job from SparkNotes: Bible: The Old Testament: Job reads as follows:

“He is “blameless” and “upright,” always careful to avoid doing evil (Job 1:1). One day, Satan (“the Adversary”) appears before God in heaven. God boasts to Satan about Job’s goodness, but Satan argues that Job is only good because God has blessed him abundantly. Satan challenges God that, if given permission to punish the man, Job will turn and curse God. God allows Satan to torment Job to test this bold claim, but he forbids Satan to take Job’s life in the process.”

sparknotes.com/…ldtestament/character/god

I am sure this summary brings back memories of Sunday School, sermons, church camp and/or youth group. It may raise questions in your mind that were or were not answered. It may still have that element of surrealism, confusion or doubt that was initially in our mind. After all, this is a story of a man…a normal man just like you and me…being held up as a challenge to God by Satan.

Having been primarily homebound for just over two years due to my chronic health conditions, I have had a lot of time to pray, to surf the web, to read (when Fibro Fog is not  too thick), to watch TV… Distraction has been a powerful tool to assist with my daily struggles.

I have found that my perspective of God, Satan, and Job have changed during the many years of chronic pain and the plethora of symptoms that come with Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, Neuralgia, and the like. This change of perspective  has come about because of the deepening of my Faith, of the miraculous events I have witnessed, and just the overall increase in knowledge that the journey of life has provided.

My thoughts of Job have changed from wondering how a good God allows evil and human suffering to exist or why God is so concerned with humanity while appearing to focus on our faults and punishing us to focusing more on the relationships that are in play.

Reading the story of Job with this adjustment to my mindset finds me awed by the friendship that Job had with God. Think of it! God was confident in the relationship that He had with Job!  Job was faithful in worshipping God, he prayed to God, he spoke to God — sharing his thoughts, fears, frustrations, joys, and disappointments.

Entering a New Reality

I was right when I thought this would be the hardest step in my new reality. I am referring to coming off of Cymbalta as part of clearing my body and having the pain pump take over.

We are very close to having the pump dialed in; this next adjustment may be the last one needed. I know the conversation with my pain specialist will be an interesting one as we discuss how my body is reacting.

Now for the truth of the reality of coming off of Cymbalta. I have described this as the most difficult step…at least I had anticipated it to be. Know that words cannot describe the intensity of the symptoms. The intensity of the brain fog is greatly amplified as well making thought and speech a huge frustration!  It is so hard to focus to interact with others…the wrong words are constantly used…don’t even think about driving.

Just a handful of the symptoms that have been exaggerated by the process: Brain Fog, burning, electric shocks, numbness, difficulty walking (legs do not obey), falling (or near-falling), nausea, abdominal cramping, IBS-D flaring, throbbing pains all over, stabbing sensations all over, tinnitus, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, irritability, skin sensitivity to touch…

I have found that normal distractions or other tactics we use to help ignore symptoms do not work. It is truly a day-to-day battle to not lose my sanity! Even with all the questions we had asked and the additional research done on-line, I was truly not prepared for the amount of energy this process would take.

I am praying throughout the day and night for help make it through this step. There is light at the end of this I know. It will be such a relief in the months ahead having this medication cleared out of my body!

Thankfully today I have a break from the electric shocks and nausea…the balance of my symptoms are doing their best to make up for those that are not present!

Just remember, if you are considering coming off a medication like Cymbalta, take the time to research, to speak with your medical team, to share information with your spouse and children…then buckle up for a hellacious ride!

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