Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘grief’

The Path of Grief

IMG_3181 Looking through photos as I sit in my chair….

This picture was taken the last time I saw my Sis….the last time that I was able to give her a HUGE hug!  The day that she was SO excited about her new motorcycle helmet!  She even let me hold it!

She and her boyfriend came over to see us while our son was participating in a Youth Day put on at the Gun Club in Myrtle Point, OR.  (It was a surprise for him!  And a great opportunity to visit with my Mother-in-law!)

She was full of smiles!  Loving life and SO happy!  It was the happiest that I had ever seen her!  And I knew that it was “love”….you could see it written all over her!  I was so excited for her!

My Sis always took time for her nephews and niece!  She was ALWAYS there for them….she doted on them!  She was always there for their special days…..birthdays, baptisms, confirmations!

It is crazy to view these pics….to think back….to feel the sunshine of that day…..

(This was the day before she was taken from us all!!!)

True Thoughts of Loss

What are the “True Thoughts of Loss”?  Really???  It TOTALLY SUCKS!

Truly!  The loss of someone so close….especially in such a sudden tragic way is VERY hard…..

Even with Faith…with belief in a higher power….realizing that God IS God….

It is STILL difficult!  It is just Faith that helps….it gives the strength to know that there IS some greater good…..a good that is BIGGER than we are….that is outside of us….that we cannot see….

We cannot see this BIGGER good because we are TOO close!  We are TOO close to the origin!

I guess that is the TRUE secret!

The knowledge and the true HOPE that our BELOVED has somehow bridged the gap…has SOMEHOW impacted lives in such a way….that even in his/her death….the result is a GREATER impact on ALL those around him/her!

In my case….I have had the TRUE pleasure….the TRUE blessing….of seeing FIRST HAND the HUGE impact that my Sister had on the lives on those around her!

My Sis….is a TRUE living testament to a LIVING…BREATHING…God…..

Thank you Lord for holding my Sis Close!!!

Thinking of You, Sis!

Version 2  This is such a fun picture of my Baby Sis and I!  She had the most brilliant blue eyes and quick smile!  I am so glad that our son has those brilliant blue eyes!

I am reminded of all the phone calls….the texts…..the visits!  So many wonderful memories!

Miss you Sis!  Love you forever!  I know that you are watching over us!

Patience!

One of the most important things for those of us with chronic pain/illness, is to remember “Patience”!  Yes….I know….often easier said than done!

We must have patience with ourselves….with the health battle we are fighting….we must have patience for those around us….since our mental and emotional energy is usually maxed out due to our own internal struggle of dealing with just managing (or rather…negotiating) our day!

A great example for me was this morning!  I had a powerful idea to write about….something I knew would help me as well as others to get out….to express……yet…..as soon as I got home….I could not remember!  To have such a strong pull to write on a specific topic….have no way to make a note so that I could refer to it…..to intentionally repeat it to myself….a number of times…..then promptly forget as soon as I got home!

Well….at this point….I just had to smile…..and shrug!  After all……it would do no good to get frustrated or angry…..I know that if I cannot make notes for myself or have my hubby or son help act as my “memory”…….there is a very good chance I will not remember.

I know this is part of my chronic condition……the wonderful “Fibro fog” as it is called…..magnified by the grief that I am still working through.

So as a good friend of mine who has Fibromyalgia suggested…..use notes….whether they be sticky pads….or on the phone…..whatever works!  Write down the simplest thoughts!  These have been a great tool and reference…

It has also gone a long way toward teaching me patience!  Maybe this is one of the lessons that I was intended to learn! : )

CLOUDS ARE MY MIRROR

Today…the clouds in the sky mirror the shadow over my heart….it is one of those days….where I feel the grief of losing my Sis.  I have been listening to a CD my brother had given me years ago…..Meatloaf……and one of the songs from the “Bat Out of Hell 2” CD really struck me….”The Future Just Ain’t What It Used to Be”….

It is no wonder that my IBS, Fibromyalgia and Polyarthralgia are raging…..I am still…..just as all those so close to my Sis are….dealing….coping…..working through the tremendous emotional roller coaster that we find ourselves on…..the future is no longer the same….today is no longer the same…..

We are thrust into a present that is not what we thought of….it does not fit into our hopes….our dreams….our wants….our desires…..yet….we must continue on….continue pushing forward…..continue working through the grief….

It is SUCH a hard path!  Yet….we each must learn to live in this new reality….where “The Future Ain’t What It Used to Be”….we must…..must keep pressing ahead….taking those steps….knowing that there will be many times that we stumble….fall down….slide backward……

We will experience the wonder of the bright blue sky like I did yesterday…..then have a cloudy day like I am having today…..and yes….there are those days that are like a Thunderstorm….when the torrent of emotions just takes control and the tears flow……

All of this helps us to navigate this new reality…..it is a ROUGH adjustment….

I can only close my eyes….or just speak out loud to my Sis……as I sit and attempt to rest…..while reeling in a tempest of emotion.

Loss

I am kicking back in my recliner that my awesome hubby brought into the house!  I sit here….overwhelmed….I am surrounded with my family…..my awesome hubby, son….and our Yellow Lab, Chrly.

My Dear, Dearest Sis, made this possible!  We had talked….she had SO wanted us to make this move!  To jump at the opportunity to help me feel better!

Yet…now…..I am filled with loss…..with emptiness!  I am not alone in my heartache…..I know of many others that are hurting….that are missing, Carrie…………

I know…that with each day….we are proving that life IS abundant….IT surrounds us…..WE are embracing every opportunity to explore….to experience it……

In this…..we are celebrating my precious, Sis!  (I miss YOU!!!!!  SO much!!!!)  Yet…I know that I need to be the support to others!  I need to be their rock!

You, my Dear Sis, were MY rock!  Where am I to go?  I have no one to call….no one to speak to……YOU alone I trusted….you knew me….you understood me……I could totally trust you.

I have the most wonderful husband and son in the world!  Yet….I am now at a loss…..I no longer have a confident!  Someone to confide in….to share my dreams…..my hopes….with….

Now….I will look to the stars! I will hope that dreams….and aspirations….are magnified through the tears….the laughter……the shared aspirations……the shared experiences…….

I love you, Sis!  Always and forever!  I know that this heartache will remain……it will continue….for you are no longer with us…….

Fibro Fog

A NEW ADVENTURE

My family and I have started a new chapter!  We are onto a new adventure!

My Fibromyalgia and Polyarthragia had become SO debilitating!  It was becoming more and more difficult to get out of bed.  Finally had to make the decision to quit my job…..place the house on the market…and leave the Oregon Coast as my doctor had been after me to do for the past 6 months.

The death of my Sister has, of course, complicated my conditions further.  However, the enormous amount of stress, even with reduced work hours and working at a slow methodic pace with breaks was not helping at all.

We have been in the Southeastern portion of Idaho to test this drier climate and higher elevation.  WOW!!!  After just two days, my joints are no longer hurting so badly!  No pain in the joints!

Yes….I still have extreme muscle aches everywhere….overly sensitive areas remain…..still tire so quickly…….yet…there is great hope that I am on the right track!  

One step in the right direction!  YEAH!!!  My family and I are SO happy!  And today, my feet did not hurt at all!  So….another small step in the right direction!

There is a long road ahead……I have almost no muscle tone left…….these conditions have truly wreaked havoc…..and I do not know how much more I will regain.

Each new day brings more hope and excitement!  Small steps on a NEW path!!!

Reality of Fibro/IBS and Grief

After dealing with the last few weeks, the overwhelming numbness…..doing what needed to be done for my dear sis, Carrie……my body began giving way the day of the funeral and then again at the Memorial.

The following week found me in a deep, profound Fibro fog!  So hard to describe…..like mind absent from the body.  Going through the day….wondering “how did I get to work?”  By the Grace of God, I was able to process payroll.  Each day the exhaustion in my body became more and more overwhelming!  

By the end of the week, the knots were back in my tummy…..just completely overwhelmed!

The exhaustion I experienced was beyond what words can say! Such effort to keep eyes open…..sleep……sleep.  Naps and early bedtime!  The simplest of meals fixed for my family.

Now today…..the exhaustion has released its grip!  My joints are so painful…….each and every one…..there is a huge knot behind my left shoulder blade……a hot soaking bath helped to lessen its grip.

Today will be another slow and careful day……more rest……gentle stretches……I know I just have to wait…..to allow my  body to release the stress of grief……made all the more complicated by my conditions!

Tag Cloud