As if our body’s aren’t under enough stress with our hidden illnesses and conditions, there always seems that more gets added to our plate!
I have been absent in dealing with “new” pain affecting my lower back and both legs. Results of the MRI showed Herniated discs (L4 and L5, S1 and S2) and arthritis in same area. So yes, definitely Sciatica.
I will go in for steroid injections next Wednesday. I do hope they provide relief. It would be SO nice to go back to my “usual” pain!
Coursing through every cell
The slightest touch exacerbates
Pressure from the softest cloth
Becomes a knife with serrated blade…
Interrupted by nausea
Hunched over by the cramping
Right arm and shoulder on fire
My body a living pin cushion…
The light is overwhelming
Yet the darkest room offers no relief
No comfort to be found
A headache begins to form
Sensations are racing to and fro…
The intensity of symptoms
Raging and fighting…vying for attention
My brain is on overload
Waves of pain bombard me
My body sinks into the depths…
I take pause
To breathe deeply
Soft spoken words
Pleading for the slightest of relief
Peace comes to my mind…
My symptoms still enraged
As I am enveloped
By a sense of calm
Like a thick blanket
Renewing strength and focus…
The most difficult part of living with hidden illnesses/conditions like Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, IBS, etc. is trying to describe our conditions to those close to us. I created the attached PDF to demonstrate how complex these conditions and their associated symptoms are…
The definition and synonyms per Dictionary.com are presented as follows:
having or showing a tendency to be easily annoyed or made angry.
“she was tired and irritable”
||bad-tempered, short-tempered, irascible, tetchy, testy, touchy, grumpy, grouchy, moody, crotchety, in a (bad) mood, cantankerous, bilious, curmudgeonly, ill-tempered, annoyed, cross, ill-humored, peevish, fractious, pettish, crabby, bitchy, waspish, prickly, splenetic, dyspeptic, choleric; More
(of a bodily part or organ) abnormally sensitive.
(of a condition) caused by abnormal sensitivity.
I have been praying and reading scripture while wrestling with this beast. Many questions have come to mind:
- Is this a “new to me” Fibro Flare symptom?
- Is this the result of the intense stress of fighting for SS Disability (26 months to finally receive a “Favorable” decision)?
- Is it the result of being overwhelmed emotionally due to the “Favorable” decision?
- Is it a side effect of medication?
- Is it the after effect of changing medication?
- Is it the result of being home bound?
- Is it the result of frustration that the simple act of riding in a vehicle for any amount of time triggers a Fibro Flare?
- Is it from not getting enough sleep?
The questions could go on and on to other tangents as well. My attention span is close to nonexistent. I would liken it….to a young child…distractions are everywhere! The sights and sounds derail me all too easily.
All that is certain is that irritability is a foe!
No matter our chronic condition/illness, our lives and the lives of those around us are forever altered. We are stressed to our breaking point. The emotional toll overwhelms. We are in the midst of the most intense storm of our life.
We are tested at what feels to be beyond our limits as we battle our way through the health care system, working with our doctors to find some sort of relief to allow us to have a life of some kind…our loved ones and those close to us witness this first hand.
We embark on a new journey that is dictated by our bodies…grieving who we were and had hoped to be. We struggle to adapt…to accept the fact that we might be home bound, unable to drive, barely able to maintain good hygiene…yet we do.
Like me, you might have to fight for SS Disability. Even with the assistance of an advocate/lawyer, this can be an arduous task. My route went through denials…to a hearing…taking 26 months to finally have the Judge rule in my favor. All the while, watching our resources dwindle to nothing.
I am thankful to be at this last step…awaiting the formal notification that will verify the monthly payment and solidify medical coverage. Yet I am bereft of emotion…feeling hollow, raw…an empty shell…praying for this wave to settle quickly…knowing that this journey is far from over.
Just as the thick cloak of night
Hides the shadow
My body belies the reality
Of the war raging within…
It is bejeweled by the glistening stars
Twinkling like diamonds
Forming well known constellations
Whose paths were set to motion eons ago…
The path of chronic pain is arduous
It tests us in ways unimaginable
It attacks physically, mentally, and emotionally
Showing no mercy and no predictability…
It taunts with images of yesterday
It teases with thoughts of “normalcy”
Reality check…pain is real…symptoms are real
Yesterday is our distant past…
The challenge now is to create
To embrace our limitations
This is our new reality
To embark upon a unique journey…