Chronic illness and pain often leaves us feeling like we are driving a hazardous road in the blackest of nights in blinding snow.
I hear the tumultuous waves crashing nearby. My knuckles are white as I clinch the steering wheel ever tighter.
My body is overwhelmed, yet again, with increased stabbing pain and extremely overly sensitive skin…I am counting hours to my appointment tomorrow. A much needed refill to my pain pump and discussion of my latest MRI.
In the early morning hours, as I laid in bed feeling the pain ramping up, I prayed for a touch of relief…tears could not help but fall. I was granted a little more than an hour’s fitful sleep during which I was given an awesome dream.
I dreamt that I was clinging as tightly as I could to a rock as a storm raged around me…pounding pain, large hail stones striking exposed skin, winds whipping and tearing around me…every pore seemed to be screaming as the pain within was rising to the symphony around me. Then I opened my eyes to see that I was clinging to Jesus, his back taking the brunt of the forces.
I awoke with a renewed sense of hope…looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment…knowing that I am truly not alone…that my prayers are being heard.
Viewing the awesome landscape of the early morning with the chorus of “Amazing Grace” playing in my mind…
“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.”
The gift of a new day with just a hint of God’s power and majesty on display.
What a whirlwind this past week has been! I have experienced electric shocks and electric zaps (a slow-motion form of the fast shocks), intense nausea, insomnia followed by sleeping all day –unable to wake, thick brain fog, inability to use the correct words when attempting to speak…not to mention the symptoms of my conditions thrown into the mix!!
Yesterday was the worst for pain that I have ever experienced. Yes…you read that right! Mere words cannot relay the reality, yet I must try. It is SO important that we know and absolutely believe that we are not alone in dealing with our hidden illnesses/conditions.
Yesterday brought tears to me eyes, truly crying because the pain was so extensive, so overbearing, so excruciating. Every single inch of my body was screaming at the top of its lungs: exaggerated pain from touch (clothing, slight breeze from the ceiling fan), Tinnitus volume turned up on high, stabbing and throbbing sensations coursing up and down my legs. It was hard to differentiate from the symptoms of my Fibromyalgia/Polyarthralgia/Chronic Pain Disorder/Neuralgia/IBS-D/etc. and those produced by the absence of the Cymbalta.
This morning brought a huge sigh of relief! There is a true difference in my body today. I am experiencing the symptoms of my conditions…albeit they are still higher than my “normal”, would be categorized as a “Fibro Flare”…yet I feel that they will slowly settle…settle enough for my Pain Specialist to make further adjustments as needed to my pain pump.
What a rough ride! I am sure that I will still have some issues arise, however, it is uplifting to know that the first week following the last dosage is the most difficult. One step at a time…one day at a time.
The beauty of the sky
The myriad of colors
The sounds of life abound
Even with the ever ringing in the ears…
It is as if I had been in a lifetime slumber
My senses forever dulled
Reaching upwards for help
While overwhelmed in quicksand…
Illness strips us of the familiar
We are thrust into the unknown
Each step taken as with a blindfold
Hands outstretched groping in darkness…
Our medical teams struggle
Conditions and illnesses so misunderstood
Further muddled by myriad of symptoms
Each of us so different from the other…
We search for answers
Yet try as we might
We find health elusive
Stripped from us and locked away
Secreted in the darkest, farthest corner…
We are tried and tested in ways indescribable
As words are a shallow testament
To the inner symptoms that abound
Forever changing and challenging…
The beautiful lighthouse at Newport, Oregon. Brings back such awesome memories! A weekend of baseball shared with my Sis!
While in town last week after my doctor appointment, my husband and son went into a family owned feed store. They happened to have this beautiful, white female boxer pup…with the most brilliant blue eyes…they kept talking about her.
When I woke up Monday morning, I felt some strength and had a bit of focus. The last two weeks of not feeling well, Fibro flares, IBS-C flares, and head cold….then finally starting my new medication dosage (which completely knocked my out)….had finally loosened their grip for a brief time.
I took advantage….and once hubby was a work and our son at school….I snuck into town…and with the help of the wonderful, courteous staff…this beautiful pup was loaded up and ready to head to her new home!
Needless to say, our son was ecstatic! Our lab was pleased to have a little one around…and Sadie has blended right into the family.
It has been such a blessing! She has brought wonderful distraction…endless snuggles…and many laughs as she and Chrly wrestle and play.
It has truly helped increase the joy of this wondrous Christmas Season!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
It has been a long time…a very long time since I have given myself permission to remain in my pajamas for the day. Yet that is exactly what I did this morning!
The electric shocks continue to course through my body…my ears are ringing so loudly! Still! The oversensitivity of my chest is SO overwhelming! Words cannot express the pain that is permeating throughout my entire body…coursing through…causing waves of nausea.
Oh the joy of living with Fibromyalgia/Polyarthralgia/Chronic Pain Disorder/and the like!
I am doing what is SO difficult for each of us…I am giving myself a break! My symptoms are in control now…however, this is temporary! It may be tomorrow…the day after…or next week…it will come though!
I will awake one day soon with the notable absence of these terrifying shocks…the incredible “out of body” feeling…the deafening, high pitched screaming in my ears…
My only focus today…is rest…do not feel obligated…enjoy the comfort of pajamas…of a warm fire on a cold day…