Just as lightning
Pierces the darkness…
So does the pain
Coursing through our bodies.
Just as nature
Can offer a hint…
Our bodies can also
Provide that sense of being off.
Then out of nowhere
The flashing light….
Followed by the roar
The deep sounding rumble.
The pain strikes
Sudden and undetermined…
Not always the same
Yet it is blinding and searing.
Just as the length
And the strength of the storm…
Builds and threatens
So do our bodies respond.
My thoughts are not focused
Scattered as if by the wind.
The pain that is overwhelming
Will give no relief.
Sleep is but a wish
A distant dream.
The lack of precious sleep
Magnifies the intensity.
Guaranteed to embrace the
Spasms, throbbing, aching, burning.
I do not understand the reason
Yet I truly feel no need to question.
I choose to trust
In God, The Father.
I choose to believe
That I will somehow give strength to others.
I choose to continue to dream
Of a life yet to be that has less pain.
I struggle with my grief
As I see the pain in the eyes of those close.
My husband and son, family and friends
Must watch…as if on the sidelines.
I smile and put on my best front
Not wanting to see the fear and concern in their eyes.
It is through displaying strength
That I hope their fears will be lessened.
The loss of my Baby Sis
Has cast a shadow.
Yet the bright blue in her eyes
The intense joy of her smile.
Closing my eyes to hear her voice
Remembering her laugh.
I speak to her daily
Knowing she hears and understands.
Her gentle touch via the breeze
Or the warmth of the sun.
Reminds me that this I do not understand
Yet again, I know that God Our Father has a plan.
These words are not written as shallow
Without feeling….without the huge sense of loss.
I am living through the immensity of both
My bodily/ability loss and that of my CareBear.
I find strength in her perseverance
In her zestful taste of life.
I embrace my husband and son
Relishing in their laughter and enthusiasm.
I so appreciate my family and dear friends
The sound of their voices, words by email/text.
For now this reality of constant pain
Living with these overwhelming sensations.
Day upon day upon day
Is truly my cross to bear.
Some day I will look back on this time
I hope with just a touch of understanding.
In hopes that somehow, somewhere
I was able to touch someone’s life
Just as my Dear Sister.
What are the “True Thoughts of Loss”? Really??? It TOTALLY SUCKS!
Truly! The loss of someone so close….especially in such a sudden tragic way is VERY hard…..
Even with Faith…with belief in a higher power….realizing that God IS God….
It is STILL difficult! It is just Faith that helps….it gives the strength to know that there IS some greater good…..a good that is BIGGER than we are….that is outside of us….that we cannot see….
We cannot see this BIGGER good because we are TOO close! We are TOO close to the origin!
I guess that is the TRUE secret!
The knowledge and the true HOPE that our BELOVED has somehow bridged the gap…has SOMEHOW impacted lives in such a way….that even in his/her death….the result is a GREATER impact on ALL those around him/her!
In my case….I have had the TRUE pleasure….the TRUE blessing….of seeing FIRST HAND the HUGE impact that my Sister had on the lives on those around her!
My Sis….is a TRUE living testament to a LIVING…BREATHING…God…..
Thank you Lord for holding my Sis Close!!!
I had hoped to be able to help others dealing with a sudden illness, surgery or dealing with a chronic health condition by starting this Blog. I have found so much more!
The friends I have made….fellow bloggers dealing with their struggles…..each offering inspiration….sharing encouragement…..sharing themselves. What a wonderful blessing you all are!
Other blessings of course….my husband…..my son….our families (parents, brothers, sisters, sister-in-laws, brother-in-laws, cousins, Aunts, Uncles). Our friends……our Church family……I am so blown away by the loving support!
This struggle with pain has opened my eyes to a deeper appreciation for those around me. I am awestruck and humbled by all the support I have received and continue to receive.
I am deeply appreciative and thank God for everyone whose lives I have been blessed to touch.
Each day when eyes first open…..breath in the sweet air…listen to the sounds all around….and submerse yourself in all the wonderful blessings around us!
I am sure that I am not the first nor the last dealing with long-term health issues that pushes too hard….to far…at times. Then of course…we do as I am now…”paying the piper”….sitting with the heating pad….knowing it really isn’t doing much….just not looking forward to the weight of a blanket on the side that cannot be touched.
I would do it again in a heart beat! I want to meet my obligations at work….there are set things that I cannot hand off. Then the most important part of the day comes after work! Watching my son play baseball! I know we will be disrupted by another hospital stay all to soon…I just cannot bear missing a moment cheering…..watching….participating!
I know tonight will bring little sleep. I will turn in into prayer and meditation time….afterall…just relaxing will help to provide energy for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be more low-key….no game…no important meetings at work…..just the best part of the evening…Cub Scouts! Smiling happy faces…the boys laughing and enjoying each other…learning and growing!
This is the daily struggle…the day to day that we “manage”……as we as parents…..manage our illness/sickness/pain…..our children do not realize the powerful role THEY play. Our kids are our inspiration…..our joy….our angels….that assist us each day. Overpowering the bad with the good….providing the “misdirection” that we need to lose focus on what we ourselves are dealing with….taking us “above and beyond”.
The biggest challenge is making it through the work week….both work and family obligations. Focusing on the basics that must be accomplished…and enjoying any possible extra that I can get in….like taking my son to the book fair at school.
It is not comfortable…body aches badly…however, I don’t like to show it. I am sure you try to hide it the best you can as well. Some days it is easier to hide than others.
Even after all this time it is hard to know that I have no control. My body dictates my activity level…hard to explain….wanting to join your family for the basketball game…yet knowing, if you go, you won’t be able to sleep at all and will not be able to move beyond your easy chair the next day. (Personally, I go anyway…and pay the price! Those precious moments are few and limited!)
Now the weekend is here…time to try to rest and relax…keep things as low key as possible. I close my eyes and remind myself I will be back to exercising….even running soon! I will be up for hunting this season!