Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘loss of sibling’

Missing You!

Version 2

It seems like only yesterday

I got home from school

To find Mom frantically searching for Dad

You were READY to enter this world.

I was anxious and nervous

Would I have another brother or

Would I have a Baby Sister?

We knew the answer would be soon.

The first time I saw you

Lying in your bassinet

So small, so fragile

Yet beautiful and full of life

We were all in love at first sight!

I taped ribbons to your head

So frustrated that others

Would refer to you as a boy

My mind screaming “Would a boy wear pink?!?!?!”

You were my shadow

Forever beside me….never giving any space

Especially when we visited Grandparents!

I can still feel you curled up against my back

No matter what I did

You would sleep NO other way.

Oh! To relive those precious days!

My heart aches

Tears flow

I cannot help it.

You had only just admitted

To the most wonderful event

Of the terrific man in your life.

I…we….were so proud of your accomplishments

First in Class as Graduate of Law School

Making huge impressions on your new law firm

The promise of such a bright future!

Yet…God chose to call you home…

The Angel’s hand you did grasp

To rise into the light

The peace…the tranquility

The overwhelming love

In being united with all those gone before

To be present before our Lord….our God.

I once again see those beautiful blue eyes

That bright smile

The kiss upon the precious forehead

Of the shell that had housed

My most, beautiful, wonderful, precious, Baby Sis!

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Further Insight

I gained further insight this morning! A breakthrough for me. I am finally realizing that I am struggling with being unproductive!

Before my chronic conditions forced my departure from the workforce, I was the primary income for our family.  My husband’s attempts to find employment were met with odd jobs here and there while trying to grow his fish taxidermist business.

I was working full-time, teaching 4/5 grade at our Parish, and assisting with the Altar Servers.  All of which I gradually had to let go…until I just had to disappear from them all!  I could not even attend Mass!  Sitting quietly would increase my pain level so much that I would have to lie on the couch the rest of the day!

We have moved which has helped the stress. Our son is thriving in his new school.  My husband has job opportunities.  My health has not yet improved. I know that my conditions are extreme at this point in time. I realize it will take years for my body to settle enough that I can form what will be my new life pattern.

I now understand that I had mentally come to terms with this, yet I had not done so emotionally!  Just as I am still grasping the reality of life without my Baby Sis!

This emotional toll is what I am feeling now….it is as if I am now comfortable enough in our new place to allow my guard down. Enough that my emotions are attempting to show their head.

This places me into an internal struggle! My “inner self” is now trying to protect me. This is the reason that my sleep has been so negatively impacted these past 4 days!

Once I realized what was happening, I paused to thank my “inner self” for the protection. And reminded myself of the wonderful, safe place we are in now. The positive impact it is having on us all!

Now I must attend to those feelings of negativity! That of feeling unproductive, of feeling useless. Writing this is all ready helping! It is lifting the heavy weight that I had felt.

I know that this is temporary….even if it lasts a period of time….say 2 – 3 years. I am doing all I can in the mean time….as I Blog, share my feelings, sit with my son as he does his homework, text/email those close to us, place calls when I feel well enough, say prayers (many times) daily….remind our son of his Faith of the Church and the wonderful meaning of Mass.

I will be able to attend Mass in the future….I will be able to offer some form of service….for now though….I understand that I must allow myself to recover as best I can.

For now I must embrace the emotional side of my chronic conditions!  Just as I am embracing the emotional side of life with my Sister’s physical absence.

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Grief

My body fights sleep
Last night it came to me.
After a day of a heavy heart
Feeling weighted down as if by sand.
I feel the grief, the tears within
Yet I fight their release.

Last night it came to me
The heavy grief of loss.
Feeling the absence of my Sis
So very strongly this past day.
Yet not only yesterday
Each and every day, just as in life.

I battle on so many fronts
That tears may well yet not fall.
I know the release
Might help for the moment.
I am struggling to adapt
To embrace this altered path.

Rather to embrace the memories
Intertwine them with the present
Forever to remain a part
An integral piece of living now.
As she once first entered our lives
She will never be absent from us.

My struggle with health
Adapting to live with permanent conditions
That dictate each and every day.
I find freedom only in the brief time of sleep
Those few precious hours
When left to dream
To escape briefly from reality.

These brief respites
Renew strength to fight again
To challenge and accept the struggles of the day
To thank my Sis for her sweet presence
For the love, the friendship, the care she shows.
To push forward knowing that
I honor her in my fight to regain some semblance of my former self.

I awake each day
To embrace the symptoms coursing through my body
Overwhelming me with so many sensations
Throbbing, pulsing, stabbing, burning, itching
My thoughts usually scattered
Words not grasped.

My heart goes out to all
I know this road is traveled by many.
Grief is individual
Each tasked to work through
To weave the thread provided
To incorporate our Beloved into our now
To preserve her memory
To cherish her for our lifetime.

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Missing My Sis

It has been 6 months since my Baby Sis was taken from us…..

Today my Dad and brother….along with the rest of the family (minus us of course due to distance) gathered for their birthday celebrations…..we were able to enjoy FaceTime to have that opportunity to see everyone…..not the same…but when distance prevents being together…it is an awesome option!

It was strange to not see my Sis among them!  I know that this will only be increased as the holidays approach…..Thanksgiving and Christmas…..

We are all going to be dealing with some very difficult times ahead……I know that we are all going to be feeling her absence…..it will be hard and awkward…….it will be a time for us to further support each other.

My Sister-In-Law and I have all ready assumed the “Christmas Pajama” role….my son helped picked out some awesome Christmas pajamas for his cousin….my wonderful, precious niece….We will get them wrapped and send them early…..want her to enjoy and have the chance to decide which set to wear Christmas morning!

My Sister-In-Law will get a set for my son…..

I am tearing up!  This Christmas will be a challenge……I do not know what it will be like to NOT have my Sis….to used to her laugh….to seeing her with the Santa hat handing out gifts…then passing the hat to our son…….

Just CANNOT put my head around it yet….still seems SO surreal!  Just keep waiting for her to call me….to see her show up at our doorstep….as if it was all a huge mistake…..yet….

I know….it is real….I saw my precious Baby in the morgue…….I kissed and hugged that empty shell…..my wonderful, Baby Sis was NOT there…..what I saw and felt was just a shell that had housed her AWESOME soul!

I know that SHE is free….that she is free from her mortal shell…..

It does NOT make it any easier…….it is still very hard……to deal in this new reality without her.Version 2

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