Embracing life with chronic pain.

Posts tagged ‘loss’

A Peaceful View


Enjoying the breeze and the view of the clouds on a wonderful summer day!

The breeze is so refreshing!  Rushing past as if trying to make off with the pain!

Ahhh! The blissful peace of branches swaying and the birds singing!!

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True Thoughts of Loss

What are the “True Thoughts of Loss”?  Really???  It TOTALLY SUCKS!

Truly!  The loss of someone so close….especially in such a sudden tragic way is VERY hard…..

Even with Faith…with belief in a higher power….realizing that God IS God….

It is STILL difficult!  It is just Faith that helps….it gives the strength to know that there IS some greater good…..a good that is BIGGER than we are….that is outside of us….that we cannot see….

We cannot see this BIGGER good because we are TOO close!  We are TOO close to the origin!

I guess that is the TRUE secret!

The knowledge and the true HOPE that our BELOVED has somehow bridged the gap…has SOMEHOW impacted lives in such a way….that even in his/her death….the result is a GREATER impact on ALL those around him/her!

In my case….I have had the TRUE pleasure….the TRUE blessing….of seeing FIRST HAND the HUGE impact that my Sister had on the lives on those around her!

My Sis….is a TRUE living testament to a LIVING…BREATHING…God…..

Thank you Lord for holding my Sis Close!!!

CLOUDS ARE MY MIRROR

Today…the clouds in the sky mirror the shadow over my heart….it is one of those days….where I feel the grief of losing my Sis.  I have been listening to a CD my brother had given me years ago…..Meatloaf……and one of the songs from the “Bat Out of Hell 2” CD really struck me….”The Future Just Ain’t What It Used to Be”….

It is no wonder that my IBS, Fibromyalgia and Polyarthralgia are raging…..I am still…..just as all those so close to my Sis are….dealing….coping…..working through the tremendous emotional roller coaster that we find ourselves on…..the future is no longer the same….today is no longer the same…..

We are thrust into a present that is not what we thought of….it does not fit into our hopes….our dreams….our wants….our desires…..yet….we must continue on….continue pushing forward…..continue working through the grief….

It is SUCH a hard path!  Yet….we each must learn to live in this new reality….where “The Future Ain’t What It Used to Be”….we must…..must keep pressing ahead….taking those steps….knowing that there will be many times that we stumble….fall down….slide backward……

We will experience the wonder of the bright blue sky like I did yesterday…..then have a cloudy day like I am having today…..and yes….there are those days that are like a Thunderstorm….when the torrent of emotions just takes control and the tears flow……

All of this helps us to navigate this new reality…..it is a ROUGH adjustment….

I can only close my eyes….or just speak out loud to my Sis……as I sit and attempt to rest…..while reeling in a tempest of emotion.

Fibro Fog

FIBRO PAIN AND FIBRO “FOG”

There are days that I don’t know what is worse!  The Fibro Pain or the Fibro “Fog”….or Fibro “Fog” magnified by grief!  LOL

Those of us that are trapped in the “prison” of our bodies understand!  The use of the wheelchair….the horrific distance to just walk down the hall to the bathroom……you know what I mean!!!!  I am SO blessed to have a wheelchair to use when we are out and about…..I use it now in the motel to go to and from the pool and the breakfast area.

I know in the beginning it was hard….it was hard to admit that I needed this type of help…..and….yes, I was worried about what people would think!  My Sis helped me to get past that!  SHE helped me to realize it was OK to do what was best for me!  This was a thought that was SO foreign to me…..

She empowered me to ACCEPT myself where I was at.  And…now…my Strength is in Heaven!  I have NO DIRECT PHYSICAL CONTACT with her now!

Thankfully, I have been blessed to ACCEPT my condition!  I am THANKFUL for my wheelchair…..and I take advantage of it every chance I get!  I use it to pace myself….to keep from overdoing!

My mind?  At times I feel that I have REALLY lost it!!!!  I will start talking…then stop because I do not remember what I was saying!  I will start a task….then stop…because I do not remember what I was doing!!!!  Does this sound familiar????

Now it is magnified!  The grief process just magnifies the “FOG” more than I can express!!!!  I stop mid-sentence because I have no idea what I was saying…….I stop after standing because I have NO idea what I was going to do! I am lucky to make it to the bathroom!  (I know…TOO graphic for some!!!!)

We are NOT crazy!  Those of us with Fibromyalgia struggle with memory issues…..those issues are GREATLY magnified by grief….by the loss of our loved ones.

We are left to feel like we are crazy!!!!  Yet…we ARE NOT!

We ARE dealing with the internal struggles of our own conditions….magnified by the loss of our loved one.  

Only others with our condition can fully understand……just know…..you are NOT alone!

ROUGH DAYS

I must say….today has been one of those very ROUGH days!  Physically my body hurts all over…..but moreso…..the HUGE hole left by the loss of my Sis is aching terribly!

Not a day goes by that I do not think of her…..see her face when I close my eyes.  My heart is hurting badly today!  It is one of those days that I need to hear her voice…..to have her respond to a text……to have her sitting by my side…..

A dream!  I know…..she is no longer physcially here……but now I am in that stage of MASSIVE denial!  I keep waiting for the next email….the next text…the next phone call to be from her.

What challenges those of us left behind must face!  What struggles as we are forced to wrestle with a NEW reality without our precious loved one!

There is no magic cure….there is no “pill”….there is no hiding from road that we must tread…..the ups and the downs….the draining…physical exhaustion…..the lapses of memory!

Please do not take this as a question of faith….for that it is NOT!  I have a deep faith….a deep trust in God.  It is because of that that I am able to deal with daily life…..I know that my Sis is in a good place!  Yes!  It is hard for me to say a better place….because what could be better than living life with her wonderful boyfriend and enjoying time with her family, friends, and coworkers!

I am just struggling as are all of those that loved my dear Sis!

2 1/2 MONTHS

It has been about 2 1/2 months since I lost my Sis!  Losing her definitely caused me to reconsider my priorities!  Namely my health issues!  Through my experience of intense grief and loss, I realized that life is TOO short….it is TOO precious!  Things I thought I knew!!!!

I am thankful that I have a supportive husband and a son that was willing to join me on our next adventure!  With the push of my doctor, heading to a dryer climate was definitely the right start!

There have been many days now that we have been in the Southeastern area of Idaho that I have wanted my Sis by my side!  I have taken pictures…..I have spoken out loud to her….I have spoken to her within the depths of my heart….my mind…and my soul!  I have shed tears!  Weeping at the opportunity to have this new start….yet anxious to move forward….knowing that this is what she would want!

I know my Sis is seeing the wonderful views…the awe inspiring sights with me!  Yet…..it is not the same…..it will NEVER be the same!  I am still attempting to grasp the reality that I will never again hear her laugh…..never again see her smile….never again give her a hug….never again exchange I Love You’s!

The only way I know to continue to celebrate my wonderful, beautiful Sis, is to keep moving forward!  To move forward in this new direction!  Knowing that she is with me EVERY step of the way!

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