Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘multiple surgeries’

A Flare Like No Other

Unrelenting pain

Coursing through every cell

The slightest touch exacerbates

Pressure from the softest cloth

Becomes a knife with serrated blade…

Skin crawling

Interrupted by nausea

Hunched over by the cramping

Right arm and shoulder on fire

My body a living pin cushion…

The light is overwhelming

Yet the darkest room offers no relief

No comfort to be found

A headache begins to form

Sensations are racing to and fro…

The intensity of symptoms

Raging and fighting…vying for attention

My brain is on overload

Waves of pain bombard me

My body sinks into the depths…

I take pause

To breathe deeply

Soft spoken words

Pleading for the slightest of relief

Peace comes to my mind…

My symptoms still enraged

As I am enveloped

By a sense of calm

Like a thick blanket

Renewing strength and focus…

 

 

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Tummy Trouble

It is amazing how far I have traveled on this path of chronic pain and illness.  The pain pump has been a major milestone!  It has given me the ability to determine where my pain and discomfort is coming from…rather than the symptoms just shouting over each other to be heard.

Almost two weeks ago, I was able to explain to my GI Specialist my abdominal issues with specific symptoms! With my complicated history which includes Pelvic Floor Syndrome, rectal prolapse, spastic colon, permanent colostomy (sigmoid colon and rectum removed), and IBS, it provided the glimpse that he needed to best determine the next step.  I will be undergoing a Gastric Emptying Scan next week to determine if my stomach is working properly…must determine just how much of my GI tract is involved.

I am anxious to find out if the malfunctions of my lower GI tract are “isolated” or if my upper GI tract is also involved.  Another crucial piece of my medical conditions will be better understood!

As so many of us with chronic conditions know, it takes time to put all pieces together.  It takes so much effort and energy to get diagnoses due to whatever symptoms are screaming the loudest!  Living with Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, Somatic Symptom Disorder, Neuralgia, Postherpetic Neuralgia, Paresthesia along with the above referenced GI disorders make determining the origin of symptoms extremely difficult.

So many years…so many doctors…so many appointments…not to mention the tests and imaging/scans!  This path of chronic illnesses and conditions is not easy…there are no easy fixes…it forces us to rediscover ourselves while it strips us of the lives we had.

The War Within

Just as the thick cloak of nightIMG_7978

Hides the shadow

My body belies the reality

Of the war raging within…

It is bejeweled by the glistening stars

Twinkling like diamonds

Forming well known constellations

Whose paths were set to motion eons ago…

The path of chronic pain is arduous

It tests us in ways unimaginable

It attacks physically, mentally, and emotionally

Showing no mercy and no predictability…

It taunts with images of yesterday

It teases with thoughts of “normalcy”

Reality check…pain is real…symptoms are real

Yesterday is our distant past…

The challenge now is to create

To embrace our limitations

This is our new reality

To embark upon a unique journey…

 

Shattered

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Reaching for the glass

Watching as if in slow motion

As if it is happening to someone else

The trance is broken…

…shattered glass abounds

Trapped in a body

No longer my own

Every fibre fighting against itself

Overwhelming weakness and fatigue…

…shattered perspectives

Hopes and dreams

Forever changed

Day to day living

Is its own constant struggle…

…shattered aspirations

Witty comebacks

Balancing the checkbook

Speaking clearly and succinctly

The ability to multitask…

…shattered abilities

Incomplete and jumbled

I stare feeling frustrated

Simple tasks to most

My mind no longer comprehends…

…shattered mind

 

 

 

Conversation with Self on Fibro Brain

“Deodorant in second drawer…”

Absently looking into the mirror…

“Mmm…”

I slowly turn to leave the bathroom.

“Deodorant in second drawer…”

“Oh yes! I must brush my teeth!”

I turn back around

The early morning light

Cascading through the window.

I shuffle out the door…

“Oh yes! Must brush my teeth!”

I find myself in the bathroom again

My eyes happen upon the toothbrush

Hanging quietly, waiting…

“Oh man!”

Chills hit my body

Drawn to my reflection, again,

I forgot to put on my sweater!

I carefully navigate to the closet.

A glance around the bedroom

I smile as I move toward the bed

Reaching down to collect my soft fleece.

My mind is screaming,

“What did I need to do?”

A long, heavy sigh

I carefully put on the fleece

And begin my slow methodic walk

To my comfy recliner.

I stop part way down the hall,

Slowly shake my head

Another heavy sigh

As I continue to my recliner.

My body falls into the chair,

Feet up with body stabbing and throbbing

I pull the blanket over me;

Waiting for the worst of the pain

To ease enough to rest my aching body.

I find myself as if frozen in time,

“Oh man!! I forgot to put on deodorant!”

Symptoms — Just Try to Explain

As I attempt to write my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with the myriad of symptoms my mind and body are experiencing! The shooting pain in my legs*, the burning and stabbing in my thighs*, the burning and stabbing in my back*, the ice picks stabbing my feet, the stabbing and searing in my arms/wrists/hands/fingers, the burning and deep aching in my right arm, the burning and pressure in my hips*, heavy brain fog (or Fibro Fog) are the primary symptoms that come to mind…to distract and scatter my thoughts further from each other. (*Exaggerated on the right side.)

For those of us with chronic illnesses/conditions, our brains can stall out while we trying to express what our body is going through when asked this “routine” question by our doctor.  (Using doctor visit as example because that is the one place that we do our best to be as completely honest and open as possible! If you are like me, you do your best to hide the truth from those around you.)

The answer to this “routine” question is further complicated by the combination of our illnesses/conditions and the medication(s) we are taking. I looked up the most common (10 or fewer) symptoms of the following for quick reference:

Fibromyalgia: Pain, Sensitivity to Touch, Environmental Sensitivity, Muscle and Joint Stiffness, Muscle Spasms, Exhaustion, Trouble Concentrating (Fibro Fog), Chronic Headaches, Bowel Troubles, Depression (http://www.fibrotoday.com/10-common-symptoms-fibromyalgia10/)

Polyarthralgia: Pain, Joint Tenderness, Stiffness, Redness, Fatigue, Tingling or Unusual Sensations, Burning Sensation at Joints (http://www.healthline.com/health/polyarthralgia#overview1)

Neuralgia: Severe Pain, Burning, Stabbing — usually due to an irritated or damaged nerve, so it is localized (http://www.healthline.com/health/neuralgia#overview1)

IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome): Abdominal Pain and Cramping, Diarrhea, Constipation, Alternating Diarrhea and Constipation, Changes in Bowel Movement, Gas and Bloating, Food Intolerance, Fatigue and Difficulty Sleeping, Anxiety and Depression (http://www.healthline.com/nutrition/9-signs-and-symptoms-of-ibs)

I then looked up the 10 most common side effects of medications that I have used. (My experience is limited due to the extreme hypersensitivity of my system.)

Cymbalta: Nausea, Dry Mouth, Constipation, Fatigue, Tired Feeling, Drowsiness, Difficulty Sleeping, Loss of Appetite, Dizziness (http://www.healthline.com/nutrition/9-signs-and-symptoms-of-ibs)

Nucynta: Nausea, Constipation, Fatigue, Dizziness, Drowsiness, Itching, Runny or Stuffy Nose, Increased Sweating, Dry Mouth, Sleepiness (http://www.rxlist.com/nucynta-side-effects-drug-center.htm)

These abbreviated lists demonstrate our conundrum. Our illness/conditions have a huge laundry list of potential symptoms a number of which overlap, each of us is unique in how they manifest –from minor inconvenience to full-fledged disability. Making it all the more confusing for all those we interact with.

Our conditions are complex (we have multiple illnesses/conditions)…the medications prescribed for us add another level of complexity as the side effects can further exacerbate our conditions while providing some level of relief. So please do not take my long pause prior to answering out of context, I must temporarily “check out” to conduct an inventory list….that will be promptly jumbled by my “Fibro Fog”…and result in a bleak attempt to put into words the way I feel.

A New Day

The morning is bright and my body feels like it was run over by a Mack truck! The good news is so far no electric shocks or those nasty abdominal cramps! So thankful to not take that Cymbalta this morning!  Never again will that vile stuff enter my body!!

Today I will lay low and allow my body the time it needs to recover from yesterday. My tummy muscles are so sore and every fibre of my being aches, stabs, and throbs. Yet I would not trade how I feel today for yesterday!

This is truly a “new day” as I embark on this new path! What twists and turns will I discover?  Time will tell!  For now, I must rest…

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