Had a very good visit with out Son’s new primary physician. His eyes enlarged as we spoke about the sudden death of his Aunt, and then the move.
A lot of changes….and our kids do not process loss/grief the same as adults. Our kids are not able to express themselves like we can. It was evident that our Son has been through a MAJOR series of events…..
He lost his Dear Aunt…..moved to another State….left friends and his comfort zone…..
He still does not want to admit that he has dealt with any type of stress! He just smiled and says he is happy!
Yet…I know….and all those close to him know…he is dealing with a LOT! It is just his childhood perspective that is attempting to protect him.
Armed with great info from his new doc, I know what to watch for….I will continue to watch our son diligently. I will offer assistance…have him draw pictures, color, write…or, simply listen to whatever tangent he had to say.
All this…while I draw upon the strength that I glean from my Baby Sis! I grasp….I claw….I want to possess strength! I want to share complete confidence….
It is hard! This IS truly the hardest challenge! How do I share strength and courage…..when I am struggling with loss?
I so enjoy this time of year! Attending Masses during this Advent Season….watching our son decorate the Christmas Tree…..seeing his excitement as he selects gifts for family members.
The subtle smells of pine and fir boughs……of cinnamon….the warmth of candlelight and a roaring fire.
The greatest joy is watching our son counting the Advent candles in anticipation of celebrating Jesus birth! He understands the meaning of this wonderful season.
And yet, he can still be our little boy! Our wide-eyed enthusiastic boy who is eagerly awaiting Santa….and looking forward to time with family!
Do not be misled by the title……I am not going to preach….I just forced myself to go today….with God’s help I made it through. My surgery will be next week…then it will be months before I am healed enough to attend Mass again.
Those that are healthy won’t understand….not completely. Missing Mass…..missing that opportunity to join with God…with Christ…with our Church family is so difficult! Yet attending today was rejuvenating….calming……soothing…..it provided the security I needed. The knowledge, or rather reinforcement, that I am not alone…..that we are a body…..unique in our abilities and gifts that we provide.
Kneeling next to our son…..I could feel the calm….the hand reaching down……I am being watched over…protected….just as I try to reach out and protect my son. His ultimate hand is outstretched…..His eyes are watching…….He will be with me next week as I undergo another surgery…hopefully the last for a long time!
For those that can understand…..at times I feel that I am repeating myself….that I am rehashing the same thoughts over and over…..yet at the same time the continuous roller coaster of life has me experiencing things over and over from a different perspective.
Yes…I have not experienced the norm. I have undergone “unusual” procedures due to my body being so “unnatural”. Yes…not normal. I have had pelvic organ prolapse repair (due to a prolapsed rectum)…..repair of a peristomal hernia……then the dreaded “tumor”….which was initially disguised because of huge fluid buildups on my ovaries caused by the surgeries. I do have a tumor….thankfully, it appears to be benign……however, it is unsettling! I want that foreign body out! Who cares about the ovaries! I know I cannot have any more children….we are blessed with our angel. My uterus is gone….just want the “invader” and the potential of anything else out!
The issue with me is my uniqueness! I am not the norm. My docs are learning from me…….I am just hoping that I do not have yet another underlying condition that will also have to be dealt with. That is my hope. However, I am not in control. God is. My hope is that the experiences I am having will somehow help someone else.
My son was sitting on the edge of my seat tonight. He summed it up well…”Wow! Are other parents of kids or other kids viewing your website or blog?” “Are we helping someone else?”