No…I do not mean why is this happening to me. I mean Why Me, Lord? What makes me special to deserve your attention?
Really! Why do I deserve this honor? To have the opportunity to so heavily rely upon my daily conversations…..to be constantly reaching out….to constantly need your arms around me to make it through the day.
I am not being facetious…..I mean truly….after all this time I find myself thinking of Job. Do not think I can relate in any way. I am not saying that I consider myself chosen as Job was…..I would never assert that I have such a relationship with God as that of Job. Yet I am drawn to his story….as I am sure many that have found themselves…..
Job believed in God. God blessed him by using him as an example. I would never consider myself an example….not like that. Yet, I cannot help but feel that God is somehow allowing me to be test…to be used.
I only hope and pray that I can be used in someway to help…to build up someone else. It is so hard to keep going….to keep digging…..to keep hoping that all this will really mean something! I mean…really…if you are going through the onslaughts of these medical issues….there must be a reason. Our human side says that there must be something…..or someone some where that can gain from what we are experiencing….what we are enduring.
An outsider could easily misinterpret this ranting tonight as someone with some type of complex. The simple truth? I am just trying to understand why someone….especially…God…that one unseen….all powerful source….could consider that I could handle such a trial in life!?!?!?! What hidden strength does He see? What hidden person does He see that I do not?
Could this tribulation….this continued health struggle be His way of showing me that I have more to offer than I give myself credit for? Could it be a door that is opening? An opportunity to grow and to share…to make others stronger? So that they will not have to fight so hard? Or to simply know….that they are not alone?
on May 4, 2013