Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘poetry’

My “New” Self

Battling chronic pain conditions like Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, IBS, Pelvic Floor Syndrome, Sciatica, recurring Shingles, Sacroiliac Joint Disfunction, arthritis throughout the lumbar spine area, permanent Colostomy…the list goes on…is VERY difficult.

It tests every ounce of courage, forces us to dig deeper into ourselves. Faith, family and friends are our positive partners. However we can find ourselves alone, divorced and raising our child/children on disability income.

There are times to cry and we must give ourselves permission for that. The emotional, physical and mental control can really take its toll.

We must be patient with ourselves and our new reality. The acceptance of changed bodies due to surgery or surgeries and getting older. When I first had my Colostomy there was no mention of using support belts to prevent hernia, so it was very discouraging to go through a peristomal hernia and its necessary repair. And now the need to layer up with specialized support belt or active support garments is just “a part of life”….essential to my well being.

Let’s face it ladies, we are not sure how to take that big 50! We’ve seen images of older women with their boobs to their bellies. I saw this happen to myself at 51!! It was like they had lowered themselves at least two inches! Ahh!!! Scary!! So I treated myself to some active wear sports bras. Feel better and parts stay where they should without that nasty pulling of a regular bra.

It takes time to adjust to our new living conditions…a new house, change of routine, reviewing and re-examining our budgets. There is time to do this…when our minds are alert and focused.

Thankful for the medical team who have continued to try new out of the box thoughts on my behalf. These have made life easier. Yet reinforce, I am no longer that same person. I have adapted, grown in Faith, now better understand my body and its cycles, know when to ask for help, and embrace every minute of every day.

A Golden Hue

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As I lie in bed

A soft glow comes from the ceiling

It resembled an oak tree near a building…

The building shimmered as the golden light

Glinted off the bronzed and gold accents

Ricochetting casting the light into the tree…

The leaves accented with this soft light

Every detail striking as if in full 3D

The branches a deep gold color…

The texture of the bark

The drizzle of light coming off the leaves

I find myself reaching up…just wanting to touch…

The image fades

My mind is left to reflect

The golden hues shared with me this morning….

Silence

As the snow deepens

The silence grows

As if time is standing still…

My mind is refreshed

As this quiet seeps to my core

Banishing all doubts and fears…

The clanging in my body

Fights the stillness found within

I close my eyes to return to the calm…

The falling snow builds

My mind again quiets

The screaming in my body subsides…

Such a blessing is granted

To reaffirm Faith that is tested

My soul is stirred…

“Squirrel” Brain

This title makes me smile

As I attempt to relay my reality.

Complex sentences, vibrant words

I can see and feel…yet not express.

Words jumbled and sentences started

To be left hanging as I slowly shake my head.

Fibromyalgia and many of its “companions”

Overload my brain causing words to collide.

I pray for grace and strength

As I struggle to remain calm.

Images of “how it used to be”

Flashing in my mind’s eye like lightning.

Simple conversation and odd pauses

Exasperated by stress…good or bad.

Typing helps bridge this divide

As words appear on screen…

At the onset I had given myself permission

To write as if there were no grammatical rules.

My mind goes to our son when a Tiger Scout

An active mind so easily distracted…

Another mother summed it up — “Squirrel”

Attention span gone, the hunt is on.

Flighty and crafty, darting about

On the search for one of its stashes.

I smile when our teenager gently corrects

Better yet when he supplies the word I am unable to find.

Chronic illnesses/conditions force reform

Reminded of how we are but clay in the Potter’s hand.

Let go the frustration

Dive deeper into prayer…

Handing over the reigns

Trusting with our heart.

Deep breath taken

And laugh at the squirrel.

Heartache, Struggle, Persevere

How dare you begin with such a roar!

This month of May is a Lion…

Roaring, growling and then standing proud.

No matter how hard I try to prepare

The end of April starts the roller coaster.

Seasonal allergies will kick in…

Like a last ditch effort to switch gears.

The pinched nerve in my back reared it’s head

Hoping to derail the oncoming storm.

This year was different!

The anniversary of your death, Dear Sis,

Felt like a fuzzy blanket

Wrapped tight about.

The ache of your absence still strong

Yet ever stronger the feeling of your presence.

Within a handful of days

Wishing Mom and Dad “Happy Anniversary”!

Then the greatest news from U of O Law School,

The first Carrie Murray Memorial Scholarship has been awarded!

Wave after wave of emotions…

Crying…laughing…singing!

Your birthday is just around the corner…

I see those brilliant blue eyes

Filled with a true zest and love of life.

Memories will continue to flood our minds

Strengthening our resolve

To celebrate your life and memory.

You are watching from above

Your touch felt by ray of sun or touch of breeze.

Love you, forever and always, CareBear.

Let’s Own It

Here’s to all of you with chronic illnesses and conditions! During this latest flare (Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Piriformis Syndrome, IBS-C) plus additional infections (bacterial vaginosis and yeast infection), I looked at myself in the mirror and simply said:

“I am going to make sick look good!”

My chronic conditions have taken enough! I will embrace my “new” fragile self and continue to thank God every day for his strength and courage to allow Him to be seen through my weaknesses.

Rain Brings…

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Rain brings an increase in temperatures

As it washes snow off the lava…

Rain brings the wind blowing the tree limbs

While cascading the water down the glass…

Rain brings the storm from the Northwest

As it batters the roof and races down gutters…

Rain brings increased ringing in my ears

Drowning out external sounds with its deafening pitch…

Rain brings the joint pain out of remission

Removing the relief of the higher elevation…

Rain brings elevated pain levels

As my body screams out for it to end…

 

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