Looking out the window
I watch the leaves dance
In the gentle breeze…
Moving to and fro
The shades of color shift
From dark to light and back again…
The sun’s rays make the leaves glow
Reflecting the rays like colored mirrors
The radiance adding depth to the color…
The rays permeate the trees
Cascading through the leaves
To dissipate into the depths…
My eyes are drawn back
To those top most leaves
Dancing with the rays of the sun…
The beauty of the sky
The myriad of colors
The sounds of life abound
Even with the ever ringing in the ears…
It is as if I had been in a lifetime slumber
My senses forever dulled
Reaching upwards for help
While overwhelmed in quicksand…
Illness strips us of the familiar
We are thrust into the unknown
Each step taken as with a blindfold
Hands outstretched groping in darkness…
Our medical teams struggle
Conditions and illnesses so misunderstood
Further muddled by myriad of symptoms
Each of us so different from the other…
We search for answers
Yet try as we might
We find health elusive
Stripped from us and locked away
Secreted in the darkest, farthest corner…
We are tried and tested in ways indescribable
As words are a shallow testament
To the inner symptoms that abound
Forever changing and challenging…
Walls so familiar
Known by touch
As they prevent a fall
Become prison like
When confined for length of time…
There is safety here
Albeit superficial
As it cannot prevent dizziness
The hand holds are a comfort
To catch and to prevent harm…
Eyes unfocused
Through a thick veil of fog
I shuffle to my chair
Sunshine brightens the room…
The warmth of the rays
Reaching through the window
Allow my mind’s eye
To envision the shore…
I hear the water
In the fast flowing stream
Rushing past, racing ahead
Free and untethered…
Wave upon wave has hit
Driving my backwards
The sun offers hope
Its warmth reassurance
As I slowly move ahead…
A knock on the door
The bright smile of a friend
The exchange of hugs
To sit and talk
The walls dissolve…
No longer a prison
The walls provide safety
To allow much needed rest
To help increase strength
Albeit slowly…
Mindset is recharged
Embracing the colors
The small buds on the trees
The retreating snow
A body at peace…
The internal struggle
Forever raging within
The only thing for certain
Is the ever present pain…
Appearances are deceiving
Just as a smile hides the truth
The outer shell is a disguise
Causing questioning glances…
The mirror betrays
Reinforcing a false narrative
And reinforcing the changes
A reminder of all that is lost…
Guided by our self knowledge
We do our bestTo follow the narrow path
Strewn with boulders and potholes…
No amount of care
Prevents the impacts upon us
The frustration our family and friends endure
Hurting those most close to us…
Our hidden conditions and illnesses
Attempt to rob us of all
Destroy our finances
Replace what is taken with isolation…
We utilize the tools we have
Each carrying his own set
Medication, exercise, meditation just a few
Combined with family and friend support…
We are united to others
Similar paths shared
A brave front we will show
As we fight an unseen enemy…
Miriam-Webster’s definition “to irritate by constant scolding or urging”.
Now let us see, as we turn the mind’s eye inward,
I see the perfect parallel to our path with pain.
We are under the constant scourge
The overbearing pressure
With the constant knowing
That we are no longer in control.
It is not by our own volition
For we did not seek this fight
Nor did we ask for his assistance
Yet here we are, in league and alongside.
We are driven to depths unknown
We see and experience well beyond most
Yet we are driven to continue
To press forward, to endure.
Our path often misunderstood
For no-one except one of us
Can truly catch, or grasp, the meaning
Of our relationship with Pain.
For ours is a hidden path
One that is misunderstood
To bear what is cloaked
Unseen by the many.
We are charged to share
To shine, even a momentary light
To the hidden culprit
Who is urging us forward
Displaying our weakest moments to all.
It is our companion
Our ever present guide
Upon this path we did not seek
This that sets us a part from others.
It is our relationship with Pain
Our hidden struggle
That has forged a strong bond
No longer against….but with.
As a leaf on a tree
It’s bright vibrant green
Soaking up the sun
Full of health and vitality
It witnesses many days
The drip of the soft rain
That caresses its surface
Providing a refreshing cascade
The iridescent glow
Of droplets backlit with the sun
The season begins to change
The night becomes longer
No longer the brilliant green
It is now cloaked
In a coat of many colors
Brilliant orange and yellow
Drifting softly towards the ground
The wind catches and carries
Its precious load to the water
The swift running creek below
Caught by the breeze
The leaf falls
Back and forth it dances
With an unseen partner
Until it gently settles
On the surface of the waters
The incredible stabbing pain
Coursing through my groin
Burning as with flames
Eagerly licking the dry wood
Growing higher and hotter…
Thinking is muddled
As distraction is impossible
No measure of stillness
No medication can calm
The overwhelming sensations…
I cannot hide the grimaces
Moans escape on their own
For I am not aware that I made them
As the searing knives slice my flesh
And the ice picks pierce through…
Tears are not falling
Dry eyes hide the truth
That which is hidden from sight
No image depicts the war
That wages within…
If only the pain
Could be captured on X-ray or MRI
To be shown as the cruel dictator it is
The thief that has taken so much
Yet is never satisfied with its spoils…
To hope for a less painful tomorrow
Not knowing what will come
Grasping for breath to attempt to dispel
The downward spiral
Of a body out of control…
As the waves
Crash upon the shoreline
So the waves
Of pain cascade throughout
Transforming every nerve
Into a volatile eruption
Senses overwhelmed
As spasms wrack an all ready tired frame…
Relentless crashing against the rocks
The waves continue to pound
As a hammer yet without mercy
Pounding and changing the shoreline
Demonstrating such power
As it rewrites the coast line
So with the intensity of pain
Every fibre of our being
Crying out…rather screaming
Albeit a silent scream
Unheard by human ears…
Tide pools are hidden
As the waves come in
The tide ever rising
The sand disappearing
Its watery blanket
So the transmission of activity
Nerves not relentingThe grimace…the groan…
The feeling of weakness
The tears that well up
That refuse to fall
Release from the tight grip
Wishful thinking…forcing a bowed head
Prayers for relief
Just the slightest…please…
Waves continue
To batter the shore
The intensity will
It must refrain
This heightened level will not keep
As prayer for strength
To navigate this path…
The warmth of the fire
Gently heating the room
Creating a cozy feeling
That relaxes the mind…
Sitting in the recliner
With feet elevated
To best calm the stabbing
To help rest the throbbing
And aching that permeates the body…
Light pours through the window
Reflections from the snow
Ever brighten the early morning
The sun hidden behind the clouds
As if wrapped in a soft gray blanket…
Thoughts race in the mind
As ears ring in a deafening tone
Increasing in intensity
No amount of distraction
Can calm the turbulence within…
Eyes and heart are smiling
At the beauty of the day
The memories of a year almost done
Distractions viewed with appreciation…
A new year approaches
Hopes and opportunities abound…
As the current year comes to an end
We look back at the many twists and turns…
The struggles that have made us stronger
The events that have brought us closer…
What will the new year bring?
No one knows for sure…
Yet our hearts are filled with hope
With light hearts and open eyes…
We embrace the start
Of a year not yet written…
It is a renewal of sorts
To take place on another stage…
The paths that will open before us
The mountains we will climb…
The challenges that await us
Along with the joys and laughter…
Our illnesses and conditions
Will continue to be with us…
As we continue our battle
Our eyes more alert, our resolve strengthened…
Let us take advantage of this new year
To choose to be positive…
To resolve to appreciate those dear to us
To take every opportunity to say “Thank You…
To embrace our loved ones and friends
To say “I love you” with sincerity…
To refrain from anger
Instead breath deeply and count to ten…
To really listen to what is being said
Rather than thinking of what we will say…
To pray with our entire being
Instead of uttering memorized words…
To share smiles and laughter
To not allow pain to be our master…
To be thankful for our life
To embrace each door opened by Heavenly Father…
Knowing that He is with us
Every step of our journey…
Remembering the scripture, Isaiah 40:31 KJV:
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
We may not be able to walk far
We may be confined to our bed…
We may find ourselves fatigued
Unable to keep our eyes open…
Know that our spirit is renewed
Granted strength from Heavenly Father…
We can pray for those around us
We can lose ourself in reading the scriptures…
We can remember the trials of Job
And know that we are never alone…
So as this new year approaches
Let us each take pause…
To awake each day
With a thankful heart…
Mom Is Sick -- For Parents & Kids 
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