Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘random thoughts’

“Squirrel” Brain

This title makes me smile

As I attempt to relay my reality.

Complex sentences, vibrant words

I can see and feel…yet not express.

Words jumbled and sentences started

To be left hanging as I slowly shake my head.

Fibromyalgia and many of its “companions”

Overload my brain causing words to collide.

I pray for grace and strength

As I struggle to remain calm.

Images of “how it used to be”

Flashing in my mind’s eye like lightning.

Simple conversation and odd pauses

Exasperated by stress…good or bad.

Typing helps bridge this divide

As words appear on screen…

At the onset I had given myself permission

To write as if there were no grammatical rules.

My mind goes to our son when a Tiger Scout

An active mind so easily distracted…

Another mother summed it up — “Squirrel”

Attention span gone, the hunt is on.

Flighty and crafty, darting about

On the search for one of its stashes.

I smile when our teenager gently corrects

Better yet when he supplies the word I am unable to find.

Chronic illnesses/conditions force reform

Reminded of how we are but clay in the Potter’s hand.

Let go the frustration

Dive deeper into prayer…

Handing over the reigns

Trusting with our heart.

Deep breath taken

And laugh at the squirrel.

Loss

As my body calms from the latest Fibro Flare with additional infections that I am prone to have, I am riding an emotional roller coaster.

I know that I am not alone…

We arise each day to slight differences in our symptoms. Our hidden illnesses and conditions exacerbate our pollen/tree/etc. allergies, or rather overly sensitivity to said allergies.  The beauty of Spring comes full during May…flowers, trees with blossoms, bees buzzing, birds chirping…

I am hit with emotions…

April is coming to a close…May is on the horizon.

I used to find myself reminded of the short rhyme — “April showers bring May flowers”…this is especially true of the Pacific Northwest.  I look out the window to see the snow loosing its grip on the mountain and see the many buds on the trees outside.  Yes, May is approaching quickly…too quickly…

This roller coaster of emotions is not new…it has changed over time…it will continue to impact in different ways.

I am not alone in feeling this sense of loss…raw emotion…tears welling…memories are stirred…

I do not want to be reminded…

I could feel your presence yesterday afternoon…I was given the greatest relief of my stresses/worries. I was powerfully overwhelmed by the greatest peace. I had to smile! I could hear my sister’s voice… “You are such a Dork!  Remember that you handed the keys to God. Now step back and listen.”

You always knew what to say…accented of course by the eye roll…or the slight throw back of the head…

We will relive those emotions associated with our loss and Heaven’s gain…

We will each celebrate the memory of your life…my dearest sister, Carrie Murray…while we embrace those close to us.

Love you, forever and always, Sis!

Let’s Own It

Here’s to all of you with chronic illnesses and conditions! During this latest flare (Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Piriformis Syndrome, IBS-C) plus additional infections (bacterial vaginosis and yeast infection), I looked at myself in the mirror and simply said:

“I am going to make sick look good!”

My chronic conditions have taken enough! I will embrace my “new” fragile self and continue to thank God every day for his strength and courage to allow Him to be seen through my weaknesses.

Storms, Fibro & Chronic Pain

Those of us living with Fibromyalgia and its chronic pain (or chronic pain from other conditions) often find ourselves ravaged by a storm…literally! Scientists can argue that there is no relation…that it is not possible. Yet we know there is a link.

Our bodies shut down with no warning. Struck in the gut with a baseball bat. Then the pounding truly begins…every joint stabbing…headache is piercing. Every ounce of energy invoked to attempt movement…feet act as though they are trapped in the thickest mud…legs groan at the beleaguered motion.

Tears well in my eyes. I can barely manage a weak good night as I muster all effort into shuffling back to my bed. Past experience has taught me to not fight this demon. It is best to lie down…propped with pillows to provide as much relief as possible.

This will pass. I am hopeful for the morning as the worst of this storm will be over. My body will be exhausted and require additional rest.

This is a vicious cycle that so many of us live with…as we continue to battle our conditions and symptoms.

Rain Brings…

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Rain brings an increase in temperatures

As it washes snow off the lava…

Rain brings the wind blowing the tree limbs

While cascading the water down the glass…

Rain brings the storm from the Northwest

As it batters the roof and races down gutters…

Rain brings increased ringing in my ears

Drowning out external sounds with its deafening pitch…

Rain brings the joint pain out of remission

Removing the relief of the higher elevation…

Rain brings elevated pain levels

As my body screams out for it to end…

 

A “New” Tomorrow

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As the sun sets

Majestic colors blanket the sky

The clouds seemingly ablaze

Before giving way to darkness…

So goes my battle with chronic conditions

The intense battle of the past several years

Is giving way to renewed hope

The darkness of unimaginable pain

Has lost its heavy grasp…

So goes my battle with chronic pain

The heartfelt prayers of others

In tandem with my own

Clearly demonstrate God’s hand

As I find myself filled with great anticipation…

So goes my battle with life changing illness

The precious gift of understanding

Provided by my medical team

Peace is granted in knowing

There are no answers…

So goes my battle with unknown conditions

The complexity of ailments

Magnified by extremely, overly sensitive systems

Prevent the use of most medications

The few options have been skillfully used…

So goes my battle with controlling symptoms

Addressing conditions that could be calmed

Along with carefully choreographed days

Fan the flame of hope restored

To embrace my “new” altered self…

So goes my battle with my new reality

 

 

 

 

A Glimpse of the Unknown

Chronic illness and pain often leaves us feeling like we are driving a hazardous road in the blackest of nights in blinding snow.

I hear the tumultuous waves crashing nearby. My knuckles are white as I clinch the steering wheel ever tighter.

My body is overwhelmed, yet again, with increased stabbing pain and extremely overly sensitive skin…I am counting hours to my appointment tomorrow. A much needed refill to my pain pump and discussion of my latest MRI.

In the early morning hours, as I laid in bed feeling the pain ramping up, I prayed for a touch of relief…tears could not help but fall. I was granted a little more than an hour’s fitful sleep during which I was given an awesome dream.

I dreamt that I was clinging as tightly as I could to a rock as a storm raged around me…pounding pain, large hail stones striking exposed skin, winds whipping and tearing around me…every pore seemed to be screaming as the pain within was rising to the symphony around me. Then I opened my eyes to see that I was clinging to Jesus, his back taking the brunt of the forces.

I awoke with a renewed sense of hope…looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment…knowing that I am truly not alone…that my prayers are being heard.

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