The most difficult part of living with hidden illnesses/conditions like Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, IBS, etc. is trying to describe our conditions to those close to us. I created the attached PDF to demonstrate how complex these conditions and their associated symptoms are…
Posts tagged ‘random thoughts’
having or showing a tendency to be easily annoyed or made angry.
“she was tired and irritable”
synonyms: bad-tempered, short-tempered, irascible, tetchy, testy, touchy, grumpy, grouchy, moody, crotchety, in a (bad) mood, cantankerous, bilious, curmudgeonly, ill-tempered, annoyed, cross, ill-humored, peevish, fractious, pettish, crabby, bitchy, waspish, prickly, splenetic, dyspeptic, choleric; More
- MEDICINE(of a bodily part or organ) abnormally sensitive.
- MEDICINE(of a condition) caused by abnormal sensitivity.
I have been praying and reading scripture while wrestling with this beast. Many questions have come to mind:
- Is this a “new to me” Fibro Flare symptom?
- Is this the result of the intense stress of fighting for SS Disability (26 months to finally receive a “Favorable” decision)?
- Is it the result of being overwhelmed emotionally due to the “Favorable” decision?
- Is it a side effect of medication?
- Is it the after effect of changing medication?
- Is it the result of being home bound?
- Is it the result of frustration that the simple act of riding in a vehicle for any amount of time triggers a Fibro Flare?
- Is it from not getting enough sleep?
The questions could go on and on to other tangents as well. My attention span is close to nonexistent. I would liken it….to a young child…distractions are everywhere! The sights and sounds derail me all too easily.
All that is certain is that irritability is a foe!
Just as the thick cloak of night
Hides the shadow
My body belies the reality
Of the war raging within…
It is bejeweled by the glistening stars
Twinkling like diamonds
Forming well known constellations
Whose paths were set to motion eons ago…
The path of chronic pain is arduous
It tests us in ways unimaginable
It attacks physically, mentally, and emotionally
Showing no mercy and no predictability…
It taunts with images of yesterday
It teases with thoughts of “normalcy”
Reality check…pain is real…symptoms are real
Yesterday is our distant past…
The challenge now is to create
To embrace our limitations
This is our new reality
To embark upon a unique journey…
Reaching for the glass
Watching as if in slow motion
As if it is happening to someone else
The trance is broken…
…shattered glass abounds
Trapped in a body
No longer my own
Every fibre fighting against itself
Overwhelming weakness and fatigue…
Hopes and dreams
Day to day living
Is its own constant struggle…
Balancing the checkbook
Speaking clearly and succinctly
The ability to multitask…
Incomplete and jumbled
I stare feeling frustrated
Simple tasks to most
My mind no longer comprehends…
“Deodorant in second drawer…”
Absently looking into the mirror…
I slowly turn to leave the bathroom.
“Deodorant in second drawer…”
“Oh yes! I must brush my teeth!”
I turn back around
The early morning light
Cascading through the window.
I shuffle out the door…
“Oh yes! Must brush my teeth!”
I find myself in the bathroom again
My eyes happen upon the toothbrush
Hanging quietly, waiting…
Chills hit my body
Drawn to my reflection, again,
I forgot to put on my sweater!
I carefully navigate to the closet.
A glance around the bedroom
I smile as I move toward the bed
Reaching down to collect my soft fleece.
My mind is screaming,
“What did I need to do?”
A long, heavy sigh
I carefully put on the fleece
And begin my slow methodic walk
To my comfy recliner.
I stop part way down the hall,
Slowly shake my head
Another heavy sigh
As I continue to my recliner.
My body falls into the chair,
Feet up with body stabbing and throbbing
I pull the blanket over me;
Waiting for the worst of the pain
To ease enough to rest my aching body.
I find myself as if frozen in time,
“Oh man!! I forgot to put on deodorant!”
I had the pleasure of having visitors yesterday. Being primarily homebound, it truly brightens my day! It provides contact when we are on the sidelines…it is a blessing to be taken out of the day-to-day normal.
During our conversation we talked about how school was going for our kids, they shared their struggles as families to adjust to the new schedules which now include sports activities, practice, homework. Observing their dedication as wives and mothers, I was struck by a powerful thought…”Do they realize how blessed they are?”
I sat listening…mesmerized by thoughts of going to a HS Football game, driving kids to various activities, preparing family meals. It was like a movie playing out those words as images flew past…again the powerful thought…”Do they realize how blessed they are?”
My brain has been so very thick with brain fog or Fibro Fog that it is next to impossible to put words to my thoughts. It has been a huge challenge to speak…but I could not ignore the seed that had been planted.
I am compelled to share some of these blessings:
- Having more than one child. (Do not take this wrong…being a parent of an only child is a huge blessing also!)
- Driving your children to activities. (It is truly amazing to be able to get into your car and go! No day before and day of resting and naps to have enough stamina…not to mention the required ability to focus.)
- Preparing family meals. (This act takes SO much energy…only the simplest of meals is made in our household…and that is after hours of rest.)
- Attending after school activities like a HS Football game. (This is a dream…to be able to drive to the game…to walk to the bleachers…to sit and cheer.)
What can appear to us as routine, mundane or hectic is often a blessing in disguise. It can take losing one’s health to fully realize the every day blessings that surround us.
Looking out the window
I watch the leaves dance
In the gentle breeze…
Moving to and fro
The shades of color shift
From dark to light and back again…
The sun’s rays make the leaves glow
Reflecting the rays like colored mirrors
The radiance adding depth to the color…
The rays permeate the trees
Cascading through the leaves
To dissipate into the depths…
My eyes are drawn back
To those top most leaves
Dancing with the rays of the sun…