Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘random thoughts’

A Glimpse of the Unseen

Chronic illness and pain often leaves us feeling like we are driving a hazardous road in the blackest of nights in blinding snow.

I hear the tumultuous waves crashing nearby. My knuckles are white as I clinch the steering wheel ever tighter.

My body is overwhelmed, yet again, with increased stabbing pain and extremely overly sensitive skin…I am counting hours to my appointment tomorrow. A much needed refill to my pain pump and discussion of my latest MRI.

In the early morning hours, as I laid in bed feeling the pain ramping up, I prayed for a touch of relief…tears could not help but fall. I was granted a little more than an hour’s fitful sleep during which I was given an awesome dream.

I dreamt that I was clinging as tightly as I could to a rock as a storm raged around me…pounding pain, large hail stones striking exposed skin, winds whipping and tearing around me…every pore seemed to be screaming as the pain within was rising to the symphony around me. Then I opened my eyes to see that I was clinging to Jesus, his back taking the brunt of the forces.

I awoke with a renewed sense of hope…looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment…knowing that I am truly not alone…that my prayers are being heard.

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A Flare Like No Other

Unrelenting pain

Coursing through every cell

The slightest touch exacerbates

Pressure from the softest cloth

Becomes a knife with serrated blade…

Skin crawling

Interrupted by nausea

Hunched over by the cramping

Right arm and shoulder on fire

My body a living pin cushion…

The light is overwhelming

Yet the darkest room offers no relief

No comfort to be found

A headache begins to form

Sensations are racing to and fro…

The intensity of symptoms

Raging and fighting…vying for attention

My brain is on overload

Waves of pain bombard me

My body sinks into the depths…

I take pause

To breathe deeply

Soft spoken words

Pleading for the slightest of relief

Peace comes to my mind…

My symptoms still enraged

As I am enveloped

By a sense of calm

Like a thick blanket

Renewing strength and focus…

 

 

Another Scan Completed

Halloween morning I was scheduled for a Gastric Emptying Scan to see if my stomach is also involved in my GI issues.  I can hear the question all ready…”why did it take so long”?

Like so many with chronic conditions/illnesses, we are dealing with a number of disorders/syndromes that have a lot of overlapping symptoms.  In my case, the precursor was fissure trouble from a very young age.  These fissures were just the beginning of a long, hard path of acquiring diagnosis after diagnosis.  Strewn with procedures, further testing and surgeries.

This latest step is a “gift” from my current pain pump.  My GI Specialist would not have ordered today’s scan without my being able to specifically describe my continued GI issues with him.  This ability to determine (or better word — guesstimate) what condition/illness is the forerunner led to my realization that there is something going on that has not been addressed!  These continued issues of bloating, stomach pain, abdominal cramps were subtly different.  It was almost camouflaging itself as an IBS flare…yet, again…there was a nagging difference.

Fast forward to this morning’s scan.  This test was quite different from others in the past. No clothing had to be removed…would have been able to keep my coat on if I felt more comfortable in it!  It started with eating some “radioactive” eggs.  By the second bite, my body remembered that taste…albeit in a different format — thick shake and also a more liquid variation.

I remember looking at the bowl, afraid that I would not be able to eat it all.  I asked the technician how much was necessary for the scan.  His response was a few more bites.  Yeah!!  I managed to get enough down to head into another room for the scan.

Lying flat on the table, arms close to my sides, I was slid into position.  A boxlike piece was then lowered (which required some self talk to calm my PTSD).  The images were gathered in minutes.  I didn’t have to hold my breath or alter it in any way!

This scan process was performed roughly every 50 minutes.  So in between scans, I was wheeled back out to the waiting room (thankful that I had my comfy wheelchair)!  It can take up to 4 scans…thankfully, I only required 3!

The hardest part of this scan was not being able to take the oral pain med.  Thankfully my pain pump was doing its job! Would have never made it through this without it.

A Sense of Humor

Struck by the irony

I couldn’t help smile

Another lesson learned

With laughter from my mouth…

I knew this flare would hit

That it was going to overwhelm

No matter the preparations

No amount of rest would change it…

This morning I was given a gift

Unexpected and of great impact

Providing a brief window

To step outside of the intolerable pain…

I had done my part

Resting as much as possible

In anticipation of riding in the rig

To enjoy some time with my hubby and son…

There is truly no way to prepare

My body is its own prison

Yet it will not prevent me

From holding tight to opportunities with repercussion…

This path of chronic conditions/illnesses and pain

Is fraught with boulders, sheer cliffs, downed trees and more

Obstacles unimagined from the mind of health

It becomes the ultimate learning tool…

With overwhelming pain

Stabbing, searing, burning and tearing

Stomach cramping, blurry vision and headache

Lying down and praying for relief…

This flare will ease in time

Symptoms will once again manifest

In a more “orderly” fashion

Depending upon the combination of conditions…

I had gone to bed early

Anything touching my skin

Exacerbating my pain level

Simple prayer to beg for rest…

I knew I would be home bound

Legs heavy with slow methodical gait

Symptoms scream at the top of their lungs

A brief thought of riding in the rig…

Images immediately flash in my mind

Like viewing a video

I see myself saying a simple prayer

I am reminded of my promise to rest…

Caught and called out

I laugh and nod my head

Again amazed by an awesome God

Who shared some humor with me…

 

Living with Hidden Conditions

The most difficult part of living with hidden illnesses/conditions like Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, IBS, etc. is trying to describe our conditions to those close to us.  I created the attached PDF to demonstrate how complex these conditions and their associated symptoms are…

LivingwithHiddenIllness

Irritable

The definition and synonyms per Dictionary.com are presented as follows:
ir·ri·ta·ble
adjective

having or showing a tendency to be easily annoyed or made angry.

“she was tired and irritable”
synonyms: bad-tempered, short-tempered, irascible, tetchy, testy, touchy, grumpy, grouchy, moody, crotchety, in a (bad) mood, cantankerous, bilious, curmudgeonly, ill-tempered, annoyed, cross, ill-humored, peevish, fractious, pettish, crabby, bitchy, waspish, prickly, splenetic, dyspeptic, choleric; More

  • MEDICINE
    (of a bodily part or organ) abnormally sensitive.
  • MEDICINE
    (of a condition) caused by abnormal sensitivity.

I have been praying and reading scripture while wrestling with this beast.  Many questions have come to mind:

  • Is this a “new to me” Fibro Flare symptom?
  • Is this the result of the intense stress of fighting for SS Disability (26 months to finally receive a “Favorable” decision)?
  • Is it the result of being overwhelmed emotionally due to the “Favorable” decision?
  • Is it a side effect of medication?
  • Is it the after effect of changing medication?
  • Is it the result of being home bound?
  • Is it the result of frustration that the simple act of riding in a vehicle for any amount of time triggers a Fibro Flare?
  • Is it from not getting enough sleep?

The questions could go on and on to other tangents as well. My attention span is close to nonexistent. I would liken it….to a young child…distractions are everywhere! The sights and sounds derail me all too easily.

All that is certain is that irritability is a foe!

 

The War Within

Just as the thick cloak of nightIMG_7978

Hides the shadow

My body belies the reality

Of the war raging within…

It is bejeweled by the glistening stars

Twinkling like diamonds

Forming well known constellations

Whose paths were set to motion eons ago…

The path of chronic pain is arduous

It tests us in ways unimaginable

It attacks physically, mentally, and emotionally

Showing no mercy and no predictability…

It taunts with images of yesterday

It teases with thoughts of “normalcy”

Reality check…pain is real…symptoms are real

Yesterday is our distant past…

The challenge now is to create

To embrace our limitations

This is our new reality

To embark upon a unique journey…

 

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