Embracing life with chronic pain.

Posts tagged ‘religion’

Laser Focus

Beware of the steady focus on pain alone

For pain is not the only symptom we battle

Yet pain’s voice can be the loudest

Blaring over all others…

Or worse yet, swallowing them into itself

The headache, the abdominal cramps, the stabbing in the feet

Forced to feed into the great voice called Pain…

Those with softer voices yet carrying horrifying weapons of their own

Like bloating, muscle spasms, brain fog, blurry vision, burning sensations

Are carried away on pain’s current, and its need to be in the forefront…

We must remember each one of our conditions

For each one carries its own set of symptoms

Oftentimes overlapping thus covering up the condition responsible…

This masking and blurring, often made worse by our medications

Further weakens the voices the need to be heard and understood

To better assist us in dealing with what condition is truly at the front…

While remembering that each day, each moment

We have no control…none whatsoever…except how we deal with the voices

Attempting to listen harder so that we might better strike at the source…

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Irritable

The definition and synonyms per Dictionary.com are presented as follows:
ir·ri·ta·ble
adjective

having or showing a tendency to be easily annoyed or made angry.

“she was tired and irritable”
synonyms: bad-tempered, short-tempered, irascible, tetchy, testy, touchy, grumpy, grouchy, moody, crotchety, in a (bad) mood, cantankerous, bilious, curmudgeonly, ill-tempered, annoyed, cross, ill-humored, peevish, fractious, pettish, crabby, bitchy, waspish, prickly, splenetic, dyspeptic, choleric; More

  • MEDICINE
    (of a bodily part or organ) abnormally sensitive.
  • MEDICINE
    (of a condition) caused by abnormal sensitivity.

I have been praying and reading scripture while wrestling with this beast.  Many questions have come to mind:

  • Is this a “new to me” Fibro Flare symptom?
  • Is this the result of the intense stress of fighting for SS Disability (26 months to finally receive a “Favorable” decision)?
  • Is it the result of being overwhelmed emotionally due to the “Favorable” decision?
  • Is it a side effect of medication?
  • Is it the after effect of changing medication?
  • Is it the result of being home bound?
  • Is it the result of frustration that the simple act of riding in a vehicle for any amount of time triggers a Fibro Flare?
  • Is it from not getting enough sleep?

The questions could go on and on to other tangents as well. My attention span is close to nonexistent. I would liken it….to a young child…distractions are everywhere! The sights and sounds derail me all too easily.

All that is certain is that irritability is a foe!

 

Completely Unprepared

No matter our chronic condition/illness, our lives and the lives of those around us are forever altered.  We are stressed to our breaking point. The emotional toll overwhelms. We are in the midst of the most intense storm of our life.

We are tested at what feels to be beyond our limits as we battle our way through the health care system, working with our doctors to find some sort of relief to allow us to have a life of some kind…our loved ones and those close to us witness this first hand.

We embark on a new journey that is dictated by our bodies…grieving who we were and had hoped to be. We struggle to adapt…to accept the fact that we might be home bound, unable to drive, barely able to maintain good hygiene…yet we do.

Like me, you might have to fight for SS Disability.  Even with the assistance of an advocate/lawyer, this can be an arduous task.  My route went through denials…to a hearing…taking 26 months to finally have the Judge rule in my favor.  All the while, watching our resources dwindle to nothing.

I am thankful to be at this last step…awaiting the formal notification that will verify the monthly payment and solidify medical coverage.  Yet I am bereft of emotion…feeling hollow, raw…an empty shell…praying for this wave to settle quickly…knowing that this journey is far from over.

Week One — Cymbalta Free

What a whirlwind this past week has been! I have experienced electric shocks and electric zaps (a slow-motion form of the fast shocks), intense nausea, insomnia followed by sleeping all day –unable to wake, thick brain fog, inability to use the correct words when attempting to speak…not to mention the symptoms of my conditions thrown into the mix!!

Yesterday was the worst for pain that I have ever experienced. Yes…you read that right!  Mere words cannot relay the reality, yet I must try.  It is SO important that we know and absolutely believe that we are not alone in dealing with our hidden illnesses/conditions.

Yesterday brought tears to me eyes, truly crying because the pain was so extensive, so overbearing, so excruciating. Every single inch of my body was screaming at the top of its lungs: exaggerated pain from touch (clothing, slight breeze from the ceiling fan), Tinnitus volume turned up on high, stabbing and throbbing sensations coursing up and down my legs.  It was hard to differentiate from the symptoms of my Fibromyalgia/Polyarthralgia/Chronic Pain Disorder/Neuralgia/IBS-D/etc. and those produced by the absence of the Cymbalta.

This morning brought a huge sigh of relief!  There is a true difference in my body today.  I am experiencing the symptoms of my conditions…albeit they are still higher than my “normal”, would be categorized as a “Fibro Flare”…yet I feel that they will slowly settle…settle enough for my Pain Specialist to make further adjustments as needed to my pain pump.

What a rough ride! I am sure that I will still have some issues arise, however, it is uplifting to know that the first week following the last dosage is the most difficult. One step at a time…one day at a time.

 

The Example of Job

A summary of the story of Job from SparkNotes: Bible: The Old Testament: Job reads as follows:

“He is “blameless” and “upright,” always careful to avoid doing evil (Job 1:1). One day, Satan (“the Adversary”) appears before God in heaven. God boasts to Satan about Job’s goodness, but Satan argues that Job is only good because God has blessed him abundantly. Satan challenges God that, if given permission to punish the man, Job will turn and curse God. God allows Satan to torment Job to test this bold claim, but he forbids Satan to take Job’s life in the process.”

sparknotes.com/…ldtestament/character/god

I am sure this summary brings back memories of Sunday School, sermons, church camp and/or youth group. It may raise questions in your mind that were or were not answered. It may still have that element of surrealism, confusion or doubt that was initially in our mind. After all, this is a story of a man…a normal man just like you and me…being held up as a challenge to God by Satan.

Having been primarily homebound for just over two years due to my chronic health conditions, I have had a lot of time to pray, to surf the web, to read (when Fibro Fog is not  too thick), to watch TV… Distraction has been a powerful tool to assist with my daily struggles.

I have found that my perspective of God, Satan, and Job have changed during the many years of chronic pain and the plethora of symptoms that come with Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, Neuralgia, and the like. This change of perspective  has come about because of the deepening of my Faith, of the miraculous events I have witnessed, and just the overall increase in knowledge that the journey of life has provided.

My thoughts of Job have changed from wondering how a good God allows evil and human suffering to exist or why God is so concerned with humanity while appearing to focus on our faults and punishing us to focusing more on the relationships that are in play.

Reading the story of Job with this adjustment to my mindset finds me awed by the friendship that Job had with God. Think of it! God was confident in the relationship that He had with Job!  Job was faithful in worshipping God, he prayed to God, he spoke to God — sharing his thoughts, fears, frustrations, joys, and disappointments.

Prayer Warriors

I understand that not everyone believes in God or in prayer; however, I am a strong believer.  There have just been things that I have experienced that could be explained no other way.

We often ask our friends and family to pray for us.  There is comfort in knowing that saint-jude-1606173_1280there are prayers being made on our behalf as we deal with crises, illnesses, chronic health conditions, sicknesses, surgeries, etc.  Yet we often sell ourselves short on all of the prayers sources available to us.

Being Catholic, there are so many Saints that are able to pray for us.  We do not pray to them; we ask them to pray for us…just like our friends and family.  Further we can always ask those dearly departed family and friends to pray for us as well.  Before you know it, there is a swell of prayers being raised to assist us in our time of need.

praying-hands-2535750_1280Of course, none of this takes place of our
personal prayers that are placed to our Heavenly Father through Jesus Christ.  There is a calming influence as we “unload” confess wrong doings, express our concerns, pains, sadness…as well as all that we are thankful for.

As we express ourselves, we are provided the opportunity to send up a “thank you” for all of those that have said prayers for us…and ask for Heavenly Father’s blessings for them also!

The Unseen Hand

IMG_7697The leaves shimmer

Moving up and down

Reflecting the brilliance of the sun…

Suddenly the branches join in

The smallest of movements

Grow into waves…

The hammock begins to sway

Gentle movements encouraged

By the unseen power of the wind…

My mind is drawn to a parallel

Of how our lives are influenced

By an Unseen Hand…

Some welcome the influence

Yearn to draw it closer

To strive to feel the push and pull…

Some are caught off guard

Stretched to the limit

To attempt to believe the unseen…

Still others are like stone

Unable to feel its touch

It goes unheeded as if not there…

The evidence is all around

It is in the smallest grain of sand

To the brightest star in the sky…

We need just close our eyes

And quiet our minds

To feel His presence…

 

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