Yes…we can feel trapped! We understand better than most the frailty and limitations of our bodies due to the chronic illness and chronic conditions we are living with. There are definitely times that I feel “trapped”. The overwhelming sensations (pain, itching, burning, muscle spasms, extreme fatigue) are driving me crazy!
I scratch….I still itch! I hurt and ache all over. My hubby has rubbed my feet and calves……just can’t rub them enough! The burning in my shoulders and back…..my arms, hands, wrists, fingers…..the joints just hurt so badly.
There is nothing anyone can do! I am powerless! All I can do is relax and allow my body to express itself. I understand that I am in for the long haul. It will take time….months very possibly more than that until my body develops a rhythm. I understand that I will not be in control….ever…..that there will always be times when my body is “out of control”.
I am just trying to come “to grips” with knowing that I have been given this body. Yes….I am now more “trapped” it would seem! I know that I will learn to somehow manage a schedule of sorts. I will some day be able to have some exercise and then be able to rest and proceed with the day.
But in the mean time? Yes….it is hard….at times it does not seem fair. However, I know that God is ultimately in control. All is happening for a reason. Somehow this is all going to work out.
For now, I know that my body is dictacting and forcing me to allow others to help me. This is good! (Even though it is hard!) It is a challenge not feeling well….it is hard to just lie down….to just relax and do nothing. Yet the body will not allow anything else!
: ) I am reminded….”this too shall pass”…..and it will! This torrent of overwhelming sensations will subside….there will be a day when the sensations, the pain will be more manageable….more tolerable than it is now.
There has been a lot of stress at work due to coworkers giving notice and the subsequent hiring and training involved. As the office Manager, the training falls squarely on my shoulders. As any of you in my position know, you get to balance doing your workload while training and making sure that everything else necessary to run the office is taken care of.
Add to this scenario, our outside activities ramping up…..son now in Karate, Wednesday Night Church (Youth Class), and Cub Scouts…..not to mention it is now Blacktail season…..so we are trying to get some hunting in as well.
You guessed it! I have caught the cold/crud going around our area! Thursday late afternoon, I could feel the tell-tell scratch in my throat…..then the headache and nasty pressure in my sinuses. I came home and said that I am definitely sick! Our son asked “you’re sick?” And I told him yes.
The next morning I could tell that he was a bit worried. He asked me a couple of times “are you okay?” Then it dawned on me! He was worried that I was “sick” again! He was not understanding that all I am dealing with is a simple, head cold/sore throat.
I was able to calm his fears quickly. “No, I am not having problems like before! I have a head cold and sore throat…..my body is just tired from this…..and my body does not like the medicine that I have to take for the symptoms.” There was immediate relief on his face! “Oh! I thought you were “sick” again, Mom!”
Oh he questioned me Friday when I got home about how I was doing. He was glad to see that I sat under a blanket and rested Saturday….he did check on me……kept track of how I am feeling……it is without that serious worry now though.
And, yes…..I learned a valuable lesson! I need to take the time to explain to him what is wrong if I am not feeling well. Even though I have had a great year…..(no surgeries or serious incidents)……all that I have been through is still very fresh in his mind. More than I had realized!
Upon returning to “normal”, I am faced with a new dilemma. What is “normal”?
My prior sick self had its definition…..its idea of what normal should be.
My body before illness overwhelmed had its own idea.
Now…..having endured the years of pain…struggle….
Although laced with awesome achievement….like the wonderful gift of our son……
I am now struck….who ever thought of the idea of “normal”….let alone the idea of what to expect for one’s life?
Life is truly how we embrace our daily challenges…our decisions….how we interact with those around us.
Most importantly….it is taking back our “right” to experience our life with our loves ones…..our family….our friends…..and in reaching out to those around us.