Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘Sister’

Precious Memories

It was 5 years ago today that my parents received the call. Carrie and Billy were in an accident. Carrie died at the scene and Billy was in hospital. All I could think of was getting to the hospital to see both of them! Just wanted to give Billy hugs and talk or sit.

Ally was able to meet me at the hospital to go in and see Carrie. Very emotional yet so reassuring! We could both tell that she is in heaven and just a shell remains.

Her Celebration of life and burial were amazing! All of those whose lives she had touch! Those from the law firm where she had been hired arrived in a bus! So many friends and family! Truly touched me.

Fast forward to today.

Our hearts will feel heavy today as someone so dear so endearing would be taken from us.

Yet Carrie’s legacy is living on through our memories, pictures, stories and her Memorial Scholarship awarded each year by University of Oregon Law School in her name. Students learn about Carrie and for 3 years now have been award the scholarship in her honor. Each one is touched by Carrie and so thankful!

I love seeing her picture and that smile! I will always hear her laugh and voice in my heart. She is part of us and always be so!

Love you forever and always Dear CareBear…

The Beacon


The beautiful lighthouse at Newport, Oregon. Brings back such awesome memories! A weekend of baseball shared with my Sis!

State of Disbelief 

I awoke today

With my mind a blur…

Looking at you

Your picture behind glass…

Waves of emotion

Well up from within…

Hit again with the reality

That you are with Heavenly Father…

My mind fights reality

As I want to awake…

Awake from this dream

To once again have you with us…

Always in My Heart


The moment you entered my life

My first impression of you curled in that bassinet

Will be forever frozen in time…..

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I close my eyes to see

The curly blond, blue eyed toddler

Smiling as she gives me a gift of painted rocks….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I feel the rain

As we traipsed through

The streets of Washington, D.C….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I laugh at the stories

Of you and our brother

With frozen eyes in New York City…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I am also giggling

At the stories of road travel

Especially trying to get into Canada…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I am reminded of

Your “twin”….your friend from birth

As I took care of you both in the Church Nursery…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I smile at the memory of your

Shared birthday celebration in Roseburg

With your precious friend you so wanted me to meet…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Those many phone calls

Talks of concern about grades…about life….

Decisions to be made…..reassurance and hope….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Your look of disbelief

When I said he feels the same

For I saw how he looked at you…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

The doting Aunt

Whose nephew and niece

Looked at you as one who walked on water….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

Somehow you always knew

The right word…the right touch….the right insight

To help….to guide….to enlighten…to share…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

I often wondered how

You could do so much

In such a short amount of time…

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

You are the most precious gift

Given from our Father above

Thank you for your love…your laugh….your insights….

Will Forever be Always in my Heart…

One Year Ago Today…

Love You Forever and Always

One year ago today our lives changed forever. Our hearts stopped that day….broken….with many tears shed….
Disbelief…emptiness…hollowness inside…yet a quiet strength permeated the air….

For our Dad…a special blessing had been given…”It Is Well With My Soul”…giving strength to endure the as yet unknown….

That phone call will forever reverberate in my heart and soul…falling short…not able to protect you as I had sworn to do…

Knowing that I had to get to you as quickly as possible….to be by the side of your boyfriend…

You gave me insight…I cannot explain…to hug you and hold you….to kiss your brow…to touch you and stroke your hair….

In my mind I kept pleading…just sit up…open those beautiful blue eyes…I kept waiting for you to start laughing…to show that you truly had the last laugh….

This past year has brought heartaches…restless nights…soul searching…pain…laughter…joy…tears…

Each of us is walking a path….not the one that we had hoped for…..not the one we had dreamed of…..

Each of us has been struggling as we have been forced to face a reality…a new reality without your physical presence. 

I may be laboring the fact…it is just so hard to express…to share the depth of the void that I now have….the hollow space within me that will forever be vacant…until we are reunited…

I do treasure the wonderful relationships…the friendships…the endearments you have forever joined….

Yet…I know that each of us would gladly give our today and tomorrow…for one more precious day with you!

I love you so much! Love you…forever and always!!!

Wonderful Words

One of my Sister’s dearest friends wrote something so wonderful….so meaningful for anyone who has lost someone Dear to them!  I had to share this!!

Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped in to the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Wear no sadness. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we had, you know there were many. Smile, think of me, pray for me. Life means all that it has ever meant, I wish I was at here with you. This death was just an accident. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for a time. I miss you so much, but all is well my beautiful friend. Words come to me. I look up toward heaven and I talk to you as if you are sitting next to me. You are eternally close in my heart and my every day thoughts. I miss you so incredibly much. My heart struggles to heal. Merry Christmas in heaven. 🎄🎅🏻🙏🏻🎆

Twice the Grief

I read an interesting article regarding Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome….the fact that these are life changing conditions….these greatly misunderstood chronic pain conditions are “for life”…..

In simple terms….the person we were before the diagnoses no longer exists….these conditions permanently determine our actions….in my case I have had to quit my job, relocate my family to a different state….all in the hope that in the long run….my symptoms will settle down to allow a simple life that is interrupted with occasional flares.

My hopes are simple….to be able to do a short walk….to be able to drive to the store…these will take time (I am prepared for the long haul)…..

Yet along this path…I have also lost my Baby Sis (as many of you who follow my blogs know)……so I am not only dealing with the grief of having lost my Sis and best friend…..I am grieving the loss of me! The me that used to be able to run….to hike….to drive….to take care of others….to fish….to hunt (yes…I have not given this up….just much more difficult as a Handicapped Hunter who must stay in the rig)…

This knowledge has really hit home! It has helped me to better understand another level to the stresses that my body is dealing with….the additional weight that is facilitating the continuation of the severity of my symptoms.

I hope that this “new” knowledge will help me to be more patient with myself…to better understand how to slow my world down so that I can come out the other side with limitations and less debilitation.

Life Is Tough!

I SO wish that life was easier!  I enjoyed the past when I could count on all family and friends….we enjoyed teasing each other….laughing as if there were no tomorrow!

Now I know the painful truth…I know the loss of a loved one….the sudden, tragic loss of a precious life! 

My Baby Sis!  She was just starting to experience the prime of life!  A recent graduate of the U of O Law School (first in her class!)….enjoying life with the Love of her life!!!

The future cut short….I cry…..and scream….

Life is SO frustrating!  I so wish my Sis could have her future!  The grand tomorrow with her Law Firm and her Partner! 

I sit here…struggling…dealing with the pain of my reality.  I wish that I could somehow hold a candle to my Baby Sis!  

I struggle with the incapacitating pain of Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, and yet to be determined diagnosis!

I would trade….knowing her impact on all those around her!  I do feel guilt as the big Sis who was supposed to protect.

A horrific overflow of emotions!  I want my Sis! I miss my Sis!  I feel responsible!

Next Chapter

It is so hard to describe the feelings….that I am experiencing as I move forward with my Husband and son to the next chapter of our lives!

We each have a huge hole that will always be present due to the death of my Sister. So hard….such a huge part of me!!!!

I gave notice at work….my health had been spiraling downhill….only to be magnified when my Sis, Carrie, died!

Our house is almost completely packed in UHaul trailers. We will leave the Oregon Coast Wednesday morning. 

We enjoyed a wonderful lunch today with my parents, my brother and his beautiful wife, and my Sister’s partner!  So good to seem them!  To exchange hugs…laughs….to talk…to share!!!

We each are hurting….aching….we feel that part that is missing…..we each miss our “Carrie” SO much!

Yet…WE…together….are strong!  Carrie brought us together…..together we build each other up!  We have been united to give each of us more strength.

I am having a hard time describing all of these emotions that are coursing through me!  I cannot express myself!  I can feel Carrie’s love and concern for Keith, Rachel, Jayson, Crystal, Mom & Dad….her love and protection for Steven and Sophie…….

I feel her LOVE….her pain….for her BELOVED!  The overall emotions are coursing through my veins! 

I KNOW my SIS loved her boyfriend more than words can express!

I also know that they were never allowed the opportunity to TRULY express their love!

I am still at a complete loss!!!!

I am moving forward…because of my Sis!  Yet!  I am overtaken…..I am not worthy to continue….to carry the “banner” for her!!  Yet…somehow?! She considered me a confidante!

My ONLY hope is to be a strength to others…..to share the power that my Sis had with others!

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