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Posts tagged ‘thoughts’

Awake?!?!

The beauty of the sky

The myriad of colors

The sounds of life abound

Even with the ever ringing in the ears…

It is as if I had been in a lifetime slumber

My senses forever dulled

Reaching upwards for help

While overwhelmed in quicksand…

Illness strips us of the familiar

We are thrust into the unknown

Each step taken as with a blindfold

Hands outstretched groping in darkness…

Our medical teams struggle

Conditions and illnesses so misunderstood

Further muddled by myriad of symptoms

Each of us so different from the other…

We search for answers

Yet try as we might

We find health elusive

Stripped from us and locked away

Secreted in the darkest, farthest corner…

We are tried and tested in ways indescribable

As words are a shallow testament

To the inner symptoms that abound

Forever changing and challenging…

 

Mindfulness

My Clinical Psychologist introduced me to a powerful tool to add to my arsenal. It is called “mindfulness”:

“A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

She walked me through a breathing exercise…complete focus on the breath itself…feeling the cooled air entering my nose…feeling it hit the back of the throat…feeling the rise in my chest as the air enters the lungs…feeling a second, subtle rise of the chest before exhaling…feeling the warmth of the air as it leaves the body.

I was then read a short story about washing dishes, from “The Miracle of Mindfulness”….I will share just one paragraph that sums up the idea of mindfulness very well…

“…If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not ‘washing the dishes to wash the dishes.’ What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future — and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.”

I applied this during my walk outside this morning. I took the time to not just see the sun…but to, really, “see” it! I felt its warmth…the rays touching my skin…the brightness shining…the reflection on the leaves. I felt the slight breeze…ever so gently twisting and turning the leaves in the trees…the slight movement of my shirt being pressed against my skin…the movement of the hairs on my arms…

It was truly amazing!! My focus was dramatically shifted…momentarily transported into the present time…fully embracing and experiencing what was happening around and to me.

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3 1/2 Weeks Post Op

It is now 3 1/2 weeks post pain pump surgery! I have been amazed at how fast my body is healing. I have also been amazed at how quickly the swelling in my lower tummy went away. The butterfly bandages that the pain specialist placed over my surgical areas are still in place.  I have noticed just a slight loosening of a couple of them on my tummy.  No worries…supposed to let them fall off when they get loose.

I let my body dictate my actions. Let myself sleep in as long as I need….some mornings I am awake at 5…sometimes 6…I try to get up before 7.  I am making an effort to walk about the house a couple times a day…goal of 2-3 minutes…resting for an hour afterwards. A nap in the afternoon is still a must!  I find that I am sleeping for 2-3 hours…very solid and hard sleep.

I still have to give in and go to bed between 7:30 and 8 PM…to just lie down with pillow under my legs.  I take advantage of this quiet time to read or work a puzzle.  This down time has worked well to allow me to fall off into a good hard sleep.

We have definitely set what I think is the perfect balance of the pain pump and my current oral medication levels.  When I go back in (in about 1 1/2 weeks), my doctor will again increase the pain pump level so we can continue to cut back the oral meds.

This is such an exciting time! It is SO awesome to be working toward a goal…an achievable goal!  It is SO rare for those of us with chronic pain from Fibromyalgia or the like to actually be able to be in this situation!!

Now don’t get me wrong…I fully realize the path that is forming in front of me will be a long and arduous one.  I know it will be years to regain some muscle…as all muscle is gone for having been homebound for so long. Even with this realization, my excitement is not diminished!

Emotions

Below the surface

Threatening to erupt

writing-with-pen

The inevitable struggle

Whether recognized or not…

Why is there such stigma

An artificial wall per se

Associated with our feelings

That cause me to hide…

For some emotions are friends

The ability to interact

To easily express

I think you have a special gift…

To me the intensity

The incredible raw power

Harnessed within its grasp

I would rather not feel…

I channel in pieces

Through writing

The emotions that

Are churning within…

Patience

As day nine post pain pump surgery begins, it strikes me that my pain specialist really did a great job in preparing me for this! I truly was ready to be homebound for the first two weeks. I was mentally ready to be patient with the process! What a thought!!

My thoughts are still muddled at times…very hard to keep on track. Yet…I can just smile and breath deeply…there is nothing that I have to do…except allow my body the time to heal….allow the scar tissue to build near the pain pump and the catheter.

I am able to step outside now…slowly and carefully with my walker. I do not venture very far…it is just a few steps to feel the touch of the sun on my skin…feel the slight breeze…see the brilliant colors! This is a treat that I enjoy once a day…in the mid morning. It is perfectly timed between rest breaks.

I am thankful that I am able to listen to my body…to sleep when I need to…to relax in my recliner (sitting in the chair…cannot put the foot rest up yet).  My chair is just high and firm enough that I can get to a standing position with my walker as support. I know that I am not yet ready to sit or lie down on the couch.

I am getting anxious for my follow up appointment…I am excited to hear the plan my pain specialist has in mind…it will be interesting to see just how easy it is to remain patient! : )

One Week Post Op

Hopefully I will not scare any of you!  LOL

I thought it appropriateIMG_7560 to post proof that sleep can happen!  Thus the wonderful “bed head” picture!

I have almost no memory of yesterday. It was one of those days that sleep overtook everything.

I did exactly what my body demanded and curled up in bed. I did not even think of combatting the heavy eyelids.

It was actually very freeing to just give in and allow my body to dictate its needs.

I am so thankful for a supportive husband and son that allow me to completely disconnect when my body demands it.

Per conversation with my doctor’s office, I am to continue taking it easy…moving about the house as I can…no bending, twisting, lifting, stretching. All is still looking good under the binder…swelling in lowest part of abdomen present…not nearly like before in other procedures.

At my follow up appointment, we will remove the tape and bandages…and at some point thereafter will be allowed to take a shower! I am thankful that our home is so well prepared for handicap…the bathroom counter is taller than normal….so it is easier to wet hair down.

It is important to make sure you have someone around! No matter how careful you are you will end up dropping something!  LOL  And…believe me…there is NO way to pick it up without asking for help.

At this point, I am better able to tell the difference from the surgical discomfort vs. the symptoms of my conditions.  The surgical discomfort is SO minimal!  Yet, it is just enough to be a constant reminder to be extra vigilant.

It’s Okay!

I awake in the early hours

To the throbbing and stabbing

Coursing through my body

I take leave to crawl into a hot bath

…It’s Okay!

As we watch a favorite program

Sleep overtakes me

Unable to keep eyes open

I have no strength to fight

…It’s Okay!

Plans are made

To spend time with friends

Nap taken and extra rest

Do not prevent a flare

…It’s Okay!

Apologies sent

No need for self doubt

There will be other chances

Our family and friends understand

…It’s Okay!

Hidden conditions are in control

Our bodies dictate actions

We are forced to be patient

To live within the invisible boundaries

…It’s Okay!

There are times we cry

We battle with frustration

We struggle with isolation

We wrestle with guilt

…It’s Okay!

We cry out to God

For His peace and comfort

We hold tightly onto our Faith

Knowing our path is fraught with boulders

…It’s Okay!

We deal with thick brain fog

With vision that can blur

Often unable to remember

Or use incorrect words

…It’s Okay!

 

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