Embracing life with chronic pain and illnesses.

Posts tagged ‘thoughts’

“Squirrel” Brain

This title makes me smile

As I attempt to relay my reality.

Complex sentences, vibrant words

I can see and feel…yet not express.

Words jumbled and sentences started

To be left hanging as I slowly shake my head.

Fibromyalgia and many of its “companions”

Overload my brain causing words to collide.

I pray for grace and strength

As I struggle to remain calm.

Images of “how it used to be”

Flashing in my mind’s eye like lightning.

Simple conversation and odd pauses

Exasperated by stress…good or bad.

Typing helps bridge this divide

As words appear on screen…

At the onset I had given myself permission

To write as if there were no grammatical rules.

My mind goes to our son when a Tiger Scout

An active mind so easily distracted…

Another mother summed it up — “Squirrel”

Attention span gone, the hunt is on.

Flighty and crafty, darting about

On the search for one of its stashes.

I smile when our teenager gently corrects

Better yet when he supplies the word I am unable to find.

Chronic illnesses/conditions force reform

Reminded of how we are but clay in the Potter’s hand.

Let go the frustration

Dive deeper into prayer…

Handing over the reigns

Trusting with our heart.

Deep breath taken

And laugh at the squirrel.

Heartache, Struggle, Persevere

How dare you begin with such a roar!

This month of May is a Lion…

Roaring, growling and then standing proud.

No matter how hard I try to prepare

The end of April starts the roller coaster.

Seasonal allergies will kick in…

Like a last ditch effort to switch gears.

The pinched nerve in my back reared it’s head

Hoping to derail the oncoming storm.

This year was different!

The anniversary of your death, Dear Sis,

Felt like a fuzzy blanket

Wrapped tight about.

The ache of your absence still strong

Yet ever stronger the feeling of your presence.

Within a handful of days

Wishing Mom and Dad “Happy Anniversary”!

Then the greatest news from U of O Law School,

The first Carrie Murray Memorial Scholarship has been awarded!

Wave after wave of emotions…

Crying…laughing…singing!

Your birthday is just around the corner…

I see those brilliant blue eyes

Filled with a true zest and love of life.

Memories will continue to flood our minds

Strengthening our resolve

To celebrate your life and memory.

You are watching from above

Your touch felt by ray of sun or touch of breeze.

Love you, forever and always, CareBear.

Loss

As my body calms from the latest Fibro Flare with additional infections that I am prone to have, I am riding an emotional roller coaster.

I know that I am not alone…

We arise each day to slight differences in our symptoms. Our hidden illnesses and conditions exacerbate our pollen/tree/etc. allergies, or rather overly sensitivity to said allergies.  The beauty of Spring comes full during May…flowers, trees with blossoms, bees buzzing, birds chirping…

I am hit with emotions…

April is coming to a close…May is on the horizon.

I used to find myself reminded of the short rhyme — “April showers bring May flowers”…this is especially true of the Pacific Northwest.  I look out the window to see the snow loosing its grip on the mountain and see the many buds on the trees outside.  Yes, May is approaching quickly…too quickly…

This roller coaster of emotions is not new…it has changed over time…it will continue to impact in different ways.

I am not alone in feeling this sense of loss…raw emotion…tears welling…memories are stirred…

I do not want to be reminded…

I could feel your presence yesterday afternoon…I was given the greatest relief of my stresses/worries. I was powerfully overwhelmed by the greatest peace. I had to smile! I could hear my sister’s voice… “You are such a Dork!  Remember that you handed the keys to God. Now step back and listen.”

You always knew what to say…accented of course by the eye roll…or the slight throw back of the head…

We will relive those emotions associated with our loss and Heaven’s gain…

We will each celebrate the memory of your life…my dearest sister, Carrie Murray…while we embrace those close to us.

Love you, forever and always, Sis!

Let’s Own It

Here’s to all of you with chronic illnesses and conditions! During this latest flare (Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Piriformis Syndrome, IBS-C) plus additional infections (bacterial vaginosis and yeast infection), I looked at myself in the mirror and simply said:

“I am going to make sick look good!”

My chronic conditions have taken enough! I will embrace my “new” fragile self and continue to thank God every day for his strength and courage to allow Him to be seen through my weaknesses.

Storms, Fibro & Chronic Pain

Those of us living with Fibromyalgia and its chronic pain (or chronic pain from other conditions) often find ourselves ravaged by a storm…literally! Scientists can argue that there is no relation…that it is not possible. Yet we know there is a link.

Our bodies shut down with no warning. Struck in the gut with a baseball bat. Then the pounding truly begins…every joint stabbing…headache is piercing. Every ounce of energy invoked to attempt movement…feet act as though they are trapped in the thickest mud…legs groan at the beleaguered motion.

Tears well in my eyes. I can barely manage a weak good night as I muster all effort into shuffling back to my bed. Past experience has taught me to not fight this demon. It is best to lie down…propped with pillows to provide as much relief as possible.

This will pass. I am hopeful for the morning as the worst of this storm will be over. My body will be exhausted and require additional rest.

This is a vicious cycle that so many of us live with…as we continue to battle our conditions and symptoms.

Rain Brings…

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Rain brings an increase in temperatures

As it washes snow off the lava…

Rain brings the wind blowing the tree limbs

While cascading the water down the glass…

Rain brings the storm from the Northwest

As it batters the roof and races down gutters…

Rain brings increased ringing in my ears

Drowning out external sounds with its deafening pitch…

Rain brings the joint pain out of remission

Removing the relief of the higher elevation…

Rain brings elevated pain levels

As my body screams out for it to end…

 

Struggle

The frustration is real even though progress is occurring. Sounds like a conundrum doesn’t it?

Injections for Sciatica have provided some limited relief…unveiling that I am also dealing with Sacroiliac involving my right leg. And, these new diagnoses have aggravated my Shingles…which also targets my right leg.

Needless to say my usual “companions” are quick to throw in their two cents…like I need to be reminded of my Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Spastic Colon, Pelvic Floor Syndrome, IBS and other conditions.

I have more to learn about the issues in my stomach that are leading to bloating and cramping (which are very scary with a colostomy); and, its interaction with my other conditions. Another diagnosis that will provide more information on how my body is “malfunctioning”.

It is frustrating to be home bound…yet, we are making progress in uncovering other conditions that have been masked by the overwhelming symptoms of Fibromyalgia and Polyarthralgia. (Thanks to my pain pump!)

It is discouraging to know that any time I leave the house it will result in a Flare. To be honest, just getting out of bed wrong can do the same!

The struggle continues…

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